Friends

- Thanks for the tasty dinner. - You're welcome for a tasty dinner.

What are you guys looking at?

Ross and the most beautiful girl in the world.

Yeah, come to Papa!

I know!

Probably the only time I'll say this...

...but did you see the ass on her?

What did you? When did you?

How did you? How did you get a girl like that?

So what is she, like a spokesmodel? An aerobics instructor?

Actually, she's a paleontology doctoral candidate...

...specializing in the Cenozoic Era.

But that's, like, the easiest era.

I've seen her at work, but I always figured...

But, uh, I made her dinner.

We had a great time. And we're going out again tomorrow.

Maybe her friends are betting to see who gets the biggest geek.

Fine by me. Hope she wins.

Hey!

You have any wrapping paper?

Is it for my birthday present?

It was your birthday months ago.

You said you ordered something special and it just hadn't come yet.

I have a call in about that.

Oh. Okay.

It's for Kathy. It's an early copy of her favorite book.

Oh! The Velveteen Rabbit!

When the boy's love makes the rabbit real...

Don't touch it, because your fingers have destructive oils.

Then you'd better keep it away from Ross' hair.

This is pretty rare. How did you get that?

No big deal. I just went to some bookstores...

...talked to some dealers, called some of the author's grandchildren.

Honey, that's so sweet.

What a great way to say, "I secretly love you, roommate's girlfriend."

It doesn't say that.

Does it?

How will it look when you get her something incredibly meaningful...

...and expensive, and her boyfriend, Joey, gives her an orange?

I'll make sure Joey gets her something really great.

It's got to be better than that book.

Ooh! Like a crossbow!

Once again, I am sorry.

Thank you. Bye.

I had to turn down a job catering a funeral for 60 people.

Oh, my God! What happened?

Sixty guests.

Why'd you have to turn it down?

I don't have the money or equipment...

...to handle something that big on such short notice.

Wow, what is with all the negativity?

You sound like "Moni-can't," not "Moni-can"!

Moni-ca.

You've been playing around with this catering for years.

- Do you want to be a caterer? - I don't know.

There you go! That's the spirit!

If you need money, I will lend you money. Just get moving!

Really? I'd need $500 for all the food and supplies.

It's worth it if it'll get you moving. You haven't worked in months!

Neither have you.

Yes, but I'm doing this.

That would be great! Thank you.

- Hey! Hey!

Can I borrow your apartment keys?

Why?

You can pee here.

Ha-ha-ha. Yes, I can, of course. Excuse me.

It's okay. The duck's using our bathroom anyway.

What are you getting for her birthday?

We've been dating a couple weeks. I got to get her something?

Yes!

Yes! You have to get her something really nice.

- I know! - And not one of your coupons...

...for an hour of "Joey Love."

Ooh! A crossword! Can I help?

No!

Last week I got all but three answers...

...and I want to finish one without any help.

Fine.

But you can't help me develop my new universal language.

- Hey! - How'd it go?

Oh, my God! It was the best funeral ever!

Everyone loved the food.

I even got another funeral for tomorrow.

The dead guy from today's best friend.

It's like I am the official caterer for that accident.

Mon, I'm so happy for you!

Thanks. Check out my new catering stuff.

Look! I'm an omelet station!

- Omelet? Made to order? - Ha!

I'll have one, please. Plus my money.

Oh...

I didn't realize you needed it right away.

You told me to go and be a caterer. So I went. I be'd.

I used it to buy all this stuff.

I got another job tomorrow, so I'll pay you back then.

Oh! Okay. Sorry I acted like a bank.

Um, would you like to come in?

Did Homo erectus hunt with wooden tools?

According to recent findings.

Here, Mitzi! Here, Mitzi!

Uh, Mitzi is?

My hamster.

I hope she's okay. I haven't seen her in a while.

Have a seat.

Where?

Uh, oh! Do you, uh...?

Do you have any, um, Cinnamon Fruit Toasties?

- What? - Well, I do.

Let's go back to my place, light a couple candles...

...break open a box of Cinnamon Fruit Toasties?

- I'd rather not. - Oh, yeah? Why not?

Okay, um... Don't take this the wrong way...

...but your place kind of has a weird smell.

- Is everything in the car? - Did you settle the bill?

No. I hate this part.

Ooh! Oh! Look what we almost left!

- That's not mine. - Oh.

Ooh. Look what we almost took!

Excuse me, Ms. Burkart?

Well, we're all cleaned up.

Oh. Good. Thank you.

Um, ahem...

And, well, there's this small matter of the, um...

- Dear? - The matter of...

...payment.

Jack used to handle the finances.

You know what we should all do?

Go see a musical.

Sure.

You know which one?

The 1996 Tony Award winner.

Do you know the name of that one?

I don't know, um, Grease?

No.

Rent?

Yes! Rent!

So when do you want to go?

What? I'm sorry. I can't, I'm busy.

Hey...

Man, it is so hard to shop for girls. Ugh!

Yes, it is, at Office Max!

What did you get her?

A pen.

It's two gifts in one. It's a pen that's also a clock. Huh?

- Ha, ha. You can't give her that. - Why not?

She's not 11!

And it's not the seventh night of Chanukah.

What he means by that is, while this is a very nice gift...

...maybe it's not something a boyfriend gives.

Sure, it is.

She needs a pen for work.

She's writing. She turns it over. "Whoa! It's time for my date with Joey!"

All right. What did you get for Angela Del Veccio's birthday?

She didn't have one.

For three years?

Look, it's too late, and I got an audition.

I can't shop anymore.

I will go out and try to find something for her.

Thanks, man.

While you're at it, could you get her a card?

Would you like me to write her a little poem as well?

Or just get a card that has a poem already in it.

- Oh! You have to get our money. - She couldn't stop crying.

With those thick glasses, her tears look giant.

I know, it's tough.

You know what the first thing I did after my mom's funeral was?

- What? - Pay the caterer!

I've had a lot of jobs.

And there are some people who always try to get out of paying.

It's either "That massage wasn't long enough"...

...or "I don't know any of those songs"...

...or "These sombreros aren't big enough. Bad little white girl!"

Okay.

So you think she's faking?

There weren't any tears till you showed her the bill.