Harry Wild

Ha ha! I nearly had it.

Oh...

Now, listen, pal.

About tomorrow, right?

You pay for everything.

Don't let her pay for anything.

No, no, no, no.

-I can't do this. -Why?

I have no money for this.

Oh!

-Here. -Yeah, no, no, no.

Yes, yes, yes. No, no, no.

Because we're friends, right?

And that... that's what friends do for friends.

You are a good man.

This is double Dutch.

Unless Dutch is one of your exam papers,

pipe down and concentrate so I can quiz you.

I'm not just here so Glenn can nick my chips.

Oh! What sort of a stupid name for a criminal is Benny Ducks?

Does he?

He sounds like a cartoon character.

Maybe he became a criminal

'cause people made fun of his name,

had to prove himself a hard man.

Well, he's trying very hard.

Lend us a tenner, will you, Harry?

I'll pay you back next week.

I've got a super reliable tip on a horse.

It's literally gonna murder all the other horses.

Not literally.

-Oh, it is, I swear. -What?

It's gonna machine gun them all to death?

How's it going to get its hoof around the trigger?

What are you on about?

Oh, I bleedin' hate Emily Bronte! Harry!

You're not the first and you won't be the last,

but this essay's piss-easy!

Listen...

I could've been a jockey, you know?

Met that Frankie Dettori once.

He said to me, he said, "Thank Christ, Glenn,

that you chose the career you did,

because I wouldn't be the winner I am today

if I had to compete against the likes of you."

If I give you a tenner, will you stop talking?

Yeah, all right.

So Fergus, we can do this.

Start focusing on that part now.

- Help!

Help!

Help!

Come on. Come on.

Charlie?

We have a situation.

Go and check the tags.

Standard search area, 20 feet.

Get someone in that water.

-I.D.? -His wallet, sir.

-Anything else, sir? -That is it.

Thanking you.

You okay?

Better than him.

I'm sure I've seen him before.

But I don't know where.

His name's John O'Toole. Ring any bells?

He was reported missing by his wife yesterday.

We'll have her I.D. him to make sure.

Reckon he's been in the water for a couple of days.

Top himself, did he?

Oh, we won't know till get the P.M.

I've an uncle in Aberystwyth who did that.

Put on his best suit, went and threw himself off the flats.

Through my Aunt Gwyneth

was cheating on him with the postman.

Irony was she was having it away with everyone but the postman.

Why was that ironic?

Landed on the postman when he jumped.

Are you all right, son?

Yeah, yeah.

Absolutely mental, but... but yeah.

Hi, this is Jacob.

Please leave a message.

I know that couldn't have been easy, Mrs. O'Toole.

You've been very helpful.

Are you sure there's no one I can call for you?

No, no, thank you.

You've been very kind.

Gemma here will drive you home.

I'll be in touch.

-Charlie, Charlie! -Mother, Mother!

Look, I can't stop. I've a squad meeting.

I know who he is. The dead man, I mean.

We know who is. John O'Toole.

I'm just back from the morgue. That was his wife.

Are you saying that she identified him?

She did. Now I've really got...

No, no, no!

It... that can't be John O'Toole.

The man from the river was called Jacob Baklov.

He was delivering these door-to-door

a couple of weeks ago.

I got chatting with him.

He asked me if I had any odd jobs.

I said I didn't but I'd bear him in mind.

So he wrote his mobile here on the back.

I called it. Went straight to voice mail.

He was Polish.

He looked very different when we pulled him out of the river.

-Not dead, you mean? -Oh, don't be facetious!

I mean he wasn't wearing a tracksuit.

I mean, but it was the shoes that I remembered.

They were cheap things.

Those shoes, they didn't belong with that suit,

and they certainly belong with the tracksuit either.

He's been identified by his wife.

Well, then clearly she's in on it.

If I'd known I was being raised by Columbo...

In on what?

Whatever it is that they're up to,

but that was not John O'Toole.

I stood with the wife as she I.D.'d him.

She wasn't lying.

Well, clearly she was!

Is there something you're not telling me about?

Because you're doing that thing, you know,

that twitch in your jaw.

What are you on about?

Like when I used to go into your room,

and you'd pretend you weren't wanking.

Jesus Christ, Harry!

Go home!

Charlie said his wife I.D.'d him, and it's not Jacob.

Well, maybe you were wrong.

-More likely she was lying. -Oh, of course it is.

And why would she lie?

Oh, I don't know. Insurance scam or something.

Anyway, enough of that.

We are supposed to be talking about "Wuthering Heights."

Oh, do we have to?

I'd rather talk about dead people.

I mean "Wuthering Heights"... so dull.

Dull?

Oh, dear God, have you not got to the part

where Heathcliff digs up Cathy's grave

just so he can embrace her corpse?

-Are you shitting me? -I shit you not.

They reckon the Brontes were virgins,

but the passion in their writing, their unbridled lust...

Yeah, seems a bit creepy.

That need to hold onto someone one last time.

It's almost primal.

And the cruelty in that book.

I always thought that Heathcliff was Earnshaw's bastard,

and he just said he was an orphan to pass him off.

I'll look up that bit where he digs her up.

"Wuthering Heights" meets "The Walking Dead,"

right, Harry?

Mincemeat!

Operation Mincemeat!

It was a British military intelligence operation

in World War II.

Yeah.

The army found a tramp

who died from rat poisoning or something.

They dressed him as an officer,

then they left him off the coast of Spain

with a briefcase chained to his arm.

When the Germans got him, they reckoned they'd discovered plans

for an Allied landing somewhere in Europe,

but the information in the briefcase was a decoy.

The Allies landed elsewhere, fooled the Nazis completely.

There must be a point?

What if John O'Toole wants the world

to believe that he's dead for some reason.

Maybe it's not an insurance scam.

Maybe someone's after him.

He owes money. It could be anything.

But then he meets Jacob.

Okay.

-How? -I don't know.

Maybe Jacob knocks on his door, like he did me,

and he... he looks so alike

that he realizes that Jacob could pass for him.

Especially after a couple of days in a river.

Exactly!

And... And with the closed coffin

and only the wife has seen him.

And we've already established that she's in on it.

No, I'm not sure we did establish that.

You just said it.

I think we should pay a visit to the merry widow tomorrow,

pay our respects.

-We don't know where she lives. -I do.

Driver's license at the pub.

Nice one.

Fingers crossed she doesn't remember me.

What?

We passed each other at the Garda station.

Only briefly.