Operation Taco Gary's

- - Man: Breaking news.

Actor Jason Biggs of American Pie fame was found dead

- in his Wind River home. -

- Woman: The event brings this year's celebrity death toll

to 27 after Pope Francis's heart explosion last week.

- - Man: His estate wants

to remind the world that Jason Biggs was a good guy

and we should all be very,

- very sad. -

- Woman: Authorities aren't ruling out foul play.

Ah.

Get fucked, Biggs!

- -

- Man: So, 35? Do we have a deal?

Okay. You got me.

Twenty-five.

You drive a hard bargain.

- Luke, how much for this?

Oh. For you, Jake,

absolutely free.

Take it. It's yours.

- No kidding? - No kidding.

- You know, a toaster like this would probably get you $27.

I doubt that.

- It's a very nice thing. Uh...

I think I'll put it on my desk next to my computer.

I came by to-- to give you a little going away advice.

You need to change the password on your Wi-Fi

and the majority of your streaming accounts.

- What do you mean? - Type in some extra numbers

or some big letters. Those go a long way.

- Jake, are you saying you've been using my Wi-Fi?

Is that why Google keeps recommending

- different ketamine clinics? - I'm just saying

I don't want people in your new building

to take advantage of you the way...

some people might have been taking advantage of you here.

Thanks, Jake.

You're a good guy, Luke.

You deserve better.

Okay.

Oh, hey, Janet.

- Respectfully, Janet, I really think

that we should just try it my way.

- We're really going miss you around here, Luke,

and not just your Wi-Fi and your streaming services.

You're like family.

- Were my passwords that easy to figure out?

- Uh, where you headed now?

- Ottawa, Canada. Watch your finger.

- Ottawa. Uh, you got family up there or something?

- No. No. The only family I have left is an older brother,

but I haven't heard from him in years.

In fact, I actually don't even know if he's dead or alive.

- Oh, well, that's dreadful,

because, uh, family is the most important thing there is.

Family sticks together, no matter what.

Uh. What was that?

What was what?

- The random family sentiment you just read out loud,

what was that about?

Uh, I gotta go.

Clinton...

- Jake: How much you want for this?

It's beautiful.

- What the hell? This isn't mine.

- Who put this here? - You did.

- No. Why would I have a painting

of the pope eating tacos with Big Foot?

I mean, I'm basically Jewish, for Christ's sake.

- Man: That's a lie.

I've seen his penis.

The man you know as Luke is not circumcised.

Quite the opposite. He possesses a generous amount of foreskin,

making his dick look like the head of a baby elephant.

- What? Who-- Who are you? What is happening?

Geez Louise.

Ow!

Danny!

- Bring it in. - Danny!

- Huh? Ow! Ow! Ow! - Oh, oh God, God, God!

I'm sorry! I'm sorry! What happened? Are you okay?

Yeah, it's nothing, really.

You should've seen the other guy.

- Yeah? - Oh, yeah.

He was driving the sickest Mercedes when he plowed into me.

Okay. That looks really bad.

- Oh, and that painting is from me. Hmm?

- Oh! - You like it?

Yeah, man.

One more hug? Soft?

Wow, man.

Mmm.

Mm.

- So, how's life living off-grid all this time?

- It's fine, until the grid got bigger.

After a while, it became like

one of Todd Simmons's famous nosebleeds.

Yeah.

Wait. Who's--

- So, what's with the moving sale?

You moving somewhere?

- Ah, very perceptive of you.

Yeah. Yeah. No.

I'm, uh, heading up to Ottawa, Canada.

- Ottawa? What do you got a girlfriend up there

- or something? - Luke: No.

- Yeah, you do. - No.

- You have a girlfriend in Canada. Eh-eh.

- I wish. No. - Yeah. You gotta go all

the way up there to get laid, because you can't get laid here.

- Danny, Danny, no. - Sorry.

- No. I-- I am driving up today

to start at the new paleontology research center.

What, today, today?

Luke: Yeah.

- You can't leave today. - Why not?

- Well, because I'm here now. I want to hang out.

- Yeah, but I-- I start on Monday.

Ah, fuck muffin.

I was really hoping to spend some time together

before I start my new job in Tucson next week.

- Hey, man. Why don't you come with me?

- Really? - Yeah.

- You wouldn't mind? - No. I-- I--

I've wanted to spend time with you, too.

Wow. I'm impressed, Luke.

You really do have faith in your fellow man.

It's like Todd Simmons said,

"Faith is all about taking that initial step

without first checking for scorpions."

Yeah.

Who is this Todd Simmons guy?

So, tell me about the job in Ottawa, huh?

- You happy with it? - Oh, beyond happy, man.

It's like, for the first time in my life,

everything's finally making sense, you know?

- And that's a good thing?

- Yeah, of course it is.

I get to go on real digs with real paleontologists,

and you know what we're doing on my very first day?

- How would I know that? - We're gonna go to a dig site

where they've already found a brand-new species

of cretaceous-era theropod,

and they've already given her a name, too: Snommisddot.

- Snommisddot. - Yeah.

Apparently, she's massive.

And her femur bone

is exactly five foot, 10 and a half inches long,

which is my precise height,

which is weird and neat, right?

- Yeah. I'm just happy you're happy.

- Yeah. - Just don't freak out

when you learn what actually killed the dinosaurs.

- - What do you mean?

No. Uh, it's too soon.

I'm sorry. I'm just going to shut up now, okay?

No. No.

What do you think killed the dinosaurs, Danny?

- Well, it wasn't a fucking meteor.

I'll tell you that.

What?

Just so you know,

I-- I don't actually care that-- that you believe

in all this conspiracy theory stuff.

It honestly doesn't even bother me.

Conspiracy theory stuff?

Just so you know, all science is theory until proven otherwise.

Did you know that Galileo was once considered

- a conspiracy theorist? - Okay, but just so you know,

even if, somehow, one of your crazy conspiracy theories

just happened to be proven true, nobody would believe you,

because you think everything is part