United States of Al

Here's the plan for tomorrow.

We start at 8:00 a.m.

First is Dunkin' Donuts, next is Krispy Kreme...

Hold on.

It's Veterans Day.

There are 27 restaurants offering free food

to anybody who served in the military.

Even the Air Force.

You know it.

Point is, you can't go donut to donut.

Every donut is a chicken pot pie you're not having later.

Listen to that wisdom.

I've been a veteran a lot longer than you.

Learn from my mistakes.

Junk, junk, bill.

Something from the V.A.

And you got

a catalog for slippers.

Oh, gimme, gimme.

I hate how excited I am about this.

What is it?

My disability rating.

Oh.

What does it say?

70 percent.

Wow.

I know.

You okay?

Apparently, I'm only 30% okay.

Good things will come from this, Riley Jaan.

You'll get a check every month.

Hearing loss, arthritis, PTSD.

Ooh, that part has a whole bunch of words.

Let me tell you about these doctor numbers.

When I was in my mother's womb,

they said I had a 30% chance to survive.

And look at me now. I am 100% here.

Hey, do me a favor. Hmm?

Don't mention this when the boys come over tomorrow.

Riley, you don't have anything to be embarrassed about.

Oh, you haven't read this letter.

Okay.

I won't mention it.

Tomorrow...

is about celebrating your service, seeing old friends

and eating until we are sick.

God bless America.

You look good, Pop.

Where do you think you get it from?

I wish you'd come on our food crawl

instead of doing your parade.

Come on, what would a parade be without the color guard?

Faster?

Oh, they're here, they're here.Ah!

Todd, you ugly bastard, get in here!

I'm ugly? You look like your face caught fire

and someone put it out with a brick.

It's funny because they are both beautiful men.

Al, you got fat!

Lizzie, it's funny because...I understand jokes.

Hey, big guy.

This is my dad. You are gonna love him.

Hey, nice to finally meet you.TODD: Same, sir.

This is my sister. Stay away from her.

Hey.

Hi.

Todd, thank you for your help getting my sister out of Kabul.

I'm just glad she's safe.

I am ready to eat!

Badger!

Hey, man.

Nate. Hi, Mr. Dugan.

Hey, Nate.

You got tall.

You got your braces off.

I know, right? Uh, looks good.

Whatever.

Hazel, why don't you go bring some refreshments for our guests

instead of standing here giggling.

Oh, my God, I am not giggling.

[rock music playing over speakers]

I'm already kind of full.

Damn it, Todd, you will not be slowing us down.

We're not in combat anymore. We will leave you behind.

Hey, Todd, what was it like being in my dad's squad?

Mm, the greatest.

This one time, we were on leave in Okinawa...

And I lost my toothbrush. Next story.

Hey, Hazel, did you know we used to call your dad Ankles?

How come?

Because wearing boots and socks

made his ankle hair stop growing and gave him lady feet.

Did you miss the girls?

All right, Hazel Jaan, where we going next?

Uh, Tastyberry Junction.

: Tasty J's. Tasty J's.

Why are we going there? It's for little kids.

I know, right? My dad loves it.

How was the parade?Not great.

I got stuck behind the horses.

Where are your shoes?

In a dumpster on 18th Street.

What's that?

Michael's stuff.

Thought I might open it today.

'Cause it's, uh, Veterans Day?

'Cause I thought the house would be empty.

Well, I have another parade in a couple hours.

I'll get out of your hair.

Thanks.

You mind if I grab a coffee first?

No.

Make one for me?

Irish?

Please.

This place is lame, huh?

I guess it's okay.

Want to play Skee-Ball?

Sure.

Great!

Mm. Where is that waitress?

These are supposed to be bottomless chips.

I can see the bottom.

Badger, you're rich now.

Why don't you buy the restaurant and fire her?

Hey, it's my wife's money.

I'm just the arm candy.

In my culture,

a man who lives off of his wife's money is only half a man.

Yeah, that's true here, too.

So, Todd, you still planning to be an umpire?

Nah, it's harder than you think.

They have a school and everything.

Oh, geez, I can see how that would be a barrier for you.

So, what's the new plan?

Take that career test the Marines give you on the way out?

Yeah, and guess what it said I'm qualified for.

Nothing?

: Close.

Crossing guard. Ooh.

Wait, birthday clown was already taken?

My shoulder still clicks.

I guess I could just get disability.

You know, sit on my ass, cash those checks.

Well...

if they decide you deserve the money, you deserve the money.

There's no shame in it.

Eat your burrito, Al.

It's an important point. Many people have

the misunderstanding that disability is...

Why don't you go check on the kids.

Ah, mm. Fine.

[rock music playing over speakers]

Maybe I should just marry rich like this guy.

I couldn't recommend it more.

Ah. I will leave you to it.

No, you can stay.

You sure?

: Yeah.

You know, sweetheart, I get it.

When your mom passed away, it took me months

to even look at her closet,

so don't feel bad-- And we're doing this.

From our second date, mini golf.

Boy, did he cheat.

Hole in one? I don't think so.

Hmm.

That's a lot of shot glasses.

He collected them.

Branson, Yellowstone,

Niagara Falls.

The Vatican.

This one was hard to find.

Oh, he was obsessed

: with Donny Hathaway.

Hmm.

His wings!

After flight school graduation, they had this fancy ceremony,

and then got wasted

and punched the pins into each other's chests.

: Idiots.

I'm proud of you.

Why?

You opened the box.

No tears.

Should I be more upset? No.

It means you're moving on.

Oh, my God, you think so?

Uh, uh... no, I don't.

I-I think you're still very sad.

No.

: I'm not.

I...

Yes. You're good.

I know.

You're up.

Are you growing a mustache?

Yeah.