Love & Irony

I can't believe I won. I've never won anything. Ever.

Got a good eye.

No, that doesn't make any sense.

Nobody in my family has good eyes.

We have good hair, good teeth, but terrible eyes.

So you were raised by a pack of myopic wolves.

You know what, though? This is a sign.

I mean, I won this, so why can't I win

-this year's Stand Up Showdown? -If you expect to even qualify

for this year's Stand Up Showdown,

you're gonna have to deal with your issues with hecklers.

That was the old me. Now I'm a winner.

Really? Care to prove it?

-Where? Here? -Yes.

This is the perfect challenge.

And it is the purest form of your art.

Don't you think? You know what I mean?

It's like you and an audience of one.

One single guaranteed heckler.

-Plus, you love clowns. -Yeah.

All the world loves a clown.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

-How is everybody doing tonight? -Whoo!

How many folks out there in the audience

have ever been attacked by a shark?

Somebody call security. The fat lady's making a break.

Uh, well, I actually have been attacked by a shark.

A, uh... A hammerhead shark.

What, are you doing stand-up?

You stink! Loser! Pfft!

Nice hairdon't, chubby. What do they call that thing?

The lunatic fringe?

Oh, let me guess your weight. Over.

Oh, bring it on, missy.

I should've known you'd chuck it like a chick.

Ha! Ah, game over. That's on the list, Dodo.

Francis, put down the ball. That's on the list.

Okay. You win. That's twice in a day.

What did I win? I don't feel like I won anything.

Yeah. What's he won? What's the list?

-He's got a list. -Yeah, it's, uh...

It's my list of forbidden jokes.

They're not funny, they're just kind of familiar.

That's why they need to be retired,

ahem, from the canon, so...

First it's a list, now it's a canon.

"Chuck it like a chick"? What is that,

a variation of "throws like a girl"?

What does that even mean? That he throws like 3.5 billion

other people on the planet?

Is that a Dodo original? Did you write that one?

It's not even funny.

Just you've heard it a million times,

so you think that it is.

I mean, really, you can't be doing

other people's material, Dodo.

Not if you expect to be, you know, authentic.

Oh, Augie, did you hear that?

He used the "A" word, "authentic."

I got a little list of my own, pal.

It's a list of postmodern, pretentious morons

trying to be sincere and genuine.

Let me guess.

You're trying to live a life free of irony.

No, that's not me. I'm not doing that.

Actually, that's exactly what you're doing.

Almost word for word. Remember, you said it at--?

Guess what, halfwit. It doesn't work.

You think the unexamined life isn't worth living?

Oh, wait till you've examined it.

You'll know it isn't.

The minute you start to think you're being real, you're not.

You'll have to forgive me, Dodo.

You know, don't think that you're exactly qualified

to tell anybody about being authentic.

-Qualified? -Yeah.

I get a lot of thinking done up here.

And I've been having a couple thoughts about you.

You've got some simple yet noble job

that allows you to fritter away the days

coming up with these grand ideas.

Your friends are a menagerie of misfit toys

who couldn't get laid at a homeschool prom.

But you kind of like it that way

because it makes you feel just a little bit above it all.

And then there's the pitiful parade

of genuinely disappointing relationships

that always begin with the same, "Honey,

can we promise to be completely honest with each other?"

-But they never work. -Let's go.

Now, that's it. Now you're living in the moment, boys.

You want to feel authentic?

You gotta reach inside your own precious heart

for that one real chance to fall--

Yeah! Down goes Dodo. Down goes Dodo. Kid's still got, huh?

-Buddy, that wasn't you, okay? -You can't tell.

We were both throwing.

Who is he to tell me about being authentic?

You know, I'm starting to rethink clowns.

Yeah. You should.

Charlie, Charlie, Charlie.

What did we promise each other?

We promised to be completely honest.

And to be completely honest, this isn't working.

It's not me, it's you. You are passive.

You sit in that shop and wait for life

to stroll through the door.

Whereas I am aggressive.

I go out and I grab life by the throat.

And together, we are passive aggressive,

but not the good kind.

Oh, you know, searching for your true self is not a goal.

It's an excuse for being an emotional dilettante.

Fearing intimacy and avoiding commitment.

You know what's ironic? You work in a bike shop...

...and we've never taken a bike ride together.

You know what people say to me? They say to me, "Maizy,

you are the Rosetta Stone of relationships."

Because I can figure anyone out,

but I cannot decipher you.

And I have tried.

I know what you're going to say. You're going to say,

"Maizy, how does this end?"

And it ends like this.

Here.

And... now,

with me wishing you well.

I hope you find what you're looking for.

If not with me, then with someone else.

You need a haircut.

Meeting adjourned.

[customers chattering indistinctly]

There she is.

-Hey. - Hi. Oh...

Chloe.

-So, what's the big news? -Right, right, right.

-I'd like you to reconsider. - Rhys...

I already told you no.

That's... That's why I gave it back to you the first time.

You don't have to make your mind up straightaway.

Just keep it and decide later.

A lot can change over a summer. Especially a change of heart.

We already decided that this was over.

For good this time.

-You decided. -Mm-hmm.

Let's give it one more try. A year together in India.

Then we'll know for sure if it was meant to be.

Don't we already know that?

Do we? I don't think we do.

You know, uh, you can go ahead. I don't even know what I want.

Me neither. Although I always end up getting the same thing.

You know what? I'll have just a regular Joe and...

-whatever she wants. -Oh.

Uh, I'll have the same thing.

-My lucky day. -My lucky day.

Thanks.

- Joslyn. -Nope.

- Rodrigo. -Nope.

-Joslyn. -

Uh, in your e-mail, you said

that you would be wearing sandals.

-They're in the wash. -Okay.

You're Rodrigo?

Uh-huh.

Where's your sunglasses?

Table, my lady?

Sure.

Well, thanks for the coffee, Not Rodrigo.

Yeah. Nice to meet you, Not Joslyn.

- -So...

this is what you call an athletic build?

-I'm a bowler, honey. All right? -Hmm.

Maybe they'll invite us to the wedding?

Oh, you gonna have the steak or the chicken?

-Okay. That's pretty funny. -

-Yeah. -Bye.

Uh, yeah. Bye.

Huh?

-Huh? -Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

-Any messages? -Yeah.

-Uh, Maizy, Maizy, Maizy. -Yeah, Maizy's history.

Oh, and Ms. Van Der Jagt did call and said

there was some photographer coming by

who's gonna take pictures of the store,

so we're supposed to make it look nice.

Yes, I will clean that. But first...

tonight is the first round of qualifiers.

Come on, man, I thought we were gonna bottle the beer tonight.