New Girl

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This loft has devolved into chaos.

You promised me if we had sex this morning,

you wouldn't get riled up.

Sex was great. Blessings.

But look at all this mail.

Small-time drug dealers are more organized than this.

Oh, my God, my Uncle Lee got married.

This is what I'm talking about.

Oh, my God, he died.

Cece, what if that had been

one of your college acceptance letters?

I'm transferring to a four year university.

It's no big deal.

It's huge.

You graduated from a community college.

It was a sight to behold.

Cece Parikh. That's me.

Yay!

I'm not gonna let you lose out because our roommates

are a bunch of railway cats.

Clear your schedule. We're organizing.

Can't. I'm campaigning with Jess today.

Let's get ready

to Rodham!

Y'all ready for this... election?

What on Earth

are you celebrating?

It's okay. We know you're voting for Trump.

Not on your life,

nor am I voting for that flip-flopping

helmet head in a pantsuit.

I'm only focused

on one election.

The election that matters: Paul Ryan 2020.

All right.

While you sit this one out,

Cece and I

are gonna register new voters

and help Hillary prove

that a woman's place is in the house...

The White House.

The people's voice

must be heard

and that's what I've always believed.

As I see it, we have two choices.

Continue eating this pig slop

that they call butterscotch pudding

or we can raise our voices and demand

for locally-sourced, candied, Oregon apples!

You can silence me, but you can't silence the people!

This is not P.S. Hippie Montessori.

Nobody cares anymore.

Democracy is dead.

Wha...

If you get five new voters,

hell, you know what,

I'll vote for Hillary.

Excuse me?

Things... just... got... interesting.

But if you don't, you have to vote for Winston.

Bishop?

Winston Bishop?

Game on, you Republican minx.

Hey, guys,

if I win, I just want you

to know there will be

some things that come out about me.

Just ride it out.

Reagan's in Seattle.

Aly's at Quantico.

And here we are, you and me,

working that long "D."

The long what now?

We're working the what?

The long "D." Long distance relationships.

I mean, Aly and I

have got it down to an art.

Really? 'Cause I'm...

I'm really struggling.

In New Orleans, Reagan and I had such an easy time talking,

but now there's so much

pressure that we just text.

Just talk on the phone.

I hate talking on the phone, Winston.

I feel like I'm exposing my turd pipe.

What? I just know that I feel cold and I'm terrified.

Look, man, you got to understand something about the long "D."

At first, it's very hard.

Okay? It's a lot to take.

But the long "D" in the end is...

very much worth it.

You have to see what you're doing here.

Right now you're having problems.

I'm not. You know why?

'Cause you love the long "D."

I've adjusted to the long "D."

Okay. Sometimes it's rough.

Yeah, can be bumpy road sometimes, man.

The long "D" can be bumpy.

Ooh! Sometimes there's unexpected curves.

Don't I know it. But once it breaks you down a little bit,

you learn to like the long "D."

You're gonna say something like that?

You get used to it is what I'm saying.

I think I'm done with this.

Hello.

Hello.

Two canvassers reporting for duty.

Jessica Day,

school administrator. Cecilia Parikh,

community college graduate,

soon to be transferred

to a four year university.

I don't have time for this. Well, actually...

She doesn't know which one yet.

Yeah, I haven't been accepted.

I don't have time to listen to you.

Sure. Oh, no.

Just be respectful, informative.

Hillary Clinton was born in 1947

and her parents are Hugh and Dorothy.

Woman won a Grammy.

That's a fact.

Takes a village.

Try phone duty.

Great.

Quick question.

I've perfected

five different,

assertive, female voices.

You tell me which one you'd like me to use.

- : Hi. - : Hey.

- Hello. - : Good day.

: 'Sup. That was one.

What is so genius about the new system

is that it's completely self-explanatory.

Now, let's say you get a heating bill.

Where does it go? Oh.

Didn't know I was gonna be quizzed.

Loft bills.

That's right.

And do not put that in the old mail, soy sauce,

dead battery drawer.

Wh...

What?

What?

What is this drawer?

Take me to the drawer, Winston.

Where is it?

I didn't...

The hell is this?!

Uh... some... some of everything.

When you cut the belly open of a shark

and just everything topples out.

Have you people all just given up?

Well, hang on.

It's Cal State L.A.

This is Cece's first admissions letter.

Oh. I got to get this to her.

Winston! I hope you're happy!

I showed her my turd pipe.

I don't know

what's going on in your lives,

but we need to start eating dinner together again.

Mm-mm.

Oh.

You got in my head.

I decided to call Reagan and it went horribly.

Hi, this is Nick.

Yeah, Nick Miller, boyfriend. Boyfriend.

What you got?

Why am I talking this way? Hi.

Talking, me talking.

You listening, you listening.

Next thing I knew, I was saying the words

"phone" and "sex" and now she expects phone sex.

Nick, relax, man. Help me.

I'm screwed, Winston. I'm gonna lose her.

My friend, you are not gonna lose her, okay?

Phone sex is old school.

That's how our nanas got nasty.

True, true, true.

They'd be like, "What you wearing, Gertrude?"

She'd be like, "My bloom... bloomers.

Pull down those trousers and let me see that thing."

But... thanks to technology, hmm,

there's plenty other ways you can get sensual with your lady.

Welcome...

to the Winston Bishop Clinic for Satellite Sexual Intercourse.

Eh?

This is how you do phone sex?

Video sex, Nick.

Aloha.

Beautiful girl on a beautiful day in Hawaii.

Ooh.

Let's make love

for the Japanese bombers.

Oh, my God!