Mrs Brown's Boys

Ha-ha-ha!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!

Look at all this.

Another week in them.

For God's sake. Dirty clothes.

Dust and dirt everywhere.

I'm even getting a smell.

Urgh! You need to tidy it up.

I'm talking about you, you wrinkled old camel scrotum.

I haven't been to the toilet in three days.

Oh, we'll get an Uber to take you there.

Hello, there.

You're up very early.

Come on, come in.

You'll notice I'm not looking my usual beautiful self. Well, I...

This house is turning into the lost and found at Dublin Airport.

And who owns all the stuff? Not me.

I'm sorry. I'm just...

I'm not sleeping great.

I go to bed at night, exhausted, barely able to get up the stairs.

But do I sleep?

No.

Hm!

And I worry about it...

...because I don't know what's wrong with me.

Hm!

I spend the night tossing and turning.

Me body wants to go to sleep, but my brain is going,

"No, feck off!"

Ugh.

I know I should count myself lucky.

There's people my age who are out there, they say goodnight

to their loved ones and drift off to sleep.

And the next person they see is... Oh.

Jesus Christ.

Hiya, Mammy. Turn off the buckin' light.

No. Wakey-wakey.

Bad sleep again last night? Yes.

You need to do something about that.

I've tried, Cathy.

I've tried brandy, Horlicks,

the porn... The news channel.

You need to talk with Dr Flynn.

Cathy, I want to have a sleep.

I don't want to go into a buckin' coma.

Where are you off to?

I'm meeting Sharon and Maria for breakfast

down the shopping centre. Oh.

What?!

You look awful, Mammy.

Good, because I feel it.

Can I do anything?

You could gather up some of the clothes and put a wash on.

There's more in the wash basket there. Ah, no.

I just did my nails.

I didn't ask you to take them down to the river and beat them

on the rocks.

What's the rush? I'll do it later.

It's always that with you, Cathy. Always later.

Even with sex.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Did I say that out loud? Yeah, I did.

Try it again.

It's always later with you.

Oh, right, I'm going to go because you're obviously in one

of your moods.

I'll see you when I get back. If I'm still here. Oh!

Mammy, will you call Dr Flynn?

He'll prescribe you something.

And before you know it, you'll be back to normal

and you can straighten this place out.

Well, that's a family vacuum, by the way.

I won't be insulted if I see you using it.

How bad does a house have to get before one of them decides

to empty the dishwasher?

Or put out the buckin' bin?

Agnes! What do you want now?

Call the doctor.

What's wrong with you now?

I haven't been to the toilet in three days.

Well, at 60 euros for a doctor's visit,

you can hang on to it. Ah!

I haven't even the energy to go over and make myself a cup of tea.

I'm constipated!

No, you're not. You're just full of shit.

Hello. How do you do?

To speak to Dr Flynn, press one.

Hello.

To leave a message for Dr Flynn, press two.

Hello, Dr Flynn, this is Agnes Brown.

End of message.

Health Service, my arse.

I've been on that phone for nearly a feckin' hour.

Count yourself lucky, Agnes.

Winnie, there's people out there dying.

In the garden?

No, Winnie, at the bus stop.

Do you take sugar? One. No - maybe two.

What spoo...? I'll do it myself.

Agnes.

What?

Promise you won't get upset.

Go on.

Your house. What about it?

Well, it's looking a little bit grubby.

Er, I'm aware of that.

Winnie, I am running on fumes.

I haven't time to scratch my arse, never mind clean the house.

Well, I could do that for you.

Clean my house? No, scratch your arse.

No, Winnie, no!

I can do that myself, Winnie. No, thank you.

I could do that for you, though. I could clean your house.

No, Winnie, no. Don't, no.

And, Winnie, please, don't argue with me when I'm tired.

Or when I'm not tired.

Good morning, Mammy. Hey, Mrs McGoogan.

Where's he going with that?

To the sitting room, by the looks of it.

Winnie, do you want that tea to go? Go where?

Over your buckin' lap.

How are yas? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Just hold on, there, now.

Excuse me, Mario and Luigi.

Can I help you boys with something?

Oh, that'd be great, Mrs Brown. There's more boxes in the van.

Well, they can buckin' stay there. Dermot, what's going on?

Me lock-up has leak, Ma.

I have to move my stuff out while Mark fixes it.

Why don't you put it in your own house?

Are you joking me?

Maria wouldn't have that, Ma.

She says it makes the place look cluttered.

Have I got a sign on my back saying "Mrs Brown - storage"?

No.

There's more clutter now I have to deal with.

Well, you'd hardly notice it in here, Agnes.

And what can I do about it, Winnie? I'm exhausted.

Well, get the kids to help you out.

Fat chance with that.

Hello. Hello, son. How are you, Ma?

Hi, Mark. How are you, Winnie?

How are you, Mark?

Are you on your own? Ha - might as well be.

Why? Betty and that phone of hers.

What about it?

It's never out of her hand, Ma.

Come on, Mark. Calm down. It can't be that bad.

Hello, Betty. How are you?

Hi.

That's ridiculous.

You see? Facebook, Twitter, Instagram -

taking over her life, it is.

You should get her just to pick one.

Exactly, Winnie.

I recommend OnlyFans.

I'm not even going to ask.

Betty nearly died this morning. No!

Yeah. Staring at her phone.

Stepped out in front of a truck.

I saved her just in time. You gobshite.

You could have been free!

How are you, Ma? I haven't slept for a week.

Grandad doesn't give a shit.

And I mean that literally.

I can't get Dr Flynn's clinic on the phone, the bastards.

Why is Betty on her phone so much?

Who knows, Winnie?

She said she's bored.

She was looking for a part-time job, but it didn't pan out.

Well, Agnes is looking for a cleaner.

Shut up, Winnie.

Mrs Brown.

There's a really weird smell in there.

Weird? Yeah.

Like something sour.

Oh, it's probably just Betty.

Sorry. What was that? Nothing. Nothing.

Betty, I wonder, would you check has Grandad wet himself again?

Yeah, Cathy said you weren't sleeping well.

No. And what did Dr Flynn say?

I told you. I couldn't get him.

But anyway, he needs to see Grandad, too.

Mm. Well, listen, I just dropped around to grab some of me tools

from the spare room, for Dermot's job.

Take all your tools. I have no room for them, Ma.

I have no room for them here, either. And with Dermot's costumes,

your tools and whoever bastard owns that thing.

I haven't room to walk around my own house.

Do you want me to put my tools into the attic? No, no.

That's full of Cathy's boyfriend's photographs.

Mrs Brown, Dr Flynn's booked out for the afternoon, but I managed to get

you an appointment for tomorrow morning. He'll take you at 10.30.

Thank you. Oh, and Barbara will be round later to do your hair.

That should cheer you up. It will.

Did you do all that online?

Yeah. Aye.

Oh. Mark, open the car.

OK.

What's for lunch, Ma?