A Series of Unfortunate Events

You probably shouldn't be here.

This is a secret passageway in a restricted area

about one third of the way through a dreadful and upsetting story.

My name is Lemony Snicket.

If you've been following the story as closely as some people have,

then you know that nobody should be here.

'Cause everything about the Baudelaires' situation

is horrible to contemplate.

Everything about the Baudelaires' situation

is delightful to contemplate, Mr. Tamerlane.

If you're interested in stories with a happy ending,

- you've come to the right place. - Mm-hmm.

Not only is there a happy ending, there's a happy beginning

and all sorts of happy things in the middle.

It's delightful and educational and it's appropriate for families,

a phrase here which means "delightful and educational..."

It features the three luckiest children, who are darling and precocious,

and have only cheerful things happen to them.

It's called A Pony Party, and I can't put it down, Mr. Tamerlane.

- - Poe, are you there?

- Focus, Poe. What about the Baudelaires? - Ah, yes, the Baudelaires.

- Put down the book. - I'll put this down.

Surely, as you recall, from the moment I told the Baudelaires

their parents perished in a terrible fire,

they've had exciting adventures in all sorts of exotic locales.

From a house full of snakes in the middle of nowhere,

to a lake full of leeches in the middle of hurricane season,

and for complicated reasons, a lumber mill.

It's unclear why none of the guardians worked out.

- -

The orphans are obsessed with the idea

that an actor named Count Olaf is obsessed with them,

but they can never agree on what he looks like.

I'm unstoppable!

I dropped them off at boarding school,

where they'll receive the best education a heavily reduced tuition can buy.

They're the second set of wealthy orphans I've enrolled there.

I'm sure there's no connection.

With the Baudelaires safe at Prufrock Preparatory School,

I can assure you this bank's troubles are finally over.

- Prufrock Preparatory School? - Yes, that's the name I just said.

- Jacquelyn? It's my secretary. - Poe?

She must be taking another unplanned sabbatical

she swears I've authorized.

What a moron.

Yes, it is hard to find good help, Mr. Tamerlane.

I feel like we've been sitting on this bench for months.

We've been waiting so long,

Sunny's starting to look less like a baby and more like a toddler.

We've been tormented by treachery and villainy.

- Child labor and leeches. - And now, a new school.

Well, the new school hasn't tormented us yet.

- - Hello, cake-sniffers!

- Hello, um... - "Um..."

Are you a blithering idiot? Everyone knows I'm Carmelita Spats.

I'm Violet Baudelaire, and these are my siblings Klaus and Sunny.

What does "cake-sniffer" mean?

It means you're stupid cake-sniffers,

but I'm the most special girl in the whole school.

I'm supposed to give you a tour.

This is Vice Principal Nero's office. He's a genius. He likes me best.

I don't have to wear a uniform 'cause I'm too adorable. Come on.

A school should be a safe place.

Brand new season to explore the mysteries around you.

Come on, cake-sniffers.

- I don't think it's a compliment. -

It should be a place to make new friends.

I feel like we've been sitting on this bench for months.

It should be a place of comfort and adventure that feels almost like home,

particularly if your actual home has been destroyed in a fire.

But as you and I know, school is hardly ever like that.

- People are looking at us. - Probably because we're new.

It's because your home was destroyed in a fire.

Like this classroom,

the lives of the Baudelaire orphans may appear to be more or less harmless.

But if you insist on watching,

you should know the motto of Prufrock Preparatory School.

Like many mottoes, it can be found on a variety of surfaces,

from a banner in the school auditorium,

- to the scoreboard of the athletic field. -

This is the athletic field. Our gym teacher's coaching an away game,

so I get to make people do jumping jacks whenever I want.

"Memento mori."

When you learn what it means,

you will understand why this story can have no happy ending,

the way no story has a happy ending.

What does "memento mori" mean?

Remember, you will die.

Larry, thank you for meeting me on such short notice.

That's a handsome wet suit.

I enjoy scuba diving in the off-season. What's the mission?

You take this to the Baudelaires.

It's been annotated with answers to all their questions.

They'll finally learn everything about our secret organization.

But only if you get it to them. You can find them at this location.

- Oh. - You've heard of Prufrock Preparatory?

I attended it.

This trip is more than a crucial mission for a secret organization.

- It's a homecoming. - Good luck with that.

Prufrock Preparatory School...

Well, well, well.

Remember, you will die.

When you die, you won't think of your family.

You won't think of your friends or your career,

or the way the land looks when sun sets behind the mountains.

You'll think of the day we beat another team at sports!

Prufrock! Prufrock! Prufrock!

- Prufrock! Prufrock! - There's somebody in the road.

Hi. Uh, my catering truck broke down,

and I need to get to Prufrock Preparatory School right away.

I see you brought something to read.

- I never travel without a book. - Nerd.

Now where were we? Right, the complete annihilation of...

We must've blown a tire.

I can fix it. I was Coach of the Year, Berlin, '39.

I'll be back.

Is that a hook?

It certainly is.

I'll take that back now.

What will happen to those members of the pep squad you threw off the bus?

- That gym teacher was crying. - So was the driver.

Ah. That touchy-feely nonsense would never have been tolerated

when I went to Prufrock Prep.

Oh, you attended Prufrock Preparatory? I'm impressed.

You should be. My IQ has been measured in the upper double digits.

This trip is more than just a chance to seize three children

and also their enormous fortune.

It's a homecoming.

I don't know what that building is. I never go in there.

It says, "library."

Only a cake-sniffer would notice something like that.

It's very clearly designated.

Oh! Hello. You must be the new students I've heard so much about.

The Baudelaires, right?

You shouldn't talk to the library lady, because she smells funny.

Carmelita, always a pleasure.

A library is an island in a vast sea of ignorance.

Particularly if that library is tall and the surrounding area has been flooded.

Let's go!

Well...

come visit.

- -

Here's Vice Principal Nero's office,

where you were supposed to be ten minutes ago. You're late.

Ahem.

- Ahem? - Ahem.

- Thank you? - Thank you's not enough.

It is traditional to give a special tour guide a tip at the end.

A tip?

Yes, a tip! Are you deaf and blind, cake-sniffer?

Who dares to interrupt a genius when he's rehearsing?

It's the Baudelaires. They're late for their appointment.

How dare you be late!

Thank you, Carmelita, for telling me. Oh, that's a nice broach, by the way.

- The original owner really liked it. - Oh.

Whoo!

What a lovely girl. Sweet as a butterscotch buttercup.

She has two living parents.

Well, come in. I don't have all afternoon.

How do you do?

When you hear an incredible performance,

it's tradition to clap and cheer and yell "Bravo!"

- Yay! - Mmm, bravo.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

And welcome, new students.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

My name is Vice Principal Nero, and my second-highest concern

is that you uphold the strict standards here at Prufrock.

What's your first-highest concern?

My career as a violinist.

I know all about you.

You've been to guardian after guardian, and adversity has always followed.

Adversity means "trouble," by the way.

In our case, adversity means Count Olaf. He was the cause of all our trouble.

Here at Prufrock Preparatory School,

there'll be no blaming your own weaknesses on this Count Olaf person.

This is an advanced computer system. Cost an arm and a leg.

But I had the AV club program it to recognize the hallmarks of Count Olaf.

One eyebrow, tattoo on ankle.

This is not Count Olaf.

We'll park it outside the school all semester,

and you'll be safe as peas.

I'm not sure an advanced computer will do us much good.

- Olaf is usually in disguise... - Oh, I shouldn't have bothered.