Family Ties

- Hey. - Hi, honey.

- Hey, Dad. - How was work?

Oh, another day, another dollar.

You know, Dad, yours is one of the few jobs

where that's literally true.

Maybe so, Alex, but today was no ordinary day.

On the way home, I, uh, noticed that Murphy's Bookstore

- was having a going-out-of-business sale. - Oh.

So I stopped off and I got a little something for everybody.

Oh.

Elyse, this is for you.

Cat in the Hat?

Oh, um, no. That's, uh... that's Andy's.

There's yours.

Oh. Gothic Architecture in Ancient Babylonia.

I'll take Cat in the Hat.

No way, Mom.

Mal, here you go.

Oh, God!

Oh, it's the new Shirley MacLaine autobiography...

There Must Be a Higher Power in the Universe

If I'm Making So Much Money Doing What I'm Doing.

Thanks, Dad.

Oh.

You're welcome. Jen, I thought you might enjoy this.

Trout Fishing in Canada.

Finally in paperback. Thanks.

Oh, no. They-they must have given me the wrong book.

I'll take care of that tomorrow, and Alex,

number one on the financial best seller list.

Hey, Dad.

Now Give Me Money, That's What I Want.

That's what I wa-a-a-a-ant.

That's what I want.

And best of all, I got this for myself.

Oh, The American Medical Association Medical Guide.

You feeling okay?

- Oh, I'm fine. Fine, Elyse. - Oh.

It's just, since the heart attack,

I've been more concerned about, uh, good health,

and this book has home remedies, uh, safety tips,

symptoms of all your major diseases.

Sounds like a real page-turner, Dad.

Oh, it is, Mal, it is.

Uh, now, for example, let's say you've been feeling

tired, irritated, frustrated, depressed.

You turn to the self-diagnosis chart,

and it tells you what you have.

Oh, teenagers.

Well, this teenager's about to drop from hunger

if we don't eat soon.

Well, honey, the alfalfa barnacle croquettes are ready.

Ah, darn it.

And I'm going out for dinner.

With whom?

With Paul Corman.

Oh, that's nice. I haven't seen him

since he graduated from Leland last year.

What's he doing now?

What's he doing now?

He happens to be an associate at Dunn and Bradley,

the biggest investment banking firm in Ohio.

Ooh.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mal.

I know that's not as impressive as most of your friends.

I mean, who could forget Shirley Applebaum,

the woman who invented neon support hose?

Hey.

- Alex. - Hey, Paul.

Hey, give me your coat.

- You know everybody, right? - Paul.

- Hey, Paul. - How are you?

- Hi, everybody. - So...

What's new in the market?

Well, I'm assuming you read Stimson's article

in the Journal today?

Oh, yeah. You know, I can't believe he's still carrying

that old Keynesian deficit spending

currency-infusion banner.

Actually I thought he did a good job

refuting Dawson's pseudo-supply side inversion theory.

Well, granted, Dawson's last essay was way too reminiscent

of Klemps' piece on the refinancing of third-world debt

through a suspension of the IMF loans.

At least it was better than Oppenheimer's piece.

Oh, God, did you read Oppenheimer's piece?

- That bit about the variable prime rates? - Prime rates.

Oh, stop it. Stop it.

Stop.

Whoa...

Oh, my God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

- I guess you had to be there. - Oh, God.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry, we must be boring the rest of you.

I did just have an out-of-body experience.

Oh, by the way, Alex.

Uh, Dunn and Bradley are looking to hire a new associate,

and I-I gave your résumé to the hiring committee,

and they want to meet with you sometime next week.

Well, I hope you don't mind.

Now, let me give you a complete tour of the place.

This is my desk.

- Hey... - Nice, isn't it?

Everything you need to make it in the business world.

Computer, fax machine, terminal,

Pepto-Bismol...

extra-strength Pepto-Bismol.

Industrial-strength Maalox.

And, hey, look at this.

Whoa.

That was when we, uh, co-won the Newman Award

for excellence in undergraduate economics.

We really had some good times, didn't we?

- Yup, I'll say. - Mm-hmm.

Yeah, remember the, uh, night of our high school prom?

We snuck down and we watched them load tens and 20s

into the automatic teller machine.

It's one of the most romantic nights of my life.

Good morning, Mr. Corman.

Uh, good morning, Ms. Daniels.

Ms. Foster is ready for Mr. Keaton now.

Okay, listen, Paul, uh,

no matter what happens in there, um...

I really want to thank you for setting up this interview.

Listen, you just go in there, knock 'em dead.

No, you listen to me.

I'm not gonna stand for this nonsense.

I won't be jerked around, you understand?

Either you come through for me, or you're out.

You can be replaced, you know.

All right. Say hello to Dad.

Alex Keaton.

I'm Jessica Foster. Good to meet you.

Good to meet you, Ms. Foster.

Alex Keaton.

Yes, I know.

- Please have a seat. - Yeah, thank you.

I agreed to see you today, Mr. Keaton,

because this is an outstanding résumé.

Fine school, excellent grades,

terrific recommendations.

I was particularly impressed

with this one from, uh, Richard Nixon.

Unfortunately that may not be enough.

I'm sorry, excuse me?

Every applicant who comes in that door went to a top school

and received straight As.

I'm looking for something special.

Something different.

Something... extraordinary.

I do a little juggling.

I'm quite serious, Mr. Keaton.

If you're not, perhaps we should just terminate this interview.

Ah, well, Ms. Foster,

look, uh, I-I understand exactly

what it is you're getting at

and, believe me, I can help you.

Really?

How exciting.

I can help you...

because not only do I have the basic training

and know-how necessary to structure a takeover merger,

supervise a leveraged buyout,

and-and make change blindfolded,

I also have what can't be taught.

A vibrant,

passionate,

almost life-threatening

love of money.

A killer instinct for cash.

A lust for traveler's checks.

Now, sure, everyone who comes through this door loves money.

But do they dream about it?

Do they fantasize about it?

Do they roll around naked in it?

I do.

Now, Ms. Foster, I'm sure

you're familiar with the saying

that the love of money is the root of all evil.

So what?

They're gonna have to do a lot better than that

to get me to stop loving money.

I mean, it is as fundamental to our lives

as-as food, air, and shelter.

Ms. Foster, you asked for something special.

I am something special.

I am something different.

I am something extraordinary.

I am money, hear me roar!

Elyse.

Would you feel my head?

Why?

I think I'm coming down with malaria.

Steven, that is the fourth disease

you've contracted since you got that book.

That's been... what?

Malaria, mumps, chicken pox,

and postpartum depression.

You look fine to me, Dad.

Well, excuse me, Mal, but I don't remember

seeing your medical degree around recently.