Daniel Tosh: People Pleaser

Wow.

Thank you.

Ugh, believe it or not, that gets old.

It is great to be here in America.

Oh, yeah.

The greatest country in the world...

if you haven't traveled a lot.

Do we have to constantly scream we're number one?

It's always the people that live

in the most boring parts of this country

that scream the loudest.

People in Kansas, "We're the greatest country in the world."

It's like, do you guys have Internet there?

You ever seen a photo of Fiji?

I've never been to Fiji, but I've seen photos.

It looks pretty amazing.

It's hard to think we're better than that.

We're top ten.

Maybe if we started screaming that every day,

maybe terrorists would stop trying

to saw our heads off.

"We're top ten."

And they'd be like, "That's fair."

"It was that number one stuff that was getting old."

America's basically turned into one of these factories

where we just have a sign up like,

"It's been 22 days since our last horrible thing."

Then it's like, "Oop, all right, rip it down.

We're back at zero again."

These things just keep happening,

you know, whether it's Ferguson or Baltimore.

I can solve racist cops.

That's an easy fix.

But nobody comes to me for the answers.

You want to get rid of that forever?

How about this?

Only black people should be allowed to be cops.

Boom, problem solved.

And if any of you have issue with this,

it's because you're racist.

"Well, what about white people?"

White people can be firefighters.

We're more outdoorsy. It makes sense.

White people, firefighters. Black people, cops.

Who wants tickets to the softball game now?

Yeah, it's gonna get pretty tense.

Might want to put in a mercy rule.

And the next time we have one of these tragedies--

inevitably, we will--

and you happen to be so unfortunate enough

to know the person that's being accused of the crime,

do us all a favor and don't get on TV the next day

and be like, "I lived next to him for 32 years.

I never could have seen this coming."

Maybe you should be locked up for six months.

I find nothing more disrespectful.

You never could have seen it coming?

I've never met anyone in my entire life

that I couldn't wrap my brain around the fact

that they are capable of awful things.

Literally no one.

My mom could blow up a nursery.

And if you put me on TV the next day

and I was completely honest with myself,

I'd be like, "I can fucking see it.

"No, it makes sense.

"Sometimes when I was a kid, I'd come home from school;

"she wasn't happy to see me.

I think she hates children."

Ladies, know that every man you're sitting next to tonight,

if you could get into their head

and see every thought they have ever had,

you would immediately pull out a gun

and blow your head off.

Because trust me, they are capable of anything.

All day long, every day,

nothing but twisted, weird, awful shit

is just going round and round and round.

And what do you do at night?

You snuggle up next to him

because you're so happy that you're not alone.

And I think that says more about you.

That notion that your parents raised you on,

"Stand by your man"?

If you're insane.

The second your man gets accused of anything,

you immediately distance yourself.

Just be like, "Eh, I don't know

what the fuck he's into."

Buy clothes in the next town.

We'll forgive you.

By the way, I do love this country.

We're the only place with any diversity.

The entire planet's segregated.

You realize that when you watch international sports.

Like, I was trying to watch the World Cup,

uh, despite hating it.

I get it; soccer's the most popular sport on the planet.

That's because half the world can't afford AC.

And that's about how long you have to run

just to get tired enough to fall asleep

in these godforsaken countries.

You ever try to gamble on soccer?

"What's the over/under, 0.5?

Mm. How much time's left?"

"It's a secret."

I'm out."

But we have diversity. Other teams don't.

Or if you look at the Olympics,

you look at our, uh, U.S. Gymnastics squad,

we have an Asian girl, a white girl, a black girl.

Look at the Chinese squad.

Any guesses?

Did you guess exclusively Chinese bitches?

Yeah, that's all that's ever been on that team.

That's all that will ever be on that team.

Then they wonder why they're not getting golds anymore.

Well, you better get a Harlem in China.

You think snapping together iPads all day is tough?

It is. Not as tough as it used to be.

Now they have suicide nets around their building

so they can jump out, bounce right back.

"Sorry, boss, just needed some fresh air.

"Back to making Americans more stuff?

You got it."

This is a tough joke to do as a white comedian,

but here goes.

Because where this country is now,

from where we came from is pretty remarkable.

There's nothing more shameful in our country's past

than slavery.

Okay, it's horrible.

But I've grown up in a generation

where I've idolized black people my entire life.

They are better at everything.

So the fact that we pulled off slavery--

I've already said it's awful.

That's off the table.

I'm just saying it's kind of neat.

I mean, at any point, they could have been like,

"You know we can just run away, right?

"And you will never catch us.

And if you do, we will beat the living shit out of you."

All right, that's about how well

that joke should go over.

There's a fine line between appreciating the sarcasm

and, "Ooh, this feels like a rally."

And you did well.

That's a joke I do not do everywhere.

That's a joke if the audience gets a little too excited,

I shut it down.

You start hearing a couple "yee-haws,"

trouble's a-brewing.

As soon as "yee-haw" hits a certain octave,

hate crime in T minus ten, nine...

The unemployment rate in our country's around 6.5%.

I'm told that's pretty good.

I could care less.

I wish a president would have the balls

to say what I'm about to.

10% of Americans don't deserve jobs.

Good night.

Like, that's a number I can get my head around.

Of course, there's exceptions to that.

That's not who we're talking about.

But if you don't think 10% of Americans

are lazy pieces of shit,

then you have never traveled anywhere.

Because the number that blows me away

is that over 90% of Americans have jobs.

Who the fuck is hiring you morons?

Because I wouldn't.

The sense of entitlement?

Everyone thinks they deserve more than they have.

No one's content.

Young kids--I won't even talk to them anymore

because you parents have done such a bang-up job.

If I meet one more kid and ask him

what he wants to do when he gets older

and he replies, "I want to be famous like you,"

I'm gonna kick him in his teeth.

You're never gonna be famous.

Never.

You have no chance.

I didn't get here because I work hard.

I have a gift from God.

"Everybody gets their 15 minutes of fame, buddy."

Excuse me?

That's an average.

Yeah, that's zero for you, you, you, you.

Zero, zero, zero, zero, zero,

20 years, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero.

Everybody gets 15 minutes?

You know Andy Warhol was on drugs

when he said that, right?

He didn't think he'd be quoted for the rest of eternity,

let alone taken seriously as an artist.