Only Fools and Horses

# Stick a pony in me pocket

# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van

# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns

# But you don't ask questions

# Then, brother, I'm your man

# 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery

# It's like the changing of the seasons and the tides of the sea

# But here's the one that's driving me berserk:

# Why do only fools and horses work?

# La-la la-la la

# La-la la-la la

# La-la la-la la la-la la-la la... #

What's up with you, Rodney?

I'm a bit nervous, that's all.

I mean, this bloke we're gonna see, this Justin.

He's not going to ask me about my private life, is he?

Of course he ain't. Well, not that private.

He won't want to know about you and Cassandra's little problems.

No, no. Good. 'Cause otherwise I...

What problems? Me and Cassandra haven't got any problems.

That's not what you said to me.

So there's been one or two minor hiccups

in the bedroom department,

but they're personal and I told you in confidence.

All right.

I'm not going to be telling him about your thongs and things.

I won't say what Cassandra wears either.

Sorry to keep you. It's been a particularly busy morning.

I've got all the basic details about your business career,

but I'd like to get an insight into the real you.

How you started, how you became so successful,

but more importantly, your lives and your "raison d'etre".

Oh, yeah. "Laboratory Garny."

So, in your own words and in your own time.

Well, where shall I start, Justin?

Well, up to a few years ago,

we were just very ordinary people

living very ordinary lives. Weren't we, Rodney?

Mmm.

And then, as you know,

one day I discovered an historic and almost priceless artefact.

At first we didn't know what to do with it.

That's right.

We thought about donating it to the British Museum.

Yeah. And then we decided to flog it.

So before you know it,

Rodders and me have come into

nigh on six and a half million quid.

Well, after we divvied the dosh up -

making sure our Uncle Albert got a nice little drink.

But we thought of others first.

We donated to charity -

anonymously, of course.

So, eventually, we had to start thinking about our future.

So we sought out this City stockbroker and he advised us

to invest in a new and vibrant venture.

The Central American market.

It was attracting massive funds.

We were making more money than the Royal Mint.

But we weren't flash.

Oh, no, no. We weren't flash.

When we went away on business, we took the family with us.

There would be me and Raquel -

my significant other - and, of course...

- Rodney, Cassandra. - Cheers.

And not forgetting my young son Damien.

He's a lad, in't he, eh?

# She's into superstition

# Black cats and voodoo dolls

# I feel a premonition

# That girl's gonna make me fall

# She's into new sensations

# New kicks and candlelight

# She's got a new addiction

# For every day and night... #

Oh, Mr Trotter.

It's good to see you again.

Bonnet de douche, Dominique.

Bonnet de douche.

Del, you've got to have a word with Damien.

- People are complaining. - Oh, no. What's he done now?

He's weed in the swimming pool.

Leave it out, Cassandra.

All little boys do a Johnny Cash in the pool.

Yes, but not from the top of the four-metre diving board.

The little git.

# To make you go insane All right!

# Upside inside out

# She's living la vida loca

# She'll push and pull you down

# Living la vida loca... #

Well, this is the bizzo, ain't it, Rodders?

It's not too bad, is it?

Old Uncle Albert would love it here, eh?

Yeah. Mind you, bet your life he's been here before!

He's happy down on the coast, right next door to the sea.

And he's living in sin with old Elsie Partridge -

his "girlfriend".

His girlfriend! Do me a favour!

I heard she cut the ribbon on the opening of Stonehenge!

At least we don't get the Battle of the Baltic every night.

- "During the war..." - "During the war..."

Come on, Rodders. I feel lucky tonight.

Del, I can't, mate.

- What? - I promised Cassandra.

No gambling, no discos,

no talking to women and no boozing.

Yeah. What she meant was not to excess.

You're not on probation, are you?

I'll treat us to a few bottles of champagne to get us started.

- "During the war..." - "During the war..."

"I was aboard this battle cruiser..."

And then, just as everything seemed to be going so well...

# Her lips are devil red

# Her skin's the colour mocha

# She will wear you out... #

Something...

something terrible happened.

Chateauneuf du Pape!

Negotiations between the Central American countries

had collapsed.

We was wiped out. Nicht a coin.

We'd even paid for the hotel on a credit card -

a credit card which had now been withdrawn.

But Derek is, if nothing else, a very creative businessman,

and he came up with a solution to our dilemma.

Monsieur Trotter! Your bill!

Right. It's time to go.

Follow me, gentlemen.

How long did it take the news to hit the UK?

As long as it took to push a button on the Internet.

Suddenly, all our "business associates"

wouldn't return our calls.

We were in the financial wilderness.

Fortunately, we come from a strong community,

and when our old friends from Peckham heard the news

they was as gutted as us. Weren't they?

There's a name that crops up every now and then.

Michael Fisher.

Landlord of a public house - the Nag's Head, Peckham.

What part did he play in the proceedings?

Well, Mike invested his life savings in our venture.

He remortgaged the pub.

Will Mr Fisher give evidence?

No. He's in prison.

He's awaiting trial.

The Fraud Squad claims that he tried to recoup his losses

by embezzling the brewery.

Never was a man more innocent.

I take it Mr Fisher will be pleading not guilty?

No. He confessed to everything.

For Gawd's sake, sit down! You're wearing the marble out!

I can't help it! I've never been a character witness before.

And you think we have?

I'm worried. Del's made a terrible mistake.

Of course he's made a terrible mistake.

That's why he's in court.

No. I mean having you four as character witnesses.

It's like inviting the Manson Family to dinner.

I saw Del and Rodney earlier. They seemed confident.

They've arranged to meet Raquel and Cassandra to celebrate,

so I'd avoid Pizza Hut if I were you!

Del was not confident. He was deeply worried.

He didn't even touch me up.

- I've got most to worry about. - Why?

I'm managing the Nag's Head till Mike is released.

But how exactly do I know what he got up to?

Yeah. How does Sid know Mike didn't post-date his fiddles

so the police think they're Sid's?

There's nothing to be nervous about.

All you've got to do is tell the truth.

Trig, if I go in there and tell the truth,

Del and Rodney will spend the next five years

sharpening Jeffrey Archer's pencils.

What are you going to do, Trig?

I'm gonna tell 'em I hear voices.

Trig, you're not on trial, you're a character witness.

I know, but I hear voices.

Oh, Gawd, it's gonna be one of them days.

I notice that your properties were company owned,

- so you both lost your homes? - Yes.

I had a lovely place on the river.

Well, I had an estate with peacocks and everything.

Anyway, at least we weren't homeless.

Due to my foresight some years previously,

I had bought another property. So we had somewhere to live.

Yeah. It's called our old flat, Nelson Mandela House!

That just goes to show how our fortunes altered.

- Suddenly, everything changed. - Yeah.

All our good luck turned to bad.

Every day there was more rows, there was more bad news.

We thought things couldn't possibly get worse.

Boy, how wrong we were.

Good evening.

Welcome to the quiz show everyone is talking about.

This is the fastest game show on TV.

This is Monday, this is Jonathan Ross,

and this is Goldrush!

It's no good looking at me with that Anne Robinson face.

I'll look at you any way I like.