My Awkward Sexual Adventure

Rach!

Rach...

Good morning!

Surprise!

Breakfast in bed.

Oh, how sweet... the mango cut into little hearts!

Yup. And the moon apples and the smiley face. Bacon smiley face.

I'm not coming to Niagara Falls.

Not funny cause... you know how hard it was to get a jacuzzi room?

You know you have to book that way in advance

and they don't give a refund on the jacuzzi room.

Listen I'm... Jordan, I'm going through something and...

I think that I need to... that we need...

Okay, hold on. Wait! Just wait.

No! Hey hey hey! What are you doing?

Okay. This stuff is suppose to happen till tomorrow night...

- So I'm jumping the gun here. - No! Maybe no...

You... are the only girl that I ever wanted to be with.

Rachel Stern, will you marry me?

I can't spend the rest of my life

having sex with just you.

We're breaking up!

Okay, okay. So, Rach ...

Okay love, I can get better!

What? I can! I can get better.

You just... you just tell me what it is I'm doing wrong.

- I don't think that's a very good idea. - I can take it okay! Come on.

Yeah?

All right.

- You have bad breath. - Yeah, I can fix that.

You're sloppy kisser. You've no idea what to do with my breasts.

Sometimes I think you're actually trying to feed but you come way too fast.

- Your penis is just so ... - Okay, I'm good, thanks.

- So you don't have to. - ...to the side and then

you never go down on me. You refer to sex as gentle time.

You are terrified of going anywhere near my asshole.

- You won't consider a threesome. - Why would I want to have a threesome!

Why, so I can disappoint two people at the same time?

Well, it's a good point.

Okay, look, Rach. We can fix this, right. We can fix this thing.

I can read a book. No, I ... we can make some list.

We can fix this thing together as a team.

Okay, but there are so much that I haven't experienced.

And being with you this past year, I just... I need to get out there.

We both do. We tried. We really tried.

So I need to move on and...

- Hey I'm setting you free. - But I don't want to be free.

- I wanna be with you. - No, no! Just don't, don't.

No! No! Take your week off.

Oh, go to Toronto, stay with Dandak, have fun. Right?

When you get back, I'll move in with my sister and we can...

Okay, woah. No! Just hold on. Please.

Okay, alright. You made your point, okay, I hear you.

- I'm a crappy lover, okay? - Yup.

Alright, but look... I checked this in.

I got you the window seat which you love, okay. I'm in the aisle.

And you know, let's just go and talk about it on vacation.

Gary's totally overworked.

And you better get to it chop, chop

since you're decking out early for that lame-ass trip of yours.

- Yeah I know, Kelly, we... - What you gonna cry?

- Need a tissue? - No, I don't.

My God, you are crying. You are actually...

- Hey Mom. - Are you out of your mind?

- You waited years for her like a schmuck. - What did she say to you? That's not...

You think she can do better?

You should be proposing to that woman, not breaking up with her.

Woah. What...? No one's breaking up with any one, Mom. Okay.

In fact, we're meeting at the airport in like three hours

for a very special trip to a very...

I can't talk now. I'm working out.

This is the final boarding call for Flight 632 to Toronto.

All passengers must now get on board.

... paging Toronto passenger Jordan Abrams.

Jordan Abrams, please report to the gate.

I'm waiting for someone.

She's not coming.

- What is it, Jordan? - Hey, are you through security yet?

- No, I'm not coming. - Come on, you better hurry up honey.

- They're closing the gates here. - No. I am not coming okay.

We need some space right now.

Okay, you know what? I'm coming right home

and we'll just reschedule the flight for tomorrow.

No, no, no! You're not listening, Jordan.

I need this, I do. I'll see you in a week.

You strike me as a kind of... Hello!

You strike me as a kind of guy people need a break from.

You're smothering her.

Get on the plane.

There he is. Come here.

The next seven days you observe my every move,

study my every gesture and stay close to exactly as I say.

Watch, listen, be a sponge.

Life is a buffet, my friend. You probably said that like a million times.

- I don't think so. - Now, it's time for you to eat off the buffet.

Now what's to consider if you agreed. Shaved? I'm guessing not!

- That's alright, I have enough to... - I'm sorry, man.

I have no intention of being unfaithful to Rachel, okay.

Unfaithful? She dumped you, dude.

Oh, that's very nice. That's very compassionate and sensitive.

No, stop! That's not fair!

I've watched you pine for this girl since you were 12 years old.

It took you 24 years to convince her to give you a shot.

You took that shot. It didn't work out. I'm sorry about that.

But it's time for you to move on.

And as your sexual mentor, I need you to stay focused.

Excuse me. I'm sorry to bother you. First of all, beautiful boots!

Can I ask you a question? Is that alright?

My friend here, do we...? Do you find him attractive?

Yeah, he's not bad, maybe a seven.

- 7 out of 20? - No.

- Is that out of 10? Wow! - Yeah, dude.

I was gonna say 5 or 6, but you're in great shape.

- A 7 out of 10, for sure, right? - 7.

- For sure? - Yes!

Listen! We're throwing him a little shindig tonight. He's new in town.

Why don't you, your beautiful boots, some of your friends? Come on by.

Eightish, Apartment 4. What do you say?

- Sure. - Yes. Fantastic!

See, a little sexual confidence goes a long way.

- It's not genetics. It's not tricks. - Trust me on this man, okay.

I know Rachel better than she knows herself.

By tonight she will have called me,

by tomorrow she'll be on a plane here, alright.

There's still a chance, brother,

to take those shriveled little raisins you call testicles

and put them back where they belong inside your scrotum,

which, I reiterate must be clearly shorten.

It's common courtesy. Ladies expect it.

Oh, easy easy!

The less you struggle, the less it will pinch.

Hey, wait wait wait!

No! No ...

No, no, no!

Oh God! Be gentle, please!

Thank you Renaldo. Appreciate that. This is for you.

- Oh, for the love of God! Wait for me. - Very well.

Squeeze!

- What the fuck you doing right here? - I know, I know!

- Look look look look! - I'm...

I know! I just have a question first. I have a question.

What is the deal with half-naked dude serving drinks?

Right right. Yes, no...

He is here to make sure that you get laid.

Yes, women are all wrapped up thinking about some sexual nature and what not!

I don't understand how... why don't they just have sex with him?

- He's very good looking. - Herein lies the genius of my plans.

See, that gentleman enjoys the company of other gay gentlemen.

Alright, so women will have no choice but...

- Give me the phone, please. - No, enough, enough! Listen. No.

Not until you talk to one of these girls.

Alright, that's all I'm asking. For me. Baby stuff, talk okay. Listen.

I know you're nervous, but you're a solid 7.

- You're a solid 7. - Alright, alright.

Well so... if you could please direct me

to a lady with whom you're not having of course, I will talk to her.

Rush up. Not these two.

No, I've been inside that.

- There! Does bomb sex count? - No, that's fine.

- Okay, then the brunette. - Okay.

Just have bomb sex with the brunette.

- Hi! Hey. - Hi.

Hi ...

- I'm Tanya. - Tanya, Tanya...

- Jordan. - Hello.

- Pleasure to meet you, Tanya. - Hi.

So... what do you do?

- What do you do? - Excuse me?

What you... How do you gig? What is your gig?

I don't understand.

- Job. What do you do for work? - Real Estate?

Oh yeah? Real estate?

Homo... Home owner. I am a home owner.

- Oh! - It's cool, yeah. No, it's cool.

I mean it's... You know it's cute... clute...

- Coo... coo coo... - Are you okay?

I just... I really... I miss my girlfriend a lot.

- Excuse me. - Oh oh.

There, I talked, okay. Made an ass of myself with it.

Hey dude. Where are you going? What's with the costume?

Yeah, to ward off another one of this strange marriage candidates.

Oh my God, your parents are still setting you up.

Yes, very helpful in Hindu family GTA.

Sorry I got to step outside. You are in charge whilst I'm gone.

Oh, I just need to grab my phone of you for freedom.

You grab what now?

- Grab my phone. - Is that what you want?

Let me check something here. Let me see.

- As I suspected. Zero missed calls. - Okay.

Why the hell would she call you, dude?

Because ...

Because she is jealous. No, no, because she is jealous.

Do you remember last year I went to that convention in Calgary

and I posted that photo with that girl with a red head and chain all around me,

and Rachel got like weird and jealous and she called me like 15 times that night.

Do you remember that? You remember that?

No, why the hell would I remember that?

- God sake! Give me the phone. - Well, take it!

- I'm trying... - Why do I keep pointers. Exact same thing.

Hey, I don't think this is a funny game!