The Breaker Upperers

Er... Oh.

Now, we didn't find Brendan, but we...

We did find this.

It was down at the dock.

That's his!

Yep.

Oh, my God.

Okay. Well, we'd better head back to HQ.

We've got a very busy day planned.

Yeah, fighting crime and whatnot, so...

Shall I? Shouldn't leave that half-eaten. Should I...

- Take that, yeah. - Yeah.

- Thank you. - Wait.

What? But...

So what do I do now?

Well, what you don't do is call the office.

Yeah, it's getting pretty stressy down there,

so I wouldn't bother.

Here's our direct line.

Nice to meet you, Annie.

Anna.

Cool.

Congratulations, Brendan. You're a free man. Get down.

- You're taking me to the airport, right? - I'm not a taxi service.

- But... - Get out, man!

- Get out. - Out!

Bye, dickhead!

- Hello. Breaker Upperers. - Hello. Breaker Upperers.

You wanna be single by March?

Consider it done.

I've had it up to... I've had it past here, I've had it up to here.

Just because we got gay marriage doesn't mean we need to...

follow through, you know?

I didn't vote for it.

- Will you support this marriage? - We will!

- We will not! -

You weren't gay eight months ago, Russell!

It's simple, really.

What we do is we take unhappy couples such as yourself

and consciously, forcibly and irreversibly uncouple you.

Whoa.

What the hell, David?

After the job is done, you don't know us, we don't know you.

- Thank you so much. - You're a free man, David.

Sarah, I think we need to talk about Jarrod.

The spark has gone. We used to play "refugee trying to find asylum."

I'd be the refugee, obviously,

and she'd be a sexy UN case manager.

We don't do that any more.

- -

I want whips, I want chains. I want A Hundred Shades of Grey.

He's not even one.

'Cause women are scary. I mean, they say they're the fairer sex.

Sure, if you go around with the devil.

Why are you doing this, Sharon?

Get away from me, evil woman!

I've even entered a relationship with my neighbour Raewyn.

I moved in with her for three months.

But, you know, he's just not getting the message.

Kathy!

- -

Let's give it another ten minutes and call it quits?

Kathy!

I want a nice, clean break. I don't want years of heartache

and stalking and therapy and possible violence.

- I've been shot! -

It wouldn't take much...

to knock the old bugger off.

We don't kill people.

We're not breaking any laws, Joseph.

We're simply guiding two souls towards inevitability.

Go!

I will shoot your faces.

Go!

Thank you.

- That's good. - That's really good.

It's mine!

Yeah, he's saying that he didn't appreciate

you talking to your friends about his vasectomy.

But-- No--

No, I'm not saying you shouldn't talk to your friends.

No. That's not what I'm saying.

I think you should talk to your friends. I think it's good to...

talk to your friends about your emotional state--

I'm actually just reading from a piece of paper, but...

Lady, he doesn't wanna be with you anymore,

so suck it up and move on.

Yep.

OK. What I would suggest is popping down to your local stationery store,

buying yourself a journal and write some tear-jerking diary entries.

Thank you for your call.

- You are so good at that. - Just gotta find the fun in it, you know?

We order a courier?

Hi. Sorry. I'm Jordan. I've got an appointment with you guys.

Oh, sorry, Jordan. I was expecting someone older and whiter.

I thought you were white. Doesn't matter, though.

I don't see color.

I mean, I do see color. There's nothing wrong with my vision.

Come in. Have a seat.

That's Jodie, our intern. You can just ignore her.

I'm Jen and this is Mel.

- Hey, Mel. - Hi.

Shower in a can.

- So-- - Mel, is that short for Melon?

- Melanie. - French?

I don't think so.

- Really? - Maybe.

Anything else you guys wanna catch up on? Favourite food? Music? Movies?

Yeah.

So, what's your favourite food, music and movies?

Lasagna, hip-hop and The Last Of The Mohicans.

You don't listen to hip-hop.

Yeah, I do, and I've got a CD of it.

So, Jordan, how can we help?

I wanna break up with my missus, miss.

Okay. And how long have you and your missus been together?

- Since high school, miss. - You don't have to call me miss.

- Just call me Jen. - Okay, miss.

And have you attempted breaking up with her before, Jordan?

Yeah, a couple of times.

See here, I sent her broken hearts and crying faces,

which obviously represents sadness and heartbreak.

And then she sent this back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

And I just couldn't go through with it.

Well, we could do a phone call, spell it out.

Yeah, I don't think that'll work. She's very delicate.

Delicate like a delicate flower,

but very persuasive like a persuasive...

flower.

Okay. Well, maybe we could do something in person.

We could do the Other Woman package.

I could pretend to be your girlfriend.

Sorry, Jen, I don't mean to offend you,

but it's more that there's a natural chemistry between Melon and I.

She's 35.

- 36, actually. - No, you're lying.

You're not.

Your skin's amazing.

- What product do you use? - Just--

Okay, fine. Well, it's $500 up front and $500 at the end of the job.

Do you think this is something that you could afford?

Easy. Chump change.

Yeah. You like that?

Yeah, it's all right.

- Are you bored? - What? No.

- You seem bored. - No.

Just thinking about somebody else.

Come on! Wake up, Mel! Wake up!

Are you a pussy who hates her life choices?

No!

"My life sucks.

My boyfriend left me for some fat-arsed bitch

who's great in the kitchen!"

Fire up, Mel!

Fire up!

- Let's get that bra off. - No, bra stays on.

Bra stays on.

I took my T-shirt off.

Are you a loser?

You're a pussy!

Loser!

No mates!

Hit me!

You keep hitting me!

Can you look at me, please?

Not like that. I like to feel a connection of some kind.

You're literally inside me.

I mean on a human level.

If you want "human," you shouldn't be on Tinder.

If you wanna work out, you should go to the gym.

I don't like gyms. I don't like people.

Free shot! Go!

Harder!

Put everything into it or I'm gonna knee you in the head.

Get up.

Okay.

- Don't go yet. - I'll go when I want to.

- Don't go yet. - I'm gonna do it now.

- Dude, I'm starving. Oh... -

I'll just be a sec.

Wait. No!

Not yet! Aargh!

I'm not wearing any undies.

- Come on. Guess the singer. Go on. -

Prince.

- No. - Kermit.

- No! - I give up.

- It's Celine Dion. - You sound like a seal being strangled.

- - She sounds like that. I love her.

Hey, that Tuesday job's been confirmed. Good.

Man, I hate doing missing person jobs.

Yeah, they pay the best.

Yeah, but they cry all the time, and doesn't that lady have kids?

I don't know. Okay. My turn.