Glee

Finn got Kurt to try out

for the football team, which was super cool, but sometimes

it seems like maybe Kurt's sort of got a crush on him.

It's enough to want to give up women all together.

Will's old crush, April, joined the Glee Club,

but she was drunk all the time, so Will kicked her out.

Also, Sue convinced Kurt and Mercedes that they should join

the Cheerios!, which Will was none too happy about.

And that's what you missed on... # Glee! #

Ladies, what we have here is a grade-A dilemma.

Mercedes, your vocal chords

have had more fantastic runs than a Kenyan track team,

but that look simply will not do.

At first, I thought it was

a subtle homage to yours truly,

but now I fear it's some sort of ironic comment.

Ms. Sylvester, I'm just not comfortable

in those Cheerios! skirts.

They don't fit me right.

Mercedes, you shouldn't feel embarrassed about your body.

Embarrassed?

No, no. I'm worried about showing too much skin

and causing a sex riot.

How do you two not have a show on Bravo?

Here's the skinny: Splitts! magazine,

after much campaigning by one Sue Sylvester,

has named me #Cheerleading Coach of the Last Two Thousand Years.#

In seven days, reporter Tracey Pendergrass

will arrive on campus,

and my new star singer will have lost ten pounds,

and be in a gende r-appropriate cheerleading uniform,

or she is off the team.

Ten pounds?

Are you serious? You could stand

to lose a few, too, kiddo.

You got hips like a pear.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have

to put in a call to the Ohio Secretary of State,

notifying them I will no longer be carrying photo I.D.

You know why?

People should know who I am.

Sue! We need to talk.

The auditorium is padlocked!

Well, that's curious.

- Did you check the sign-up sheet? - What sign-up sheet?

Why, the one I keep right here in my waistband,

William. Let's see.

Yeah, I've got the entire week booked solid.

Got a big magazine feature coming up.

It's a little chilly for my girls to be practicing outdoors.

Yeah? Well, let's see what Figgins has to say about this.

Oh, I'm sure Figgins will just mumble something nervously

and then pretend to take a phone call.

I happen to be blackmailing him.

Um, all right, I have one final announcement

before we all leave.

We can't use the auditorium for the next week.

But that's garbage. How are we supposed to practice

for Regionals without the auditorium?

The Cheerios! need it to practice in.

There's nothing I can do.

I recommend a sit-in.

I recommend we torch the place.

No. Look, we've all faced adversity before,

and we've come out stronger on the other end.

I'm going to check out a few of f-site locations for us

to use, just for the week.

I promise I'll find us a new home.

Have good day, guys.

Oh, Finn, I wanted your opinion on this.

It's a swatch board.

I'm redecorating my bedroom.

Kind of going for a hunting lodge

meets Tom Ford's place in Bel Air.

I was hoping you could help me out

with the hunting lodge part.

I live in a closet.

There's cowboy wallpaper on the walls.

Oh...

But I guess that one's nice.

Toile?

I always pegged you as a chinoiserie type.

Mercedes...

This is healthy!

Chicken breast and a salad, dressing on the side.

You have a week to lose ten pounds.

That's like having to lose one of my butt cheeks.

Look at what I'm eating-- peeled celery.

And for breakfast, I had Splenda.

Look, Mercedes, now that we're cheerleaders,

we're finally part of the in crowd.

We have a place at the table.

We don't have to beg undneath for scraps of attention.

Don't screw it up.

I'm pretty sure my cat's been reading my diary.

Hey, guys. Can I ask you something?

How do you manage to stay so skinny?

The Sue Sylvester Master Cleanse.

Water, maple syrup for glucose,

lemon for acid, cayenne pepper to irritate the bowels,

and a dash of ipecac, a vomiting agent.

I haven't had a solid meal since 1987.

Sometimes I add a teaspoon of sand.

That can't be healthy. Who cares?

You can either feel terrible and look great,

or get kicked off the team when that reporter gets here.

Why are you so upset?

It's not your bed.

Don't you have any feelings about it?

It's your and dad's honeymoon set.

I was conceived in that bed.

You were conceived on a pinball machine.

Well... I think that's everything.

You mentioned something about the recliner?

Oh, yeah.

It doesn't look like much, but the parts all work.

Ooh, my wife would love this.

Sciatica.

Mom, no!

It's not for sale.

This is Dad's chair.

This is the only picture of the two of us.

It's the only picture there will

ever be of the two of us, and he's sitting in this chair.

It's a chair, honey. It's not him.

What's going on with you?

You're selling all our old stuff,

you got new clothes, a new haircut...

I'm seeing someone, Finn. Um...

I think I'm in love.

Who is it?

Uh, do I know him?

It's your friend Kurt's father--

Burt Hummel.

Hey. I'd like to talk to someone about renting out this space.

Okay, fellas, grab a gal, or...

grab another fella if that's the way the Good Lord made ya!

'Cause it's a couples skate!

No way.

# #

Well, as I live and breathe!

Will Schuester?!

I just had a sex dream

about you! Aw, isn't he smokin'?

April. April, please stop speaking into the mic.

Wait... I smell something.

What?

I smell a duet coming on! #Fire!#

Springsteen! Hit it!

April, what is going on here?

You own this place?

# I'm ridin' in your car #

# You turn on the radio #

# You're pullin' me close #

# I just say no #

# I say I don't like it #

# But you know I'm a liar #

# 'Cause when we kiss #

# Ooh... fire #

# Late at night #

# Ooh #

# You're takin' me home #

# You say you wanna stay #

# I wanna stay #

# I say #

# I wanna be alone #

# I say I don't love you #

# But you know I'm a liar #

# 'Cause when we kiss #

# Ooh, fire #

# Romeo and Juliet #

# Samson and Delilah #

# Oh, baby, you can bet #

# A love they couldn't deny #

# My words, they say split #

# Yeah #

# But my words may lie #

# May lie #

# 'Cause when we kiss #

# Ooh, fire. #

April, what happened?

I mean, last time I saw you,

you were getting cleaned up, headed off to Branson.

I know. It's crazy, right?

I was so jazzed about sobering up

and starting a new life,

I had to stop at a bar to get a drink just to calm down.

Then I hung out at that bar for a few months or so.

One day, an old codger, about 75, 80, came in,

and asked to buy me a drink.

Get this.

Buddy Leibowitz.

Of Leibowitz Strip Malls? I'm his new mistress.

April, I really thought you were serious about getting sober.

No. Don't look so disappointed, Will.

I mean, who are we kidding really?

I'm nothing but a washed-up dreamer.

It's all I'll ever be.

Besides, I've finally realized

my lifelong ambition of being a mistress