Shanghai Knights

Boxers!

Not one step further.

The keeper of the lmperial Seal.

Just the man l was looking for.

A woman.

You Chinese are very progressive.

A gift from an old friend.

Wu Chow.

He wanted me to send his regards.

Father!

Father.

The seal. You must get it back.

l promise.

Give this... to your brother.

What are you reading?

Oh. "Roy O'Bannon vs. The Mummy."

lt's incredible.

Roy's just taken out the Mummy's entire army

of zombie confederate soldiers, and he only had one bullet.

That's impossible.

Oh, no, it's not.

Roy figured out the physics of the canyon

and then ricocheted a bullet off the canyon wall.

Nailed each zombie through the heart.

What about the Shanghai Kid?

He was captured and knocked out on page 10

while he was polishing Roy's pearl handles.

Don't you worry.

Roy's about to save him from becoming a human sacrifice.

Those stories are all lies.

No. See?

lt says right here on the back.

"Author Sage McCallister bases all his stories

on firsthand accounts."

Sorry, sheriff. No princess.

Every day you meet the noon stage.

Every day it's the same story.

She's not coming back.

Pei Pei's married to her work in San Francisco.

Modern woman.

Sheriff, you got a parcel.

Hey, maybe it's from her!

No. lt's from my sister in China.

l know.

l know. l must go.

Stay here and be a good horsey for the new sheriff.

Uh, sheriff, that stage is headed east.

lsn't China kind of west of here?

l'm not going to China. l'm going to New York.

Roy invested my money.

ls it true that he lives in a penthouse at the top of the Ritz

surrounded by dozens of beautiful women

at his every beck and call?

That's the old Roy.

He's married, settled down.

Trust me, he's changed.

So there we were. Completely outnumbered.

He didn't have to tell me we didn't stand a chance.

So l send the Shanghai Kid and the princess out the back.

Poor Shanghai Kid. He was so frightened.

He forgot to thank me for saving his life.

l'm used to that.

Now, l returned to the front, and l counted to three...

and l burst out of the mission.

Pearl handles blazing. Lead flying everywhere.

And not a single bullet touched me.

-No! -Yeah.

What happened to the emperor's gold?

Well, we divided it up.

l insisted on giving my share to the lndians.

The savages?

Please don't ever call those noble people savages.

lf being proud of your body

and wanting to ride around naked all day makes you a savage,

then, by God, you're drinking with a savage.

And that is what you call a French toast.

You are so sophisticated, Mr. O'Bannon.

Whoo!

Who's up for some more bubbly?

Reach for the sky, Roy.

Say that again.

Reach for the sky, Roy.

Chon Wang!

You sly son of a gun!

-Look at you! -Look at you!

-What brings you to New York? -My share of the gold.

Refresh my memory. What gold?

The emperor's gold.

Okay, now, that gold is in

what the Wall Street pros call a long-term investment.

We can't touch it because it's building.

l need it tonight.

You just got here. Let's celebrate.

No. l don't have time.

-You just got to the big city. -My father's been killed.

Chon, l'm...

You need the money to get back for the funeral?

No. l must go to England. The ship leaves tonight.

Your father died in England?

China. My sister followed the murderer to London.

Wait. Murderer. l'm a little bit mixed up.

Let me see if l can get the facts straight.

You have a sister? You never told me you had a sister.

ls she pretty or does she look like you? Be honest.

Roy, l need my money!

l don't like that tone of voice.

You think after all we've been through l'd stiff you?

l'm doing pretty well for myself.

Yeah.

-l'm sorry, Roy. -That's okay.

You're going through a really tough time right now.

You got to be more trusting of people, okay?

Look at me. lt's Roy.

The couple at table 5 is ready to order.

Do you work here?

No, l don't work here.

lt looks like these guys are wearing a similar jacket.

Roy, here's your cut of the tips.

lt's the craziest thing.

l guess because l come in here so much

they're mistaking me for a waiter.

-lt's embarrassing. -You lost the gold.

-Not all of it. -Where's the rest?

l have one word for you. Zeppelin.

l need my money now!

Easy, easy.

Will you do anything for this money?

Yes. l must leave tonight.

Okay. Take this key.

Go to the room. Get cleaned up.

Your old pal Roy's got a plan.

Go! Come on!

Howdy, big boy.

What?

There's a woman in there! She wants me to sleep with her.

Of course she does.

l told her the Great Wall ain't the only big thing

coming out of China.

-Why did you say that? -So you could get the money.

l will not sleep with women for money!

Why?

l'm gonna sleep with her for money.

Chon, just go in there and do your business

and think about your sister in England.

-What? -Roy!

-Duty calls. -Roy!

Good evening, Mr. Mayor.

Where are they?

Who?

My daughters.

10th floor.

Roy? Roy, you got trouble.

Roy!

l got to check on something. l'll be right back.

Chon, new plan. We got to go.

Chon, what are you doing?!

l'm fixing her back.

Put her down, you decadent Philistine.

Hey, Chon, come on! Let's go!

-Bye-bye. -Bye.

Come on!

l don't understand. What's going on?

l don't have time to explain.

All you have to know is there are bad men after us...

but l'm in the right.

-Roy. -You gotta trust me on this.

Okay, look.

l'm in a transitional phase in my life.

-But... -But what?

You want to know the truth?

l'm a little lost right now.

l see you. You've got a sense of purpose.

But look at me. l'm a 30-year-old waiter/gigolo.

Where's the future in that?

So what's the plan?

You were always my compass, Chon.

The plan. You ask me the right questions.

The plan?

The plan, l think, is to find the right woman.

Raise a lot of children and teach them values.

No, Roy. The plan to get out of here.

Okay, the plan. Here we go.

-Cops! Cops! -They can help us.

No, no. Chon, not these cops.

These are dirty cops. They take advantage of people.

Now, if they stop us, remember, l'm not Roy O'Bannon.

Who are you?

l'm your friend Smoky Desperado from the West.

And who am l?

You. You're Benihana.

-Benihana. -Yeah.

You teach crippled children yoga here in the city.

-You go first. -No! Why me?

Because you blend in, okay?

Now, go! Don't let them see you!

Benihana.

Hey! Hey!

Chon!

Come on. Stop wasting time.

You!