Shut Up and Kiss Me

Have you ever used a video dating service before, hon?

No.

Just be natural.

Talk about yourself, what you like

because don't worry about it.

Guy-Five-- I am the best all-male dating service around

because I'm gonna hook you up.

We're gonna do a little video of you

and your five hot friends here, okay?

Because they say that we are

a sum of our five closest friends. Is that perfect?

Perfect. Okay.

Are you ready?

Yeah. 0kay--

Wait, wait, wait. Hold on.

Hold on for a second.

Oh, what are you doing? What are you doing?

You've got a cowlick, hon. I've gotta fix that.

No, that's h0w--

Ow. That's how I wear my hair

Ooh, God, it's so much gel.

It's all good. It's fine now.

Oh, ooh, nice, sweetheart.

Ooh, God, nice body.

One of the perks of my job, get to touch all the boys.

Yummy.

Okay, you ready?

And, action.

Hi, my name is Ben.

No, no, no, n0, n0,

let's try to be a little more natural, honey,

not like you got a coat hanger stuck in your mouth.

Okay.

Now? Yes.

Okay.

Um, hi, my name is Ben.

And...

And I'm looking to go on a date.

Okay, why don't you tell the Guy-5 viewers

a little about yourself?

Your stats, like your height, weight, you know.

I'm 5'9",

and I weigh 190 pounds.

I have brown hair and Blue eyes.

I'm seven inches circumcised.

Cut.

Oh, I'm seven inches cut.

No, cut the tape.

Cut the tape.

We don't tell penis size.

Oh, you said tell statistics, so--

N0, no, honey,

penis size is a very personal thing

that should be explored one on one. Okay?

Okay, gotcha. Okay, yeah.

One on one.

Now let's settle

Ah, let's breathe into the taint,

out the balls.

Okay, let's relax and smile.

Go.

Should I do it from the beginning 0rjust--

Just continue, honey,

because I'm gonna have to cut the shit out of this laten

Um...

I'm an Aries.

I don't know what that means,

butl like Thai food,

comic books,

and I'm originally from New Jersey,

the good part, of course,

and I own a fitness company with my best friend Vinnie.

Vinnie's straight,

but he's the closest thing to a brother thatl have.

We have so much in common, actually.

We're both from back east.

Brooklyn all day, baby.

We both like action films.

He likes car chases. I like Jason Statham.

Uh, we both like chick flicks and Lisa Loeb.

What the fuck? No, no we don't.

Whoa. Would you-- you cut with the F-bombs, okay?

Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, you should be sorry.

All rig ht, now, let's go.

Come on, Ben.

This is my best friend, Vinnie,

and we own a business togethen

What's poppin'?

Ben's a good QUY,

so go on a date with him.

Okay, these are my friends James and Sara.

James and Sara.

0h-- You guys should pick Ben.

He'll be like this all night long.

Oh, and he's huge. Too bad he's a bottom.

Thank you, James and Sara.

It's not true.

And this is Callie and Brad.

They just got married. Yay, married.

And they want to say a few nice words on my behalf.

Oh, yeah.

Hello, everyone.

Ben is such a doll.

I love you, Ben. Thank you.

You're my gay boyfriend.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Ben's a commitment-phobe.

Cut, cut, okay.

Whoa... hello?

You guys are trying to make him look like a catch,

so let's not talk about his commitment phobia,

his obvious lack of personality,

or the fact that he uses steroids, okay?

And F-Y-I, sweetheart,

tops are much more in demand.

I don't do steroids,

and I'm not a bottom.

I'm sure you don't, dear, and I'm sure you aren't.

And you need to stop telling people

I'm a commitment-phobe when it's not true.

But, it is true. It's not true.

Yes, it is.

Callie, tell them its not true.

Ha!

Dude, let's be honest, Ben.

You can't even commit to keeping your furniture

in the same spot.

That's ridiculous.

Uh, no, not in the slightest, actually,

because every time we come to your apartment,

the furniture's been moved.

You rearranged it.

Yeah, its nice.

This is feng shui.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you rearranged it again.

It's nice.

Yeah, this is for ergonomic reasons.

Ah.

Are you kidding me?

Now, this is nice.

Yeah, I saw this on HGW

Okay, that probably wasn't the best example.

Aw, honey.

Okay, these are really cute tidbits of information,

and I want to put rusty forks in my eyes,

so why don't wejust, you kn0w--

I've got deadlines,

and I have to make six other tapes here,

so we don'twejustskip your friends,

and you could just tell us who you are,

where you're from, and what you like, okay, Ben?

Oh, 0h, butl wanted-- Girl, you are so done. Thank you.

Okay, yeah.

And you, please, just go.

Let's get a step on it.

Whoo!

'Cause I've got a camel toe and a yeast infection.

I gotta get out of here, 'kay?

Hi, my name is Ben.

I'm 35.

I'm originally from New Jersey.

I'm single.

I like camping.

I'm more of a dog person,

enjoy comic books.

I'm looking for another guy like myself,

and if any of sounds appealing to you,

please respond to my ad.

Thank you.

All rig ht. See, that is something I can work with.

Thank you. You have any Monistat around?

What is going on with you?

What ever happened with that video dating thing you were doing?

No, I cancelled that so fast.

I mean, I guess I met some interesting guys from there,

but mostly just losers.

Let's see.

Oh, when you left, rememberl was dating Roy?

Roy?

Yeah, you remember--

my build, the brown hair, the website designer

Oh, Roy, yeah.

So we're dating for about a month,

and then he had to go on this business trip to Thailand,

so the whole time he's there, he's calling me,

sending me e-mails, postcards,

telling me how much he misses me.

"Benny, I can't wait to come back home."

So he comes back to the States, and then...

I got to tell you...

While I was in Thailand,

I realized thatThai men,

they're so much deeper and more spiritual

then white men.

So I can't date you anymore.

You can't?

Well, you're white...

and shallow.