How I Met Your Mother

Marshall's almost here.

Yes! Look at us, hanging out again.

This is amazing. This is awesome!

- This is... (roaring) - (laughing): Okay.

- Just settle down, buddy. - No!

Settling down is for losers with kids who never go out anymore.

I am in charge tonight, and the earliest I am allowing anyone to go home is...

- 2:00 a.m. - 10:00 p.m. - 9:45.

3:00 a.m.

Guys, tonight is gonna be legen--

wait for it...

If I leave now, I could put the kids to bed.

- I'll get the check. - ...dary!

Legendary!

Guys, the gang is back! We're back!

All of us except for Robin.

We never see her anymore.

Okay, in addition to you guys not going home before 4:00 a.m.--

yes, it's up to 4:00 now-- new rule:

Anytime anyone talks about something sad,

we stay out an extra hour.

We said we'd always be there for the big moments.

- 5:00 a.m. - To be fair,

tonight's just us hanging out until 10:00 p.m., tops.

- It's not a big moment. Um, yes, it is.

Um, no, it's not.

- Um, yes, it is. - Um... no, it's not.

Um, yes, it is.

I got a phone call today.

A judge in Queens is retiring, so...

I'm gonna be a judge.

- (gasps) - (shouting)

Yes! Yes!

- (laughing) - Judge Eriksen!

- Yeah! - (chuckling) One more.

I told you the phone would ring. You deserve this.

Thanks, Lily.

- I love you, Marshmallow. Oh.

1:45 a.m.

Well, you were right, Barney, this night was, in fact,

- legendary, but... - I know what you're gonna say and I agree.

We're going to Vegas!

I will be awakened by screaming children in less than...

: Four-and-a-half hours.

You're staying. - I'm going.

Judge Fudge, your very first ruling?

- (deep voice): He stays. - Hey! See?

Tonight is about celebrating our enduring bond as friends.

Nay, family. Because that's what we are, Ted.

We are fa...

Okay, fun night, guys. Keep in touch.

Damn it, Barney.

: Crushing... windpipe.

You're lucky that's the only pipe I'm crushing.

- Aah! - That woman is half your age.

Haven't you changed, even a little?

No. I haven't.

Look, I know there was a time

when it seemed like I was capable of going the distance, but...

if it wasn't gonna happen with Robin,

then it's just not gonna happen with anyone.

I am never gonna be a guy who meets a girl

and, from the first time I see her, I'm just like,

"You are the love of my life.

"Everything I have and everything I am is yours forever."

- Really? - No, I'm just making a point. Move it along.

That's not me.

I'm the guy who straightens his tie, says something dirty,

high-fives himself and then goes and talks to that girl over there.

That's me.

Can I please... just be me?

Judge Fudge?

I'll allow it.

Then I'll a-plow it. Self-five.

Stinson out.

- (cheering) - Oh!

Hey, so are you guys ever gonna tie the knot or are you...

are you just comfortable living in sin?

Someone's gotten a bit...

- judge-y. - Oh!

- Sustained. Yeah.

We'll get around to it. It's just, you know, with life and jobs and kids.

Plus, this one's still insisting on getting married in a French castle.

I'd get married tomorrow in a White Castle,

but this guy needs more "wow factor."

You're all the wow factor I need.

Aw!

Glad someone can be happy on the day of a tragedy.

Aw, Barney, you know this is all fake, right?

That robot's not really dead.

I'm not talking about the robot, Lily. Everyone,

stop having fun! I'm about to tell a sad story!

Guys, remember back in 2010 when I achieved a perfect week?

Seven girls in seven nights, sure.

Well, recently, I decided to attempt...

a perfect month.

I put together a brand-new playbook.

No, I can't hear this. This is just too sad.

But I haven't gotten to the sad part yet.

You're in your 40s and you have a playbook.

That's the sad part.

Lily... just...

Okay?

So I put together a brand-new playbook,

filled with plays I'd never tried before, like...

...where, as in the '80s classic,

I magically come to life, if you know what I mean.

...where I wait till a girl mentions something she likes.

God, I love nachos.

Thank you.

Allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Jim,

Jim Nacho.

Inventor of the nacho.

So... did you get a perfect month?

Yes.

Then why are you so upset?

That last girl, number 31...

Oh, that's a pretty name. What is that, French?

...she's pregnant.

Wait, you're messing with us, right?

You didn't really get a girl pregnant?

It's real. She's pregnant.

Kinda puts an asterisk, on the whole perfect month thing, huh?

Barney, are you okay?

Ah, Jim Nantz.

Thank goodness. You're always here for me in times of trouble.

What should I do?

You're on your own this time, bro.

- Congratulations, Papa. - Stop it. This is a disaster.

- Why? - Why? Because I'm too old.

I was about to enter my golden years, my Clooney years,

my daddy issues years,

where I don't just remind messed-up girls of their dads

because I'm emotionally distant. I freaking look like their dads. That's the dream.

My life is over.

So where are you guys registered?

Another fun fact about the Goliath National Bank building,

the sleek but historical facade has been described

by Architecture Vision Monthly as "modern classicism."

- I can see that. - Mm-hmm.

- Any questions from the group? - I have a question.

What happened to the building that used to be here? It was way nicer.

Robin! Oh, my God!

What are you doing here? I thought you were in...

Greece, uh, Morocco, Moscow.

Yeah, World Wide News keeps me pretty busy.

And pretty famous.

- I mean, you're everywhere. - I am not everywhere. The...

Okay, I'm some places.

: Hi, Penny.

Oh, my gosh, I haven't seen you in forever.

- I like you, bus lady. - Oh, I like you, too.

Never call me that again.

And that was it.

- Wow. - Hm.

A genuine Scherbatsky sighting out in nature.

At this point, that's like seeing Sasquatch.

No, Sasquatch is a warm and affectionate creature.

At this point, Robin's more like the yeti-- cold and aloof.

Hey, Ted.

Ask me if the Abominable Snowman called.

- Has the Abominable Snowman called? - Not yeti.

Here we are again.

Another big moment for us, and Robin's missing it.

I know, baby.

I mean, the birth of her ex-husband's love child

is a bit of a stretch-- but I know, baby.

Well?

It was... crazy in there, but...

I threw up, and now I feel better.

- Where were you? - In the can.

I knew I was gonna urp, so I put this on over my suit.

Number 31 won't let me in the delivery room.

We're gonna need a name eventually.

Mr. Stinson?

- Yes? - Congratulations.

Congratulations because the blood test came back and I'm not the father?!

Happy Not a Father's Day!

No. Congratulations.

It's a girl.

Would you like to meet her?

- Nah, I'm good. I don't... - Oh, just go meet your daughter!

This is Ellie.

I'll give you guys a minute.

You are the love of my life.

Everything I have...

and everything I am...

...is yours.

Forever.

What?

Do I have stuff in my teeth?

Give me your engagement ring back.

Just because I have stuff in my teeth?

- We-we can work through this. - (laughs): Just give it back.

Five years is past the statute of limitations on proposals.

If you don't get married in that time, you have to re-propose.

- Will you... - Yes. Yes, you silly man.

Let me finish.

- Will you... - Yes! Sorry.