Benny & Joon (Benny & Joon)

By The Proclaimers)

So we're planning our next vacation. I want Australia, she wants Italy.

I like snorkeling. She likes garlic.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, she says to me: "do I need her?"

Jesus, Benny. What kind of a question is that?

Need? What does it really mean to need somebody?

Benny, fuel line.

Waldo, could you answer that phone?

- Hello. - I need a check, Benny. COD.

In a minute. Meet me in the office.

All right.

Put that out! I got a fuel line broke.

Hey, Benny. Joon's on the phone again.

I'll call back. Find out what she wants.

It's an emergency.

She says you're runnin' low on Peanut Butter Super Chunks.

An emergency...

The issue is jelly. You only like two kinds.

You either like grape or boysenberry. Which is it? All right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, peanut butter. I know. Super Crunch.

I'll see you at six, OK? Bye.

Thanks for waitin', ma'am.

I'm afraid the best we can do for you is gonna be...

It's gonna be $750.

If you check around, you'll see that that is a really good deal.

Yeah?

That is a really very good deal, ma'am.

A little too good.

Let's do it.

Come here. Come here.

You're not doing yourjob! What is yourjob, anyway?

To clean this house, but not any more!

Get out of my sight!

You wouldn't dare, Joon!

What is going on here? Joon?

Mrs. Smail, please, let me explain.

Beware, the winds of reason shall blow stern.

- What? - I'm done, Mr. Pearl.

I'm done! The mule's turned to glue!

She wanders off unescorted. She has sudden outbursts.

She's simply unmanageable.

Mrs. Smail, wait. Please, let me talk to her.

I can talk to her. You can't quit on such short notice.

I'm sorry, sir. In Ireland, we have a sayin'.

"When a boat runs ashore, the sea has spoken. "

Come on! We can't play three-handed poker.

She's gonna be alone every day. I'm not leavin' her alone at night, too.

So bring her. She just paints and reads.

Yeah, and lights things on fire.

That happened once. I got a fire extinguisher. Just bring her.

Get your ass over here. Don't forget the Louis Prima record.

Remember, always play for keeps.

All right, all right, all right. Yeah, I'll be there. OK.

Joon, dinner!

Spaghetti and salad?

In that order?

What happened between you and Mrs. Smail?

She was given to fits of semiprecious metaphors.

She's a housekeeper, not an English professor.

She moves things.

She said you wandered off.

Did you leave the house alone?

Define "alone. "

You know full well what I'm talkin' about.

I can't be worried about you knocking another housekeeper into retirement.

First, it was Mrs. Larkspur.

A woman deeply and hygienically disturbed.

- Her hair smelled. - But then it was Mrs. Piltz.

Piltz? The answer's in the question.

Let's face it, Benjamin. Hiring housekeepers is not your forte.

Well, until I do find another housekeeper,

you are gonna stick close to the house.

Understand?

Now have some salad. By the way, I want you to come with me to my poker game.

- Benny... - Come on. You'll have a good time.

Web belt and buckle.

Classical Greek martini shaker.

Six turkey-feather darts.

I'll see you with a Deanna Durbin album.

Come on.

- And I'll raise you with a stethoscope. - Does it have little plastic earpieces?

- What do you care? You never win, Mike. - I don't want 'em stabbin' my eardrums.

Steering-wheel knob.

Salad Shooter.

'56 Plymouth tire iron.

- Fold-o. - You must have a good hand, huh?

No, I'm bluffin'.

Really?

Come on. You gotta play to find out.

OK. 150 feet of coaxial cable. Show 'em.

- Full house. Jacks over fours. - Oh, shit.

I thought he was bluffin'.

Will someone get some air to his brain?

He was bluffing about bluffing.

You're a real pal, Benny.

I got a solution to your housekeeper problem. You can have my roommate.

That's a terrific offer, Benjamin. Save you from the chore of Smail shopping.

Those places are such drudgery.

Montgomery and Smails, Smails and Roebuck, Smails-R-Us...

Joon.

- When did you get a roommate? - Since last week.

My cousin pounded into town and life's gone from heaven to hell in seven days.

- Just like the good Lord intended. - 26 years old, he can't even read.

Spends all day polishing my plastic forks.

When you say he can't read, what do you mean? Like words?

Yeah. And he keeps me up all night watchin' stupid old movies.

My work's starting to suffer.

You install cable TV.

Joon, will you please glue your sequins?

Have we an internal sequin issue to deal with, Benjamin?

All right, can we make this the last hand?

Come on, come on. Play cards.

Two tickets, tomorrow night's baseball game.

One Pocket Fisherman.

- Fold. - Do you ever stay in?

Snorkel mask.

She knows how to rattle the day help.

I think we need to find someone more understanding than Mrs. Smail.

Tell me, how are you two getting along?

Us?

Fine. Normal. You know, fine.

- Why? - I'll level with you.

I think it's time you gave some serious consideration to a group home.

- She already has a home. - Benny, she'd be with her peers.

She hates her peers. She's quit the two day centers to prove it.

Look, all we need right now is a new housekeeper.

Well, I know of no one else. You've been up and down the list.

You might want to consider that there are some people

more capable of handling these episodes than you.

I think that you two living together may not be the best thing any more.

I'm her brother, and I'm her only family.

And we've done just fine, the two of us, for 12 years.

Yes, but her stress level is always a factor in her display of symptoms.

Her agitation should be kept to a minimum.

Everybody gets agitated. Sometimes it's the only option.

Benny, don't get me wrong.

I'm impressed how you've managed this long.

But a group home would let her develop other relationships.

We don't know this, but what if she were capable of a job?

They'd encourage her in that direction.

These are very nice places... nurturing, supportive.

I'm not farming her out.

I have every right to be outside, Officer.

- I have every right. - Yes, ma'am.

May I see some ID, please?

Waldo, did you start that brake job yet?

Joon called. You've run out of tapioca.

- She what? - Oh, and the police will corroborate.

Holy shit.

Listen, Jack, you wanna go to the baseball game tonight?

- Hey, thanks, Benny. - Box seats.

Hello? Joon?

Time for your medicine, Joon.

Good night, Steve.

- Hello. How's it goin'? - I appreciate the deal on the engine.

- No problem. Is it runnin' all right? - Yeah, it's running great.

- Good. - So... can I...

Can I make it up to you with some dinner?

Some dinner? Uh...

- Are you serious? - Yeah. Dinner with you.

You know what? I can't.

- I mean, I'd like to... - It's OK.

OK.

Stupid. Stupid.

- 18-15. - 17-16.

- 18-15! - It caught the corner.

- It was a foot off the table. - It was not.

- Juniper... - Benjamin...

Don't underestimate the mentally ill. We know how to count.

- OK, fine. 17-16. - You can't give me what was mine.

- You're trying to cheat. - I'm not.

- You're cheating. - Joon, you're the one who's cheating.

You're all trying to cheat me. You're trying to cheat.

Yeah. I spoke to some of the guys on the staff, Benny.

Nobody wants to be a housekeeper.

I will. I'll keep tryin'. But I gotta tell you honestly, I don't think so.

Yeah. OK. Thanks.

Bye.

OK, Stevie.

I mean, I can't even keep a goldfish alive. What chance do I have with Joon?

If somethin' bad happened to her, I'd...

I'd never ever be able to forgive myself.

A group home is the right thing for her, Benny.

Yeah. This is definitely for her own good.

Hey, it's for both your own good.

How much longer can you do this to yourself?