Seinfeld

I was thinking about hair...

...and that the weird thing about it...

...is that people will touch other people's hair.

You will actually kiss another human being right on the head...

...but if one of those hairs...

...should somehow be able to get out of that skull and go off on its own...

...it is now the vilest, most disgusting thing that you can encounter.

The same hair.

People freak out, "There was a hair in the egg salad."

Say it's Saturday night in Spain. They go out dancing.

Think they do the flamenco?

I would think.

So you could call a woman for a date...

...ask her if she's free for dinner and a flamenco.

You don't flamenco on the first date.

I wish the flamenco was popular here.

- Yeah? Would you do it? - Yes, I think I would.

Well, I knew you had an affinity for it...

...because it's the dance of a very proud people.

Hello. Oh, hi, Nana. What?

Oh, all right. Okay, don't worry about it.

Okay, I'll see you later. All right, bye.

- I have to go over my grandmother's. - What for?

I have to open a bottle of ketchup for her.

- So, what, no lunch? - No, we have time.

- How's she doing? - She's starting to slip a little.

She has trouble distinguishing between the past and the present.

There's gotta be an easier way to open ketchup.

They should make it in a tube.

- Like toothpaste? - Yeah.

- There's a squeeze ketchup. - I've seen squeeze mustard.

- I've never seen squeeze ketchup. - If they make squeeze mustard...

...doesn't it stand to reason they make squeeze ketchup?

Not necessarily. Mustard lends itself to the squeeze.

- I don't see the difference. - There's a difference.

- It's subtle. - It's subtle?

Hey, isn't Elaine supposed to meet us?

Yeah, there she is.

What?

She's with her friend Wendy.

Wendy? Is that the physical therapist?

Yeah. I'm on a kiss-hello program with her.

- Really? - Yeah. Every time I see her...

...I gotta kiss hello. I did it once on her birthday.

Somehow it mushroomed. Now I dread seeing her because of it.

- Hey. - I'm down to one kiss hello.

- My aunt Celia. - That's fortunate. I really admire that.

Really? I never heard you say you admired me for anything.

No, I told you I admire your hearing.

Oh, don't slough that off. You have great hearing.

- Hey. - Hi.

- Did you ever meet George? - Wendy.

- You're a physical therapist, right? - Yes.

You know, I got this little swelling right here.

It's kind of painful. What do you make of that?

- George- - Have you tried heat and ice on it?

Oh, that- That really seems like a lot of trouble.

You could come by my office later. I could work on it for you.

Oh, okay.

Let me give you my card.

- Oh, thank you. - Well, I'll see you guys later.

- Nice meeting you. Bye. - Bye, Wendy. I'm sorry.

- Bye, Jerry. - Bye.

- What did you do that for? - What?

Ask about your arm.

I still don't see why I can't ask her about my arm.

She's a physical therapist.

She doesn't wanna have to deal with that outside the office.

- Why not? - Because it is what she does.

I love these people. You can't ask them questions.

They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the delicate genius...

...unless it's in the confines of an office.

When huge sums of money are involved, the genius can be disturbed.

George, you got a little something right here.

- People think they're so important. - I'm going on record right now.

That was my last kiss hello. I am getting off the kiss program with her.

- Why? - Well, you know, frankly...

...outside of a sexual relationship, I don't see the point to it.

I'm not thrilled with the handshaking either, but one step at a time.

- What are you getting? - And what's with that hairdo?

Oh, yeah. I know. It's not very flattering.

I mean, she looks like something out of an old high school yearbook.

You should say something to her.

Oh, I could never say anything to her about that.

Yeah, Kramer's the only person who could say something like that.

- Yeah. - Well, just tell Kramer to tell her.

No. If you tell him to do it, he'll never do it.

What you have to do is introduce him, and then he'll just come out with it.

Yes. Yes, you're right. That's right.

I'll bring her over to meet Kramer.

- Hi. - Hey. Hello, boys and girls.

Yeah. Hey, listen. I need a picture of you, buddy.

- What for? - I'm putting everybody's picture up...

- ... in the lobby of our building. - Why?

Everyone will know everybody's name. People are gonna be a lot friendlier.

I don't want my picture plastered up in the lobby.

Imagine walking by someone on the floor and you say, "Hey, Carl"...

...and he says, "Hey, Jerry."That's the kind of society I wanna live in.

Kramer, I don't wanna stop and talk every time I go in the building.

I just wanna nod and be on my way.

You know, your eyeliner's smudged a little.

Why do you wear so much eye make-up?

Yeah. This is gonna work out just fine.

Ma, again with the ketchup?

Don't they have them in the plastic squeeze containers?

Jerry. Hello.

Hello, Uncle Leo.

- What are you doing here? - Nana called me to open the bottle.

Yeah, me too.

- Hello, Jerry. - Hi, Nana.

- Aren't you gonna kiss her hello? - Yes, yes, of course.

Well, here's the bottle.

- I'll do it. - I got it.

- Give it to me. - Stop it.

- Jerry, would you give me the bottle? - Uncle Leo.

All right. Take it.

You should let Buddy open it.

Buddy? He lived next door to us 45 years ago.

- Leo, did you give Helen the $50? - What $50?

Your father won $1000 at the track last week...

...and he gave you 100...

...and you were supposed to give $50 to your sister.

Ma, Dad died in 1962.

Believe me, I don't owe your mother $50.

I'm not getting any hot water.

I know there's nothing worse than when your shower's not working.

- I'm gonna take care of it. - Thanks, Julio.

All right.

- Oh, hey. - Hey, hey. Hello.

- What's going on here? - Nothing, nothing.

- Well, then what are you doing? - I need a pen.

- What for? - Well, I'm making out my will.

Oh, I got a big slice of dough for you, buddy...

...and you too. I haven't forgotten you.

You're looking for a picture of me?

You got that straight.

I told you, forget it.

Oh, come on, Jerry. If everybody knew everybody...

...we wouldn't have the problems we have in the world.

You don't rob somebody if you know their name.

You're robbing me.

I'm gonna get your picture, and you're gonna participate in my program.

- Are you going home? - Yeah.

Can you come back in about five minutes?

Why?

No reason. Just wanna see you again.

- You sure Wendy's coming? - Yeah, she'll be here any second.

This will be an interesting experiment to see if Kramer says something.

- You wanna go through with this? - Listen, Jerry, she never dates...

...and I know it's because of her hair.

Hello. Oh, hi, Mom.

Yeah, I was at Nana's yesterday. I had to help her open a ketchup bottle.

Hey, Mom, let me ask you a question.

Do you remember when you were a kid...

...your father winning, like, $1000 at the track?

Really?

Did you know he gave Uncle Leo $100...

...and he was supposed to give you 50?

How do I know? Because Nana doesn't know what year it is...

...and she thinks this just happened.

Well, I think you should.

Okay. Bye.

Do you know what the interest on that $50 comes to over 53 years?

Oh, Morty, please.

$663.45...

...and that's figuring conservatively at 5 percent interest...

...over 53 years compounded quarterly.

- Or if you put it into a 10-year T-bill- - Morty, will you stop it?

Well, he's not getting away with this.

- Yeah? - It's Wendy.

Come on up.

- This is it. Should I go get Kramer? - No, no. He'll come in.

This is gonna be my first opportunity to not kiss her hello.

What is the big deal about putting your lips on somebody's face?

It's the obligation. You know, as soon as this person comes in...

...you know you have to do this.

I mean, if you could, say, touch a breast as part of the kiss hello...

...then I think I could see the value in it a little better.

How about an intercourse hello? How would that be?

Elaine, now you're being ridiculous.

- That's her. That's her. - Wait, wait.

- What? - Okay, go, go, go.

- Hi, Wendy. - Hi, Elaine.

- Hi, Wendy. - Oh, hi, Jerry.

- Would you like something to drink? - Sure.

There you go.

Oh, look at that. I'm almost out of Klondike bars.

So how's everything going?

Oh, okay. Your friend George came by the office the other day.

And then yesterday, he cancelled on me.

Yeah, he had to take his mother to the chiropodist.

Oh, did you hear that? That must be Kramer.

Hey, Jerry.

- Come on. That's not fair. - I told you I was gonna get it.

- No, come on. Give me the picture. - No, no, no.

All right, fine. Put my picture up. What do I care?

Kramer, Kramer, I'd like you to meet my friend Wendy.

- Oh, hello. - Hi.

You know, I really like that hairdo.

Thank you. I actually was thinking it might be time for a change.