Fresh Meat

There's no wonder there's a recession on

if all these companies are just giving away so many pens.

I think you're only meant to take one.

Yeah, Kingsley, let's all take one of things, like good little communists.

Sorry, I forgot we're living in Cuba.

Where next, Howard?

Howard, what are you doing?

I've got blood on my sleeve. I don't want BP to see it.

We're not talking to BP.

Not after they did that massive oily shit all over the Gulf of Mexico.

Yeah, but Kings, in their defence, that was miles away.

And they're giving away free...

Howard?

Mouse mats.

Oh, well then. If you'll excuse me,

this cat is going to gets his paws on the mouse...

mats.

Fine. Come on then. Let's meet the Fockers.

And behave yourself, OK?

Some of these guys may well want a piece of me.

They kill the planet. Someone's got to tell them.

Someone is telling them. His name is Sting.

Anyway, it's America's fault.

If the Yanks are actually upset about the Gulf of Mexico,

they should start cycling.

A-hem.

Nobody called or anything, so I tidied up.

I also defragged the hard-drive.

I also did an aerial map of the office.

Oh.

Yes.

Why did you do that?

Nobody called.

Where's this stuff going, Jee?

Oh, er, just pop it on my desk, Deh. Oregon, this is Derek.

He's going to be working with us from now on.

Hi.

I was sitting there.

I'm hot-desking.

Any chance of a cup of tea?

Oooh, I'd murder a cup of tea.

So could I.

So I guess I'll just make some.

I brought my own mug.

And there's the BP summer internship scheme for particularly promising students.

I'm particularly promising.

Well, I can give you a form if you want?

Yes, please.

Thanks. What's the green form? Can I have a green form?

It says there's an application pack. Can I have one, please?

Yeah, we like to let people read about the internship before...

Can I have one, please?

OK. I get it.

You ask for stuff while he steals the mouse mats.

No! I want a pack. I do.

I mean, he is stealing mouse mats, but...

I'm not stealing anything, they're free.

I'm not a part of this.

I've got a built in mouse-pad on my laptop.

I don't need a mouse mat.

Er, any chance of a photo?

I'll be in a photo.

Wait, what's that?

Oh, that's not my blood.

I work in an abattoir.

This is a cable knit jumper, it just sucks it up like Weetabix.

Yeah, not this guy.

He's too on message for a Geology student.

Take him away, would you?

No, no, no please!

Sure. Come on.

This guy's good. Let's have a photo with this one.

Me?

Yeah, come on.

So, you're interested in working for BP?

Um, not really.

Don't believe all that stuff you read.

Not everything wrong with the world is our fault.

Yeah, I know. Some of it's Shell.

Hmm, exactly!

Anyway, if the Americans are really upset about the effects

of deep water drilling, they should start cycling.

What did you say your name was?

Kingsley.

Macauley. We have similar names.

Mm. Yeah, sort of...

Of course it's not an arm.

It looks very arm-y, though.

Which bit of the abattoir is this from, Howard?

The animal bit or the industrial accidents area?

Leg, yes.

Wing, yes.

Arm, a limb too far, my friend.

I won't eat something that could punch me.

It's 100% probably not an arm.

Oregon, is that you?

No, it's us, we're home!

What does she mean home? She doesn't fucking live here.

Hey, where were you?

Just at the Union.

Yeah, I was talking to Heather.

We were going to go for a run at seven?

Yeah, me and Kingsley went for a quick drink because...

Tuesday's my night, Kingsley! You know the rota.

If you want to see Heather, you wait till Wednesday.

Erm, well, it couldn't be helped, we had some good news.

Are you pregnant? If so, get rid. Seriously.

Don't even flinch. Just, get rid.

No. God, no. No.

Just, I've been invited to some BP drinks thing at the end of the week.

What! How? Like what "thing"?

It's called, Students to Watch.

It's no big deal, although they only select 15 students

from the entire country or something.

Oh, he's getting all excited about it.

I'm not, I'm, whatever, maybe I'll go, maybe I won't.

Who knows?

Well, presumably you know.

BP? Are you serious?

I had a photo taken with a guy and we got talking.

And now you're in the club.

Oooh, now you get to go round killing seabirds

and putting bets on which Chinese kids

are going to die first in the sweat shops.

I don't think BP have sweat shops so much as petrol stations, but...

It's the same machine. BP, Tesco's, Millets, all of 'em, Lush.

You can dress that shit up until it looks all sweet and lovely,

but you can't stop it stinking.

Yeah. I agree with that. Strongly.

With what? None of us know what she's talking about.

She's basically just saying that you're now nothing

but a puppet for the man.

Exactly.

Which man is this?

The man...

The man who runs... the whole thing.

The BP CEO is called Bob Dudley.

Not him.

We're talking about the guy behind the guy.

You know, the guy you don't see.

Right. You mean Executive Director Iain Conn, then?

Why are BP even interested in you, Kings?

Is it some sort of affirmative action thing because you're poor?

I don't know, OK, but they are. Now let's just all eat some...

Is that an arm?

Would you like some oil on it, Kingsley?

Seeing as you love oil so much.

Seeing as you love covering animals in oil.

That's a waste because that's extra virgin...

You're extra virgin,

you virgin-until-really-recently dickhead!

Cool. Well, this has gone really well.

You OK?

Yeah, I'm fucking fab. So, are we going for a run or not?

Well, it's night time, and my arm's still a bit sore from...

OK, God, look! I am sorry that I broke your arm!

But Jesus! Can we please get over it!

I didn't mean it like that.

Sabine!

Oregon's not home so you can have her... arm!

It may well not be an arm!

Where is Oregon, anyway?

Hi, Jee.

Yeah, I'm still here.

Tell her I'm still here.

Just in case any emails come in from the States or... Exactly.

Tell her I'm here.

OK. Yeah. Will do. OK, thanks. Bye.

Jee, Jean. Hi, hi. It's Oregon, yeah. I'm also still here.

Is that OK?

Yeah, just the Tea Tree shower gel makes it go all tingly.

"Too on message for a Geology student."

That's what the BP guy said.

Too on message. What does that mean?

I think what he's saying is that you don't really lay down a great vibe.

Well, no, I'm deliberately vibeless. I'm the minister without vibe.

Look, everyone's got a vibe, Howard.

You know, yours is the whole NHS specs, chronic masturbator,

Lord of the Rings fan vibe.

But I don't even like Lord of the Rings!

Look, don't sweat it, How.

We don't even need these BP goons to vibe with us because we're mavericks.

We'll make our money by inventing something

or money laundering, whatever.

It's just I get excellent exam results

and a robust reference from the abattoir, but I lose out to the guy

with the better haircut and less memorable handshake.

Why? What's your handshake?

Yeah, stop doing that.

This is bonkers!

BP give all management a Toyota Avensis and full life insurance!

It's what Cobain died for.

I'm just saying, it's interesting.

In the event of my death,

you'd receive a payout of ten times my annual salary.

Right, so what you're saying is give up on the dentistry,

just marry and then kill you?

You joke, but this is a really big opportunity.

I thought you wanted to make music.

I know. I do, but maybe I could make music and work for BP.