Seinfeld

I love these nature shows.

It's amazing how you can always relate.

You're watching the African dung beetle and going:

"Boy, his life is a lot like mine."

You always root for whichever animal is the star of the show.

Like, if it's the antelope, and a lion's chasing it...

...you go, "Run, antelope, run. Use your speed. Get away."

Then next week it's the lion...

...and then you go, "Get the antelope. Eat him. Bite his ass!

Trap him. Don't let him use his speed."

Well, did he bring it up in the meeting?

Elaine, see this T-shirt?

Six years, I've had this T-shirt. It's my best one.

I call him Golden Boy.

Yeah. I'm on the phone here.

Golden Boy's always the first shirt I wear out of the laundry. Here.

Touch Golden Boy.

No, thanks. Yeah. Yeah, I'll hold.

But, see, look at the collar. It's fraying.

Golden Boy is slowly dying.

Each wash brings him one step closer.

That's what makes it such a tragic figure.

Why don't you just let Golden Boy...

- ... soak in the sink with some Woolite. - No.

The reason he's the iron man...

...is because he goes out and plays every game.

Wash, spin, rinse, spin.

If you take that away from him, you break his spirit.

Yeah.

What? He is?

Oh, that's fantastic. I'm so excited.

Yes, I'm excited. Okay. Okay, I'll be in soon.

Yeah, yeah, I'm coming. I'm coming. Okay, bye.

- Yuri Testikov, the Russian writer. - The guy who was in the gulag?

Yeah. Pendant's publishing his new book and I'm gonna work on it.

Lippman and I are gonna go to the airport and pick him up in a limousine.

You wanna borrow Golden Boy?

Do you know what this means? It's like working with Tolstoy.

I read an unbelievable thing about Tolstoy the other day.

Did you know the original title for War and Peace...

...was War-What is it Good For?

No, I'm not kidding, Elaine. It's true.

His mistress didn't like the title...

...and insisted he change it to War and Peace.

- But it's a line from that song. - That's where they got it from.

- Really? - I'm not joking.

You can't handle the truth.

What?

I'm working on my Jack Nicholson.

You can't handle the truth.

- What is this, your mail? - Yeah.

I grabbed it on the way out. I don't want my mother reading it.

Your alumni magazine.

- Your mother reads your mail? - Yeah.

- What do you mean, like postcards? - No. Anything.

- She doesn't open. - She'll open.

You've caught your mother opening envelopes?

- Yes. - What does she say?

"I was curious."

- Isn't that against the law? - Maybe I can get her locked up.

Hey, Jerry, you're in the alumni magazine. Listen to this:

"Jerry Seinfeld has appeared...

...on David Letterman and The Tonight Show...

...and he did a pilot for NBC called Jerry...

...that was not picked up."

Georgie, how come there's not anything about you in here?

He can't handle the truth.

All right, this is too much fun. I gotta get back to work.

You all right?

Yeah.

- Sorry. - It's okay.

Yeah. Oh, hey, wait, wait.

Maybe you could use this.

Yeah.

It's an electronic organizer.

- What? - Yeah.

- What-? - Yeah, here.

Yeah. You know...

...for phone numbers, addresses, keep appointments, everything.

Yeah, it's got an alarm that beeps.

Oh, I can't believe this, Kramer.

I've been wanting to get one of these things. Are you sure that-?

- Sure you can't use this thing? - No.

I got all my appointments right up here.

- Where'd you get this? - The bank. I opened a new account.

Hey, did you see that whale thing on TV last night?

No.

I am such a huge whale fan.

These marine biologists showed...

...how they communicate with the squeaks and the squeals.

- What a fish. - It's a mammal.

Whatever. Hey, new tape recorder?

Yeah, I got it from the bank.

- Hey. - Hey.

Who wants to have some fun?

- I do. - I do.

Now, are you just saying that, or do you really wanna have fun?

I really wanna have fun.

I'm just saying I wanna have some fun.

Right now, there are 600 Titleists...

...that I got from the driving range in the trunk of my car.

Why don't we drive out to Rockaway...

...and hit them...

...into the ocean!

Now picture this. We find a nice, sweet spot between the dunes...

...we take out our drivers, we tee up, and:

That ball goes sailing up into the sky...

...holds there for a moment, and then:

- You wanna get some lunch? - Yeah.

Let me stop by the cash machine, and I'll meet you.

Yeah, I'm gonna get a paper.

- Keep your head down. - Yeah.

Cash advance? Yes.

No. Balance inquiry?

No.

Receipt? No.

Processing, processing.

I won.

Jerry?

- Yeah. - It's Diane.

- Diane DeConn from Queens College. - Oh, Diane.

- How are you? - Good.

- Good. - How long has it been?

Since college.

I've seen you on TV. You're doing great.

- Yeah, plugging along. - I got the alumni magazine.

What ever happened to George?

I notice I never see his name in there.

Well, he's kind of modest.

He was always such a goof-off. I mean, did he ever get anywhere?

- Sure. - Yeah? What field?

Marine biology.

George is a marine biologist?

Yeah. Pretty damn good one too.

I can't believe it.

- I would never have thought. - Yeah. He's specializing in whales.

He's working on lowering the cholesterol level in whales.

All that blubber. It's quite unhealthy.

It's the largest mammal on Earth, but as George says...

...they don't have to be.

Diane DeConn?

You saw Diane DeConn?

- Something, huh? - How did she look?

She looked great.

She asked about you.

She asked about me? What did she say?

"How's George?"

George? She said George?

She remembered my name.

Diane DeConn remembered my name.

She was the "it"girl.

She asked for your number. I think she's gonna get in touch with you.

Okay, I'm telling you right now...

...if you're kidding, I'm not gonna be able to be your friend anymore.

I'm serious about that. You got that?

- I got no problem with that. - Good.

Because if this is a lie, if this is a joke...

...if this is your idea of some cute little game, we're finished.

Expect a call.

Oh, my God, he's not kidding.

Now...

...I should tell you...

...that at this point...

...she's under the impression that you're a...

- A what? - A marine biologist.

- A marine biologist? - Yes.

Why am I a marine biologist?

I may have mentioned it.

But I'm not a marine biologist.

Yes, I know that.

So?

Why, you don't think it's a good job?

I didn't even know it was a job.

Oh, it's a fascinating field.

Well, what if she calls me?

What am I supposed to say?

Algae.

Obviously plankton.

I don't know what else I could tell you.

I just got back from a trip to the Galàpagos Islands.

I was living with turtles.

We have got you in a very nice hotel.

I don't know how you like to work...

...but I can arrange for an office if you like.

- I work in hotel. Is better. - In the hotel.

Away from all your little petty bickerings...

...and interference.

You know, Tolstoy used to write in the village square.

The faces inspired him.

He did not need inspiration.

God spoke through his pen.

- That is so true. - Yes.

Although, one wonders if War and Peace would have been...

...as highly acclaimed, had it been published under its original title...

...War-What is it Good For?

- What? - Yeah.

Mr. Lippman, it was his mistress who insisted...

- ... that he call it War and Peace. - Elaine, Elaine.

War-What is it Good For?

Absolutely nothing Say it again