Stan Against Evil

- Do you have a Barret here? - No, I told you up there.

No, I don't mean up there. I mean down here.

- There's one unmarked. - That's it.

Dad, did you do that?

No.

Get out of there.

I knew it!

You ugly son of a bitch!

Get down!

This is a trap set by my father 400 years ago.

The wraith cannot be destroyed.

Come on!

Wow.

That was easy!

I-I mean, I thought we were dead,

and then shovel to the head,

and then boom, boom, boom!

But this is a wraith.

The ancients declared them invincible.

Yeah, well, the ancients didn't have

the same shovel technology we have available to us today.

What now?

The eyes.

The prophesy says take out its eyes.

Well, you women are always bitchin'

about wanting to do a man's work.

Here's a perfect opportunity.

Step right up, sister.

No. I'm good.

Ah, it figures.

Oh!

What the hell is this dump?

It smells like an armpit's asshole.

This is what's left of the Eccles family farmhouse.

It dates back to the time when he was constable.

And?

If you take the eyes of the wraith through that door,

you will emerge on the day the wraith was buried in 1692.

There, you will find Evelyn Barret.

And... And... And once again,

how do you know all this stuff?

I know the legend.

Well, it... it... it turns out, to be frank,

all legends aren't necessarily true.

Did you ever hear the one

about Mick Jagger getting it on with David Bowie?

Yeah, right!

David Bowie was married to a big, beautiful black chick,

and Mick Jagger looks like a baby bird.

I'm not buyin' it.

Mr. Miller!

What happens if it don't work?

Well, I guess you end up standing over there.

Guess I'm just gonna have to risk it, eh?

Are you sure you're ready?

No, I'm not sure I'm ready.

I'm sure I'm out of my goddamn mind,

but every day, I keep rememberin'

more and more stuff about this woman that I've never met.

So I don't know what the hell else I'm supposed to do!

Here, take this.

It'll help you stand out a little less.

Later, tater.

Here we go, fellas.

Outstanding. _

Oh, all right.

Going just as crazy as a shit-house rat.

Evelyn Barret,

as constable of Willard's Mill Township,

I, Thaddeus Eccles,

accuse you of the crime of witchcraft.

Evelyn Barret, unholy viper!

I am not the viper! You are!

- I know him. - Watch your mouth, blondie!

Oh, please!

I know you.

Child of Satan, you shall be purified...

And nothing quite purifies like fire!

Behold the winged steed of God's own army!

Look not upon it... lest your eyes be struck out!

Aah!

Oh!

Hey. Hey!

Oh.

Stan?

Oh, I do know you.

It's... You're Evie.

How did you get here?

Don't move.

Duck!

Duck!

Well, that was close.

It's not dead.

I kill him with a shovel in 400 years.

Still have one bullet left.

Yeah. We may need that one for ourselves.

You know... in case they catch us

and we can't make it out of here.

Then we need two bullets.

Right, right.

T-Te-Technically, we could stand next to each other

and maybe mush our heads together so that we're really...

Let's just go.

Now I'm the bad guy?

Give me a break!

Here we go. Ladies first.

Oh, thanks.

She's mine!

My daughter or the constable.

You can't have both.

Go ahead and kill me.

That is the plan.

She'll do it.

She's crazy like that.

There's still one in the chamber with your name on it.

FYI, this is exactly why I was saving that bullet.

Sure, it was.

I had him!

You almost got your head ripped off.

But I had him!

A fraction of a second more!

Are you even kidding me?

That thing was this close to you.

Never mind the fact that I just traveled back 400 years for you.

Stan!

You know, you... you are unbelievable.

You're unbelievable. It's all coming back to me now.

This is... This is you, isn't it?

This is you in a nutshell.

And somehow I'm the asshole, me?

And you're... you're the high priestess,

Queen Evie Barret.

Stan...

Oh.

Yeah.

Okay, then.

Willard's Mill Sheriff's Department.

Oh, neighbor's blasting music.

H-Hang on.

You okay?

Yeah.

You're just sitting there, smiling.

I'm just happy to be here.

Uh, no, ma'am, I can hear it.

Yeah, that's "Sweet Talkin' Woman" by ELO.

The Electric Light Orchestra.

It's Jeff Lynne and Roy Wood's attempt

to combine pop songs with a classical structure.

No, no.

Emerson, Lake & Palmer were contemporaries.

No.

Hey, Evie...

Evie?

Where'd you go?

Uh, I'm right here.

What?

Evie?

Evie?!

Hey!

You out here?

Hey, ding dong, are you high?

I'm right here.

- Evie?! - Geez!

She must have gone out for ice cream.

- Hey. - Ice cream.

There you are.

Wait, you can see me?

- Yeah. - You can see me now?

Yeah.

But you couldn't a minute ago.

While you were in the bathroom?

- No. - No.

No, ma'am. I hear it.

That's "Turn to Stone."

He seems to be playing the entire "Out of the Blue" album.