Night of Something Strange

Cornelius, come get your dinner.

Cornelius.

Cornelius, are you deaf?

What in the hell do you think you're doing? Cornelius!

Cornelius! What are you doing?

What the hell? Cornelius!

No! No! No!

No! No!

Was that a bear?

- I think it was a man. - A man-bear?

No, just a man.

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

Goddammit, Woody.

I thought you said you was straight to drive, man.

- What was that? - I think it's under the truck.

This is like that movie, where they ran over that dude and they thought they killed 'im...

...but they didn't and then he came back next summer and then he killed them.

Shit, that's gonna happen to us.

- We're gonna die! - Goddammit, Woody, we ain't gonna die.

Now back this fucking truck up, so we can get can get the fuck out of here.

What the fuck?

- Fuck this. - Yes, sir.

With a long-anticipated senior year around the corner...

...I think it's time to join the secret society of sleep addicts.

Who am I kidding?

I dream loudly, but I have to buckle down if I want to get into a good college.

I don't wanna jinx myself. Forget school for now.

After today, it's officially beach week and I can't wait.

I'm going with my BFF since grade school, Carrie...

- ...and her stupe-ass boyfriend, Freddy. - Spring break, bitches.

I swear, one day, I hope he knocks himself out doing that pose.

- Have a seat, Fredrick. - Yes, ma'am.

Hey, buddy.

Then there's Jason. He's my half-cousin.

Which doesn't stop him from trying to put the moves on me. Barf.

Brooklyn, my other BFF, Samara's douche-boyfriend.

He moved here in the sixth grade but still claims New York.

Ew, I wish he would move back.

Which brings me to Samara, she's in geometry...

...probably chewing gum and playing with her hair.

So, pen's off to you, dear journal, let's make this one black, white, red...

...and awesome. All over.

Okay, class, settle down.

I want you to spend the remainder of the class reading Chapter 13...

...on moving proteins into membranes.

I've got some protein that needs moving.

You can move yourself to the Principal's office, if you like.

That's what I thought. Now begin reading, class.

# I woke up one morning and I kicked my dog

# I beat my neighbor's head in with a big maple log

# Then I called his big fat hairy wife a big fat hairy slob

# I had the blues

# The mean motherfucker blues ##

- Yes, Pamela? - May I be excused to the restroom?

- Hey, soldier. - Hey, you.

- You miss me? - Oh, a little.

- You ass. - Okay, okay.

- I missed you. - Get me the fuck out of here.

Fuck school!

Quiet down.

What happened?

I should've dumped his ass a long time ago.

What did he do this time?

Don't cock-block me at the beach?

You have gotta go, it's not gonna be the same without you.

No chance.

- Hey, Christine. - Hey.

- Did you talk to Samara? - Yeah, she's not coming.

How many times is she gonna put up with his shit?

A million.

I hope that kid falls.

Yo.

Smell this.

- Dank - Stank killah killah.

- Can I smell? - These aren't cut up Twinkies, Jason.

Fucking lard ass.

Oh, my God, what the fuck is he doing here?

What's he doing here?

- Samara's not coming. - I told him he could still come.

- Why do you do that? - Because he has the weed.

Get off my nuts.

Hello?

Bathroom?

It's around back.

Woody, Woody.

Woody, Woody.

- What now? - Hey, man.

Go pay for petrol, man.

This isn't enough to get to Mexico on.

Hey, asshole, what the fuck you looking at?

- Let's get the fuck out of here. - What the fuck'd you do, Woody?

Road beers. Oh, shit.

Continue on this route for 87 miles.

Yo, can that GPS tell us where we could get some dank nugs?

I wish.

So, what's the first thing you guys are gonna do when you get to the beach?

I'm gonna get fucking drunk.

I can't wait to just lay out.

Me too, and take a dip in the ocean.

- I can't wait to part that motherfucker. - Yeah, swim, for sure.

You gonna swim with your shirt on again, Jason?

- What, I get sunburned easy. - Yeah, it's not 'cause of your mits?

- Mits? - Yeah, man tits.

Shut up, Freddy.

I told you I was born with an extra thyroid.

- And two stomachs like a cow. - Cows have four stomachs, dumbass.

Don't be jealous 'cause Jason has bigger tits than you.

- Fuck you, Freddy. - Don't be a dick.

What?

Cool, weed.

What, I can get down.

Hey, so, why did Samara bail again?

Oh, she had crabs, she didn't wanna give it to everybody.

Smart ass.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, I need to take you small-town peeps to BK...

...show you how we get down for real, for real.

Yeah, I could go for a Whopper.

No, man, I'm talking about Brooklyn, fool.

I thought you said you were from Syracuse.

Well, yeah, I mean, I am but I hung out in Brooklyn a lot.

- That's where my cousins stay at. - Aren't they like, really far apart?

Like hundreds of miles?

Yeah, I live like right on the line. What are you, The Riddler or something?

Stop asking me so many questions. I'm trying to roll this blunt.

You know, this shit right here is the truth.

What the fuck?

Oh, shit, what. Yo, this dude got a hard-on, yo.

- No, I don't. - Fucking perv.

Gross!

What, I don't even know what you guys are talking about.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Hey, Jason, bring me back a sweet tea.

Hi, where is your bathroom?

Who wants to know?

Uh, me? I really need to use your bathroom, miss.

- It's around back, darling. - Thank you.

Honey, ain't you forgetting something?

- You need a key. - Oh.

Thanks.

Don't you be going and flushing your bloody tampons down that toilet...

...and leaving 'em all which-away, you throw 'em in the goddamn trash, you hear?

Um, okay.

All you high school girls bleed like Dracula fucked Willy Wonka...

...and formed a blood factory and slaughtered all those Oompa Loompas...

...and made a bunch of bloody Marys.

Vagina Coyote Uglies.

A lot of Draculas' wives went out on a night on the town...

...and went to a bachelor party and all had their periods at the same time.

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, my God.

What the fuck?

- Alright, you guys ready? - Just zooming out.

- This is so fucked up, Freddy. - Shut up or I'm gonna get you next.

Ready.

There it is.

You better not get me this time.

You're safe, for now.

Fuck.

What the fuck is she doing?

Dropping the kids off at the pool and giving them swimming lessons?

You're so gross.

That fucking bitch!

I knew I couldn't fucking trust her. Goddammit, I knew it!

Just relax, Dirk, you don't wanna Hulk out.

It's been six weeks since you've been laid, just...

...just be cool.

- Hey. - Hey.

What's wrong, you look like somebody killed your cat.

Cat? I don't have a fucking cat.

Are you mistaking me for someone else?

It's an expression, what's your problem?

Express this, bitch.

Hello, Dirk?

Cat? I'm a fucking dog person, don't you know me at all?

Whoa, whoa, what the fuck?

- Pull over! - Oh, my God, Carrie!

Freddy, pull over.

- Oh, what did you eat? - Shut up, Freddy.

Oh, Shit!

Maybe she just needs to eat some grass or something.

Really, Freddy?

Well, that's what my dog does when his stomach gets upset.

- You don't look bad. - I feel better.

- Are you sure? - Yeah, I think it was just something I ate.

- School cafeteria, I don't know. - Yeah, looks like Friday's corn dogs.

Let's get out of here.

Why don't you shut up, Jason?

Holy shit-hole.

Alright, Jason, let's go.

- For what? - Because I said.

I have something important to tell you.

No, you don't, you're just gonna tell me something dumb when we get in there.

- Guys, just go. - Yeah, go, Freddy.

Get the fuck out of the car.

Okay, God.

Hey, how are you feeling?

Better, just having some major cramps.

- Are you starting? - No, I already had it.

Yeah, baby, choke me.