Being Human

Nina was the love of my life, and now she's gone.

And under the circumstances, I really feel like I could have done

with a bit more support from you.

I'm sorry, I had a lot on.

Long live the king!

Long live the king!

Long live the king! Long live the king!

Increase the pressure.

Help!

Turn it off!

Hello, Nina.

Oh, my God.

- 'Now Saul, get her through the door.' - It's not my door!

You know, God loves you very much.

Isn't that right, Professor Jaggat?

Yes, Nina.

He loves you so much.

That doesn't make any sense.

Unless, of course, neither of them are the father.

You naughty girl.

Professor Jaggat.

Ah. Reinforcements!

Kemp.

OK, Kemp,

so we have the contested father DNA samples, all in date order.

Erm, centrifuge, PCR, sequencer.

I take it you're familiar with the process?

No.

I'm not here about a job.

I'm here about those wonderful papers you wrote last year.

Oh... Great!

Your theory of a gene that could be the cause of all evil

was a revelation.

Those papers were merely speculative.

An intellectual exercise, that some people...

Really? So you don't mean a word of it?

I'm sorry, but who are you?

- Last week you received a sample of blood, yes? - Yeah, we get a lot of those here.

This one you'd remember. You ran it through your machines

and the readings made no sense.

You would have checked it several times,

and then perhaps blamed your machine.

What was it?

Evil.

Think it over.

And if you wish to learn more,

give me a ring.

That looks boring, like a bill.

Ooh, a package.

Huh, wonder what that is.

Annie, by the way. I'm dead.

Arriving at scene of incident now.

He's not been dead long. Probably an OD, he was a known user.

I'll check for drugs and ID.

'Do you need SOCA? Over.' - No, nothing suspicious.

Just an ambulance, looks like an overdose. Over.

'Any ID, over?'

- Just a sec. We're looking now. - Are you OK?

- Male, mid-30s... - Do you understand

what has just happened to you?

They told me to wait for you.

No! No!

Please, no!

No! No!

- No! Please! - Come here, Annie.

It's OK.

Hang on there!

Good morning.

- Good morning, Mitchell. - You're up early.

I'm making sausages. D'you want some?

- No, you're fine. - Oh...

Are you OK after yesterday?

- Oh, yeah, today's a new day. - I just mean after the call...

Nina has opened my eyes.

It's like she's helped me finally figure it out.

I've had an epiphany, Mitchell, a breakthrough.

I am making...

..a list!

- A list? - Lists solve everything.

You put the thing on a list, you do the thing and then you tick it off.

And in that way, order is achieved.

And the world becomes... a better place.

Are you sure you're OK?

No, this isn't the other side.

Yes, I did save you from the door.

And yes, I'm dead too.

Sykes. Pleased to meet you.

- You closed the door? - A thank you would be nice.

Thank you.

- How did you do that? - Extremely well.

Anyway. It's gone now, you're in one piece,

I'm in one piece, so I'll say cheerio.

Cheerio.

Wait, no! You have to show me how to do that.

It keeps happening to me, you see?

I'm sure it does.

Please? Please, you have to help me.

I don't have to do anything of the sort.

Look, there's no automatic bond between us.

You're not my responsibility. We're just ghosts, love.

Flotsam and jetsam.

This whole time, I haven't really wanted

to think about what happens to me once a month, during my hairy times.

But as of now, I am facing it.

So, what happens to me?

You turn into a werewolf.

Uh-huh. Yeah. And what's a werewolf?

- A big scary animal. - Exactamondo, Mitchell.

The key word is animal. And what do you do with a big scary animal?

You put it in a cage.

Thus, I am going to buy a cage. See?

This is on my list.

"Buy a cage".

- Yeah, a very strong cage. - Well, that's granted.

But here's the thing.

I've been treating this whole wolf thing like this big life-changing thing.

Running around, doing jobs a monkey could do. But what is it really?

Really, when you think about it? It's one night a month. That's all.

There is no reason for me not to live

a long, normal, full life the rest of the time.

- And that's what I'm going to do. - Is that on your list, too?

Yes, in a manner of speaking it is, Mitchell, yes, it is.

See? Number two. "Get a better job".

I mean, I speak a ridiculous amount of languages.

I have an IQ of 156, for God's sake.

Surely I can get a job that doesn't insult my intelligence.

- Erm, no offence. - Yeah, well,

us thickies at the hospital are really gonna miss you, man.

- I'll haunt you. - You can't haunt another ghost.

- Well, I'll give it a damn good go. - There's nothing I can do for you.

Fighting the men behind the door is grown-up stuff.

You're outmanned and outgunned.

Grown-up stuff? You're about nine.

I died when I was 23. In ghost years, I'm 89.

Oh, great, so you're senile.

Look, look...

If you don't help me, then sooner or later they're gonna get me.

Please? Please, I'm asking you, I don't know what else to do.

You've resisted death's door three times.

How could you know that?

Oh, please, it's written all over your aura.

Which I could teach you to read.

- You can read auras? - Maybe.

Well, show me how to do that at least.

I mean, that's not like teaching. That's more like a magic trick.

Yeah?

- What's all this? - It's traditional.

Boss gets first drink.

What part of "no blood" did you not understand?

No, no, no. This is different.

She wants to be fed on.

- Excuse me? - We found her online.

On an emo message board. There are dozens of 'em.

They talk about vampires and there's all this bonkers self-harm stuff.

It gets really dark. Anyway, they love the idea of being drunk from.

It's a kind of groupie thing. Isn't that better?

No, Campbell, it's not better. Get her out of here, will you?

Sorry.

She says, can she have her bus fare home, then?

For fuck's sake! Here, there you go.

Morning!

Well, that was a very creative reinterpretation of the rules.

There aren't rules.

- There's one rule. - Oh, yeah...

Well, that's addicts for you. Always looking for little loopholes.

There's an alcoholic I knew once.

Dry for years, never missed a meeting.

Then he tried to convince himself that Advocaat wasn't proper booze.

He died. Cholesterol poisoning in the end.

What? Is there something on my face?

What is it, food?

About four feet across.

And lockable, obviously.

What kind of animal is it for?

Erm...different types.

Well, I need to know for the gaps in the bars, you see.

Oh. Of course.

- Let's say a very big dog. - About the size of a man?

- What? - It's OK. Relax.

We get a lot of business from the S&M community. Not a problem.

I've even dabbled a bit myself.

Oh, oh...a cage for sex. That's embarrassing.

I was obviously embarrassed to say that I wanted a sex cage.

But now that that's out in the open, th-that's wonderful.

- Now, where are they? - What's this?

Last job I did, they sent me these, as a kind of thank you.

I'll throw them in.

No charge.

Oh, that would be lovely.

Yes. Thank you.

- Cheerio. - Goodbye.

Unbelievable. Tell me, is there anybody left in Bristol

who can have a shag without being tied up first?

- What? - I've had two tradesmen

think that I'm a pervert today. Two.

And the last one, apparently he soundproofs dungeons all the time.

Well, better they think you're a nonce than a werewolf, surely.

I'm sorry. Who are you?

His name's Sykes.

He's dead.