Head of the Family

Now you got to understand

Billy boy better play nice with the merchandise.

You tell him I'm going to weigh it on my own fucking scale.

You short me again, I'm going to break his other arm.

Sure, Howard, yeah, I'll tell him.

And you fuck up Weasel, I'm going to break your arm, too.

Howie, I know.

All right.

Now go on and get out of here.

Get.

Oh, Susie sometimes I feel like a big old turd in a small toilet.

Never makes you happy, honey.

And you, go easy on that ice cream, huh.

You're starting to get all poochy around the middle.

Geez Louise Howard, it's fucking ass milk.

Yeah, well it come out of a cow and it make you fat.

Give a shit what you call it.

Hey, here comes the Stackpools.

Groceries.

Hello Rey?

Rey!

Fill that out for the Stackpools, will you.

How are you doing, Ernestina?

You all go with Rey, he'll take care of you.

See you around, Ernestina.

That is without question the most fuckable young lady I ever

seen outside a magazine.

Hell, don't bother me, she's a retard.

Well, the way I hear it, the only way

to get Ernestina is go to her brother Otis.

You don't think I'd take on the big dummy?

Oh, hell no.

I just want to be around when you do it.

Yeah, I will.

Already got me a sweet little chicken

and you know how I feel about

What's that word? - Fucking?

No, watch your mouth,

the other one where you don't be sleeping around?

Fidelity?

Yeah, that's it.

Like on the high fi's...

high fidelity, yeah, that's what I go for.

What a man with a brain, pardon moi Howard but I'm going

to go to the ladies room.

And why don't you just talk up, let everybody know about it.

You see what I got to put up with.

Susie, watch the register.

I got to get some fries from the basement.

But we got plenty

Susie, don't mind the inventory, just watch the register.

Dammit, we ain't got no time for foreplay.

Smart woman.

See you soon, Ernestina,

one day, cupcake.

Say it, baby, say it.

Call me Scarlet.

Say it Scarlet.

You're 10 times the man Howard is.

And?

Howard's got a little dick, you're the real man.

He can't satisfy me.

And?

Oh, Howard's a pussy.

Yeah. Then why the hell did you married him, Lorretta?

Scarlet.

Scarlet, why did you do it, huh?

He's a wasn't he?

All right, well, now I'm baby.

Ride your little baby lance.

Whoa!

I've never known a woman who takes

so damn much time in the toilet.

I swear that woman's got a bladder the size of acorn.

Oh, Lorretta, come on.

Hey, Lorretta, you down there?

Shit, Howard's coming. - Oh, so am I.

Lorretta, you in there?

Lorretta, you down here or what?

Hey, Lorretta you down here?

Yeah, Howard

she's in the employee bathroom right in there.

Lorretta, are you in there?

What do you want?

What do you doing in there?

Toilet in the ladies room is busted, what do you think I'm doing?

Well, whatever you're doing, hurry it up, we got to go.

Okay, I'm out, you're happy now?

Yeah, just fucking overjoyed. Come on.

Lance, Lance,

Howard has to see you.

Howard

has to see you.

Well, what exactly did he say?

He said, "Go get Lance, bring him over here

and move your poochy buns."

Did he seem upset?

I can't say that he did but then he never does.

Oh, shoot.

Lance, it ain't that part at the back of the restaurant,

not much of a headstart if you get my drift.

Okay, Lorretta, okay.

We'll just play it cool.

Cool, right, cucumber.

Compress the bolt string while holding the front and flush.

Fuck off, friggin' bolt strings.

Well, Lance in the pants, Lance,

and look at this thing.

Try to save some money, it's a fucking waste

of man's time buying the thing in pieces.

You have to assemble it yourself, save a couple of seats.

Shit

Well, sit your ass down.

Right, sure, Howard.

Lance, you know what I've been thinking.

Well, I know Howard. I

Lorretta, what you doing standing there?

You serving tables around here? - No, I just wanted to

Wanted to do the park your mushy old butt down there next

to Laney so you got no cookies, have you Lance'?

No, not that I think.

Lance, I'm going to make this short and sweet.

Kind of like Lorretta here except she ain't so sure, really.

Okay, now Howard, I don't know what you've been hearing.

Hearing?

About what?

Nothing.

You don't know what I've been hearing about nothing?

What the hell are you talking about?

Not I mean, shit, Howard.

You know, I don't have a clue on what the hell I'm talking about.

And you know what I think, you need to take it easy.

You're looking poorly, ain't that right, Lorretta?

Yeah, looks like he's got the flu.

Flu?

What the fucking flu got to do with it, huh?

You need to get yourself out of here.

Go get yourself laid once in a blue moon.

Hell, you got no natural charm but

shit, even a little shrimp with that ratty,

old beard like yours can at least pay for it once in awhile.

And that's where I come in.

I'm sorry, what?

That's what I want to talk to you about.

And how much you make in this place?

Say in a week or something?

Well, I don't know, it kind of depends.

I figure about

A grand a week?

Huh, no, I don't have that much.

I bet you want to know why.

Why?

Because you spread yourself too thin.

That's why you're all pale and kind of sickly-ugly-looking.

But here I am, I'm going to save your skinny ass.

Oh, gee, Howard, actually

Oh Laney pantsy, what you need is partner, you know.

Someone to kind of ease a strain

and I look into diversify, you know what I mean?

It means

It means that I share the burden,

I'll be your partner, shared share alike.

You know, I guess you still have to be doing most

of the day to day stuff.

Partners.

Well sure, I mean I've been partner

up with businesses all over town.

I did jewelry down to hardware store,

Ben Buffle's Wash-O-Rama.

I'm becoming a regular

what's that word?

Shake-down artist?

Oh, Lorretta, if I didn't love that big old behind

of yours so much, I'd pack you on your worst fucking nightmare.

Entrepreneur is the fucking word,

entrepreneur.

So now I'm going to come here and bring my talents

to bear right here chopping stuff

and how is that for good news?

Actually, Howard

No, no, no need to thank me, it's my pleasure,

and don't worry about no paper work either.

Whenever you get it done, we just back date it to right now.

Hallelujah.

I see, just little what that word?

Brains?

No, persistence

I tell you something Lorretta,

you going to need serious attitude adjustment.

Sometime I envy the single white boy.

On the house, partner.

What you waiting on?

Fucking invitation from the Queen of England?

More like the Duke of the Dumb.

Come on chubby cheeks.

What are you looking at?

A grave waiting to be filled.

No, I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm talking about somebody plowing some Oates,

Lorretta Oates to be precise.