How I Met Your Mother

- Hi. - Hi.

Okay.

So I thought we'd... try this new restaurant.

It's right around the corner from here. It's Scottish-Mexican fusion.

- Scottish-Mexican fusion? - Scottish-Mexican fusion.

That would seem like two things that do not fuse.

Perhaps you'll change your mind when you try their signature haggis enchiladas.

- Okay. Lead the way. - All right. Yeah, come on.

I was surprised when you called.

Isn't there some universal guy rule

where you have to wait four days to call a girl?

That... does not ring a bell.

And it's three days.

Here we are.

Uh, I did not realize there would be live music.

So, uh, should we...

Eat anywhere but here?

- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah. Yeah.

Besides, I'm sure we can find a place where we don't need reservations.

Oh, you think it's just that easy?

Just stroll in off the street and get a meal?

Well, let me tell you the tale of Gary Blauman.

- There's the blushing bride! - Oh!

- Gary Blauman! - How are you?!

Uh, duh, like I need to ask. You're getting married.

Well, don't let me keep you. You have things to do.

I will see you walking down the aisle.

I'll be the guy in the eighth row going like this.

- Right?! - Right.

- Good luck today! - Thank you.

Okay.

- Hey, there's the blushing bride... - Code red!

== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God,

- oh, my God! - Why the code red?

I mean, if it's... if it's about your hair,

I didn't even notice; Especially not from the back.

- What? - Nothing.

Gary Blauman is here, and I had no idea he was coming.

His reply card must've gotten lost in the mail.

I mean, where's he gonna sit?

- It took us weeks to plan the seating chart! - Robin.

Shh.

- I got you. - Huh?

You're talking to the seating chart master.

At my own wedding, I managed to sit small-town Minnesotans

right next to liberal New Yorkers with grace and aplomb.

Table 27 still gets together once a year for a reunion.

Perhaps you've seen their photos on Facebook.

Like I said...

I got you.

Thanks, Marshall.

Code red!

Grandma's sitting next to the band,

divorced couple sitting one table away from each other,

no coherent singles table.

This is the Robin's hair of seating charts.

Singles tables are cruel.

I mean, what if you went to a wedding and there was a table of all fat guys?

- That would be awesome. - You're right, it would.

Let's crack this Gary Blauman nut first, and then we'll work on the fat guy table.

Wait, did you say Gary Blauman?

- Yeah. Why? - I...

hate... that guy.

Why?

Remember a few years ago when I read that biography of Teddy Roosevelt?

For weeks after I read it, I only wanted to talk about one thing.

Teddy Roosevelt was the coolest guy ever!

Oh, that's it!

No more books, Ted.

I don't like the person you become when you read books.

Here's the deal: You get to tell us one more

interesting fact about Teddy Roosevelt.

One more, and then you're done forever.

- So make it a good one. - Okay.

He went blind in one eye...

from getting hit too hard in a boxing match...

...while he was president!

- That's a pretty good one. - Wow. That is kind of...

Right?! Oh, and when he was at Harvard...

- No! No! - Shut up! - Oh, my God! Please!

Well, one night, we were throwing a party to celebrate...

something-- I-I can't remember what--

when a pretty girl I had never met

noticed the book on the coffee table.

I can't believe you have this book.

I just finished reading it. Teddy Roosevelt was the coolest guy ever.

A unicorn.

I couldn't believe it. It was a stroke of luck on par

with the 50-page manuscript in Roosevelt's breast pocket

that helped slow that would-be assassin's bullet.

- Dude, come on. - Sorry. Anyway...

enter Gary Blauman.

Is that the Teddy Roosevelt biography?

- Coolest guy ever. - Right? Right?

Right? Right?

- Right? Right? - Right?

So the three of us started talking Teddy Roosevelt.

When he took that four-minute flight on the Wright brother's plane?

So cool.

The time he climbed the tallest mountain in Europe on his honeymoon.

So cool.

And that's when I realized,

Blauman and I were locked in a battle of wills

that made T.R.'s charge up San Juan Hill look like a walk in the park.

Or should I say, in the national park, since it was Roosevelt

who spearheaded the establishment...

Dude, come on. I gave you one.

The battle raged on.

In a way, he was...

...the archetype of the modern politician!

- Dude, knock it off. - Knock what off, bro?

This is my apartment, my Teddy Roosevelt conversation, I get the girl.

Oh, so the fact that you're the incumbent means

she should just pick you? Tell that to William Howard Taft.

You're calling me Taft?

If anyone's Taft, you're Taft!

I'm not Taft! I'm Teddy!

The hell you are. My name is Ted!

Yeah, right. Go sign the Payne-Aldrich Tariff Act, Taft!

How dare you?

Skinny-dipping in the Potomac River.

And so the standoff continued, hours passed...

then days.

- Days passed? - Days passed.

Finally, a T.R. stricken by tropical fever

on his Amazon trek, we could go no further.

When he was Assistant Secretary of the Navy...

Will you just pick one of us already so I can either have sex or go to sleep!

Smooth, bro.

After that day, I have never liked that guy.

So let's just tell Robin this can't be done, and send Gary Blauman packing.

Did you just say Gary Blauman?

Yeah.

I...

love that guy!

- What?! He's the devil! - He's an angel.

It was 2006, Marshall and I had broken up,

and I was back in New York feeling vulnerable

and listening to my breakup song over and over.

- Sugar Ray's "Fly." - You know it.

Man, you know nothing about breakups.

I really don't.

- Anyway, then I hit bottom. - There's a bottom below Sugar Ray?

Mm.

What?! Why have I never seen that before?

I've been using cover-up and strategically placed

straps for a long time to keep this puppy quiet.

After all the times you guys made fun of me for my breakup butterfly tattoo?

Oh, the fact that Ted got a butterfly tattoo,

will you ever stop being hilarious?

So why is it only half a butterfly?

Because Gary Blauman saw me in the tattoo parlor,

dragged me out and talked some sense into me.

Lily, trust me, you and Marshall are going to get back together.

And when you do, you will be so glad you did not get

the other half of that butterfly.

Actually, I was gonna get a little more than the butterfly.

It's good that I ran into you.

Marshall, Blauman saved you from a lifetime

of looking at Sugar Ray every time we do it on your birthday.

- Find him a nice seat. - No, no, do not find him a seat.

- I'm telling you, this guy... - You find him a nice...

Neither of us was gonna back down,

so finally we decided to take it to the groom.

- Wh-What's going on? - Shh!

Wha...?

Who's that guy?

It's my ex-boyfriend.

So, we're crouching behind a van, hiding from your ex-boyfriend.

Forgive me, I'm a little bit of a detective.

It was a bad breakup?

Pretty bad.

- Bad like there was a big fight? - Bad like there was a big ring.

Bad like this happened in the past year?

Bad like it happened Saturday.

- So bad. - Yeah.

Okay, he's gone.

I'm so sorry, Ted.

I really like you, but I'm-I'm in the weirdest place on Earth right now.

You're in a Scottish-Mexican restaurant?

Yup. Yeah, I am.

It's just too soon for me to be dating.

I think I should head home.

Well, want me to walk with you?

Lots of scary ex-boyfriends in this neighborhood.

Sure.

I do want to hear the rest of that story.

- Right, right the story. - Yeah.

So, we decided to take it to the groom.

- Did you say Gary Blauman? - Yeah.

- Gary Blauman? - Yes.

Blauman... comma, Gary?

Point, comma, get to the damn.

I...

love...

that we have the opportunity to destroy

Gary Blauman's weekend by kicking him out of the wedding!

Yes! Gary Blauman Haters' Club right here!

What that guy did to me. Oh... God!