The Competition

I never knew you had this kind of wild side, honey.

Are you sure you know what you're doing?

Absolutely, you're going to be great at this.

Oh, here ya go!

Why aren't you strapped to an instructor?

I'm certified, I jump solo.

Yeah?

OK?

But I'm, I'm not ready!

All right, honey, we have to talk.

- What? - I'm breaking up with you!

- You're what? - It's not you it's me!

- What?! - There's an Uber waiting for you when you land!

OK.

I liked that one.

Yeah, he seemed nice.

Do you still want to make a jump?

There's another landing field up ahead.

Are you crazy? I could die.

Yeah, I'll be there at 6PM sharp like always.

No. Because there's never anybody I want you to meet, Mom.

Yeah, there still swimming, last I checked.

All right, I'll see you Sunday.

I love you too, bye-bye.

- Dinner Sunday at Mom's? - Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry, man. You want to come to dinner on Sunday?

Aw thanks, man, I'd love to.

So, what seismic earth shift got your ass off the couch

and in to my office today, buddy?

Basketball with the guys.

Oh, yeah.

Man, I can't do it, I got to work.

- Hoops, bro. - I hear ya, I can't do it. Look at this.

Oh, oh, who's the little brunette

with the big guy? What did he do, kill her?

- An assault. - He beat her up?

- She kicked his ass, actually. - Ha! Yeah?

Yeah, so she caught him having sex with the neighbor.

There was an altercation, and he's suing her for damages.

So, she hired me to make it all go away. She still loves the guy.

She wants him back after he boned the neighbor?

I don't know what to tell you, man.

Sexual impulses are strong, but sometimes,

I guess love is stronger.

Is that the Hayworth file?

It sure is.

So, you're handling the arbitration?

Yeah, I gotcha covered.

You bet, you can head home to the kids.

Oh!

Whoa, whoa!

Hey, honey. No, the Adderall is in the green bottle,

it's organic.

Yeah. No, honey, it's right next to the...

No!

That's liquid gold!

Nope, that's a goner.

Honey, you're going to have to take some milk

out of the freezer. I lost the afternoon load.

Sorry.

It's still warm.

I don't care. Calvin, I need you in my office.

You can close the door behind you.

You like it here don't you, Calvin?

Your work has been outstanding. Partners have noticed.

Yeah. You know, I'm surprised,

but you can actually do good work in an oversized law firm

with hourly rates higher than gods.

Hmm. How are the women's rights cases going?

Mm. Just fine, great.

Still winning?

I'm undefeated. But you knew that.

Hm. That's good.

It's really good.

Gena, why am I here?

I have a situation that needs handling,

and I think you are just the person for the job.

- Client? - Blogger.

My sister, actually.

Ah-ha. The mysterious sister you never speak of.

She was only 15 when our dad died.

Just a kid, really. She was heartbroken.

And then... I went off to law school...

Well, I'm sure she's fine.

She might look fine from the outside.

She's a successful scientist here in Portland, actually.

She writes formulas for Fortune 500 companies.

- What kind of formulas? - Various things.

Did you know that there is a formula for happiness?

Yeah, it's called whiskey.

Anyway, that is all a façade.

The real Lauren is a different person altogether.

Look at this.

The Pig Theory.

The point of infidelity and guilt.

Gena, this is kind of awesome.

It's not awesome, it's insane.

Can you imagine the impact she's having on these people's lives?

Not to mention her own mental wellbeing.

They're empowering her.

She's been offered a very lucrative book deal.

And I'm just concerned

that if she writes that book,

the girl I grew up with will be gone forever.

So, I need you to stop her.

The blog, the book, all of it.

And how exactly

am I supposed to do that?

I don't care how you do it.

Use your powers of persuasion.

You're undefeated, right?

Women love you.

Ah...

You want me to mess with this poor girl's head?

No, just... take her to drinks,

you know, show her that there are good guys out there.

Guys like you.

I'm sorry, I... I can't do that.

Mm. I had a feeling you'd say that.

So, I have an offer for you.

Do this and I will recommend

that you make partner to the board.

Now that's cold, Gena,

you know I deserve to make partner.

Yes, you do, and this will guarantee it.

Tucker, Aaronson, Mauldin & Chesney.

Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?

OK...

OK. I'll talk to her...

and I'll get her to shut down the blog.

Mm.

I knew you would see things my way.

No, no, you tell him I will make that donation to Popular Science

and I don't want any recognition for it.

People need their science, man.

Oh!

Whoa, whoa!

- Hey, you OK there? - Yeah.

You mind if I take a look?

Can I have my leg back?

Yeah, sorry.

Here, let me help you up.

- Here you go. - Thanks.

Listen, that could be a nasty sprain.

Why don't I get you some ice.

Maybe a cup of coffee?

You know, I don't know you.

I'm sorry, but why would I get coffee with you?

I'm Calvin.

Thanks.

I'm Lauren, by the way.

Nice to meet you.

What's-what's in the folder there?

Uh, it's my work. I'm a scientist,

but mainly I just work on product improvement.

And it's a report on a formula I was developing.

Wow, that sounds serious.

Not so much.

It's the formula for, I don't know, the perfect pizza.

Cheese, crust, and beer.

Basically, right? Yeah.

I mean, there might be a few more factors at play, but...

Such as?

All right, well, so the perfect pizza

boils down to that first perfect bite, you know?

But with these larger pizzas,

sometimes the crust can get a little soggy,

especially in the middle,

but you can calculate the perfect ratio

between the thickness of the pizza's crust

and constant volume of toppings,

then you can formulate the perfect bite.

Anyway, our client

used the formula to ad nine grams of dough to their pizza,

and now some say it's the perfect pizza.

Wow.

Yeah.

Well, you know what this means, don't you?

Actually, I really don't.

It means that you have to take me to this place

and we need to experience this perfect pizza.

I don't know,

I should probably just...

Come on, you have to.

It's the perfect pizza, it can't wait.

OK, OK, you're kind of putting me on the spot here,

but all right, let's try the pizza.

Come on, if you can walk, you can eat pizza.

I can hobble down the street a little bit, yeah.

All right, terrific... perfect pizza.

You can't tell a guy about a perfect pizza...

Come on... Do you need this?

- Yeah, thank you. - Are you sure you trust me with this?

Wow, I gotta say, that was a pretty good pizza.

- Pretty good. - Pretty good.

I don't know if it's the perfect pizza...

- Oh, I see. - Thank you.

But it's pretty good.

I'll give it to you, it's pretty good.

It's pretty good. OK.