Passport to Paris

This is the world.

And this is the center of it. At least we think so.

That's me. My name's Melanie. My friends call me Mel.

That's my sister Allyson, a.k.a. Ally.

And this is junior high,

where we spend approximately 30 % of our waking hours.

And 4 % of our sleeping hours.

I mean, don't get me wrong. We study a lot of important subjects.

For example, there's science.

See for yourself.

It's true. Kelly has split ends.

Then there's english.

She was totally edging on my squeeze.

So I dinged her with a bounce-bounce in the numbers lab.

And then there's creative writing.

And finally, that most important of important subjects,

the staple of every seventh grader's education...

Social studies.

The most popular boys in Northwood Junior High.

At least this week.

Enter Helene and Darlene. Cheerleaders.

Enough said.

I wish they'd ask us to the spring fling dance.

Yeah, well, we can't get near them with tweedledum and tweedledumber around.

- Kyle, let's snack some lime slime. - Dude.

But if you can't beat 'em, mess with their heads.

It's super top secret.

Come on, Mel, I promise not to tell anybody.

Well, I heard...

5 kids went home sick today after eating the meatloaf.

The meat was so bad it had e. Coli and f. Coli.

Did it have those little white worms?

No. Those brown squishy worms.

Like this one.

It worked.

Hey, Melanie.

- Hey, Ally. - Hey.

- I'm Melanie. That's Ally. - Oh. Right.

- Worm? - Gross-out candy. Cool.

- You guys are all right. - Thanks.

- Mmm. Great dinner, mom. - Where's the fire?

- I have to call to Hannah. - After I call Jenna.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on.

Don't you guys have something else to do tonight besides talk on the phone?

Like what?

- Um, a little thing we used to call homework? - We already did it. Swear.

- We do mat h homework during science... - And science during english...

And everything else during social studies.

That class is so s and c.

S and c...

Snooze and cruise.

Talk about a bore war.

It's totally...

If we were running the world, there'd be no wars,

that's for sure.

There'd be so many pool parties, and everybody would be in a great mood.

Nobody likes to fight in a bikini.

Mind?

Ok, who'd you rather kiss... Kyle or Leonardo DiCaprio?

Get out. He does too shower.

They're turning 13 next month, and their world is the size of a pinhead.

I heard they're opening up a max store at the mall...

Right next to Kenneth Cole.

I think a pinhead is bigger.

Honey, I don't know what more we can expect from them.

- They're both getting straight A's. - But it's not about grades, Jack.

It's about life.

I mean there's more to the world than call waiting and a day at the mall.

It's up to us to show them.

What do you have in mind?

In 1805, Napoleon upgraded the sewers...

So that he could claim France had the most advanced water system in the world.

The time between his escape from Elba...

To his ultimate defeat at Waterloo was called the 100 days...

Because it took, well, 100 days.

In 1815, after his exile to Elba,

Napoleon sadly disappeared from the world's stage.

Napoleon died on may 5, 1821.

Hmm. What have we here?

"Mel, how 'bout Shane and me take you and Al to spring fling dance?"

Hmm. Well, Melanie, what do you have to say for yourself?

"Definitely."

- "Thursday, Margie's beach party. - Friday, Hannah's pool party,"

and saturday, spring fling with gorgeous Shane.

And perfect Kyle.

And that still leaves time for hanging at the mall.

Why can't it be spring break all year round?

Knock, knock.

Now wait a minute. You guys are supposed to say, "who's there?"

Uh, dad, we're a little old for knock-knock jokes.

Dad, that's so barney.

Then I guess you're too old for presents.

No! Presents? No. Presents?

Ok.

- Camera? - Passport? Where are we going?

Paris?

- We're going to Paris? - You're going to Paris.

We're going to Paris!

- When are we going to Paris? - Next week over spring break.

Nooooo!

In 1815, after his exile to Elba,

Napoleon sadly disappeared from the world's stage.

Napoleon also had plans...

We wanted to go to Paris, really, we did.

We were just majorly bummed about missing the dance.

Anyway, we sent notes to Kyle and Shane... Explaining why we had to bail.

They were bummed, too.

For about a millisecond.

They didn't even wait an hour before asking... Helene and Darlene to the dance.

Forget Kyle and Shane. I can't believe we even liked those dorks.

They couldn't even tell us apart.

I guess.

It's just that I thought that Shane was gonna be my first real boyfriend.

Wait. What if we don't get asked out again until we're, like, 20?

We'll do what everyone else does... Blame our parents.

Hey, hey, how's the packing coming?

What can I say?

We're teenagers.

Grandpa is sending a car to pick you up at the airport.

Can't believe we have to spend a whole week with grandpa edward.

He's so strict.

I know. You might as well just send us to prison. It's probably a lot cheaper.

I know your grandpa is not great with you girls... Mom.

That's like saying the Titanic's not great with icebergs.

Ok, ok.

Try to understand.

Come here.

Try to understand...

Your grandfather is the ambassador to France.

He's a very, very busy man,

and he loves you both very much.

He just sometimes forgets to show it.

I'm sorry you're gonna miss the dance.

But there will be others, I promise.

- I love you. - I love you, too.

Love you.

- I get window seat. - No, you always get window seat.

- Do not. - Do too.

- Mel, Mel, do you have the, uh... - Passports?

- Ally, do you have the... - Tickets?

Mom, don't worry. We're, like, 13.

We're not kids any more.

You're on my side of the car.

- Am not. - Are too.

I'm worried.

What, about them?

About Paris.

It was a long flight.

Welcome to American Airlines.

Our flight today will be cruising at an altitude of 35,000 feet.

Bienvenue suis American Airlines...

Ally and I talked most of the way, and then we fell asleep.

By the time we woke up...

Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts...

As we make our final descent into Paris.

Look, the Eiffel Tower.

- Ooh, look at it... - Take a picture.

Is this the Champs Elysees?

This is where all the major shopping is.

Oh, I so want to go here.

Look how cute that boy is.

Look at that car. Oh, my gosh. It's so tiny.

Look. Arc de Triomphe.

Take a picture.

I get to practice my french here. This is so cool.

That's not redame.

Look at that building.

Beautiful bridge.

I wonder if grandpa will have any time for us.

Hope so.

Yes, the ambassador's very interested in your position.

I'll have to get back to you on that. Au revoir.

I'm Jeremy Bluff, special assistant to the ambassador.

Your grandfather's just finishing up a conference call.

- Now which of you is which? - I'm Melanie. She's Ally.

For today.

Tough crowd.

Wow!

For a civil servant, grandpa's doing all right.

- Is that my granddaughters? - Hi, grandpa.

Welcome to Paris.

It's been far too long.

Almost 15 months since I've been to the states.

Oh, françois. My granddaughters, Allyson and Melanie.

Charmed, mademoiselles.

Oh, Henri. My granddaughters. They've just arrived in from the states.

Ah, honored and proud. I am Henri.

And, no, I have no hot dogs or peanuts butter.

Now, if you'll excuse me. I have a casserole just moments from dessert.

Jeremy, just in time.

Unfortunately, girls, I've got a very busy schedule this week,

so I will be unable to chaperone you around the city.

However, my good assistant Jeremy here...

Will be happy to act as your tour guide.

- Me? But, sir, i... - It's all been arranged.

I've got a full itinerary set for each day.

Yes, sir.

Great. We're stuck with bore-zilla.

We'll at least have fun torturing him all week.

Let me remind you...