The Ranch

Mornin'.

Morning. You birdwatchin' or scopin' out dinner?

I love birds.

Except for cardinals, ravens, falcons, and seahawks.

What about the eagles? Don't you hate them?

It's unpatriotic to hate an eagle.

And yet, you hate the Patriots.

I don't hate the Patriots. I hate Tom Brady.

It's unnatural for a man to be that pretty.

Okay, I gotta get to the Cracker Barrel. I'm training a new waitress.

Her name is Sunshine.

Sunshine?

You should train her parents how to name their kid.

Yeah, and she was born in 2001.

How the fuck is that a thing?

Drives me crazy.

She's always on her phone,

not payin' attention, playin' with her hair.

They should've named her "Colt."

I see you've come around with the Keurig.

Yeah. Can't imagine that I haven't always started my mornin'

with Gloria Jean's Butter Toffee.

Howdy, neighbors.

Name's Colt Bennett, I own the stretch down the road.

I just wanted to stop by and let you know my door's always open.

Mainly 'cause my house burned down, and I don't have a door.

Y'know, erm...

Beau didn't even speak to his last neighbor for over 30 years.

Yeah? First off, his last neighbor wasn't as good looking.

And he never brought him hot coffee and a dozen of his favorite donuts.

There's 11 plain and one powdered,

'cause I know you like to have somethin' to complain about.

Hang on. Where's that coffee from?

The gas station.

Only place you can stir in your sugar with a Slim Jim.

Perfect.

Ahh! Now that should be a Keurig flavor.

You could call it "Circle K Burnt to Shit."

- Thanks, neighbor. - Yep.

I'll see you in 30 years.

Hey, you guys see Rooster?

He wasn't at the hunting cabin and his bike's gone.

And Jill at the Circle K said he didn't stop in

for his morning Red Bull and nachos.

So... he was late for his first day at work.

Well, shit.

What?

I had Rooster fuckin' up first. She had you.

Nothing personal.

You fuck up a lot.

Yeah, I get it.

When I was playin' football, I made a lot of money bettin' against me.

Man, I can't believe Rooster pulled this shit on a first day of work.

But y'know what? It's fine.

He can skip out today.

Come first time we've gotta birth a calf,

you'll find my ass drunk and streaking through the infield at Talladega.

Please tell me more about things that are no longer my problem.

Such as, have they discontinued some of your facial scrubs?

No.

Just the opposite.

Now they're selling that loganberry exfoliant in the 18-ounce bottle.

Hang on.

Take that fuckin' powdered donut.

And the other three that touched it.

Doctor said our little girl's in the 95th percentile for head size,

so I'm happy she's got her mama's smarts

but I'm not happy that giant head has to come out of me.

They show you her throwin' arm?

Hm. Doctor said it looks strong.

So she's got her mama's arm, too.

You wanna talk to her?

Yeah, sure.

Hey, sweetheart.

Sorry I can't be there.

I promise you, I'm gonna be at every recital and Christmas pageant.

If you decide to play a sport where you run around with a ribbon on a stick,

I'll be there with a sweatshirt on that says "Proud Dad of Ribbon Girl."

Unless it's the same day as the Super Bowl.

Why would they do that, though?

Hey, Colt!

Hey. Just...

Hey, little floatin' Abby head!

How you feelin'?

Looks like you're about to calf.

Hey, Dale.

A pregnant woman always loves being compared to a farm animal.

Oh. Well... you never looked more beautiful.

Thank you. I'm gonna go. Love you, Colt.

Okay. I'll talk to you soon, babe.Bye.

I thought that "calf" thing was kinda cute.

You coulda backed me up while she's still on the line, asshole.

Oh, no.

I made that mistake before.

A couple weeks ago, she come home with a new pair of pink pajamas.

I said, "Who's my little piggy?"

Slept in the tub that night.

How'd the herd look?

Oh, they're putting on weight real well,

kinda like my niece in her freshman year at Colorado State.

Apparently, she was majoring in pasta.

Well, that's one piece of good news, I suppose.

Not for her diabetes.

But I do have one piece of bad news.

I couldn't find Heifer 306.

Yeah?

Sometimes them tags get turned upside down. Did you find 9-O-E?

No, I looked all over the pasture. I couldn't see hide nor hoof of...

Did I just come up with that phrase?

I'll tell you something,

that is gonna go on a T-shirt on my Etsy store.

That's just great.

On my first day on the new ranch

I'm already down a brother, a tractor and now, a cow.

I stress-ate six donuts.

I'm starting to get a muffin top on top of my Wranglers.

I remember my first day as a vet.

I'm sorry, Dale, I ain't got time for one of your stories right now.

I've gotta go find that cow. Maybe I should jog there.

Yeah, I totally understand.

It was 1970.

I'd just diagnosed mad cow disease

for Mike Beale's herd.

Shut the whole operation down.

Turned out I'd dripped a little ketchup out of my Whopper

into the blood sample.

You know what cow would have been mad about that Whopper? Your niece.

Hey, Joanne.

You're home early.

Yeah, 'cause I just got fired.

What?

I get to work, my manager tells me they have to let me go.

Guess who replaced me?

Fuckin' Sunshine.

That's right.

I got replaced by somebody who couldn't work last weekend

because she was grounded.

Jesus, Joanne, this is awful. What'd they say?

Nothin'. Just they had to give me two weeks' notice.

I said, "You can take those two weeks and shove them up your fuckin' ass."

Then I apologized to the nice Mormon family on table eight.

Then I got escorted off the property.

Well, don't worry about the Mormons.

Can't trust anyone who wants to deal with more than one wife.

I can't believe this.

You've been working at the Cracker Barrel forever.

Yeah, they don't care about experience or loyalty.

Couple months back, I had a bad case of the flu,

I still went to work.

Three days later, half the staff called in sick. I was there.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

It's gonna be fine.

You're the hardest-working woman I know.

You know what they say...

"When God closes a Barrel, he opens a...

Waffle House."

Thanks, Beau.

Well, now that I have the day off I...

might as well go look for something else.

Gotta pay the bills.

Of course, with my house burned down, Visa's gotta find me first.

That's the attitude.

You'll find someplace better to work.

Preferably no ethnic food.

Although I suppose I could deal with the Olive Garden.

Rooster, I just hit the Powerball.

That's right, 75 million dollars.

Yeah, that's 75 million dollar tacos.

Or one gigantic 75-million-dollar taco.

Call me back or I'm gonna have to split it with someone else.

Hey, it's my best friend, Colt.

You look good today.

I didn't win the lotto, Hank,

I'm just trying to get my dipshit brother to call me back.

And I'm just trying to give my friend a compliment.

Hey, Colt. You want a Bud?

No, I ain't got time. I gotta get back to the ranch.

Just stopped by on my way back from the feed store to see if Rooster's here.

Oh, y'know, actually, can you fill this back up?

It's Bud Light.

Smart. You're driving.

Rooster hasn't been here all day.

He text you?

I dunno. Let's see.

Hmm. Darlene wants to kill her kids.

Heather also wants to kill Darlene's kids.

Checking account, less than $25.

That's it, nothin' from Rooster.

What the fuck?

He didn't show up on the first day. He won't text me back.

It's like, when did I become the responsible one?

Y'know, how many places could he be, seriously?

Here, the ranch, Dairy Queen, strip club,

the other Dairy Queen?

Did they open a third Dairy Queen?

No. Apparently, 500 signatures don't mean anythin' to them people.

- When's the last time you talked to him? - Last night. He came here.

He offered me a ticket to Wrestlemania.

You guys are goin'?

Cool. So are me and Abby.