How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

If only you knew what I just dealt with.

I mean, this guy was right in front of me going…

That guy deserves a ticket. I'm sure he's still way back…

A woman never reveals her age.

"And only then will the people of Tajikistan

"know true and lasting peace."

Andie, it's brilliant. It's really moving.

But it's never gonna appear in Composure magazine.

God, I busted my butt in grad school

to be Andie Anderson, how-to girl,

and write articles like, How to Use the Best Pick-up Lines,

and Do Blondes, Do They, Like, Really Have More Fun?

I wanna write about things that matter, like politics

and the environment and foreign affairs, things I'm interested in.

Keep busting your butt. You're gonna get there.

Hey, I got something to cheer you up.

You know that editor from Sports Illustrated

that you have been shamelessly flirting with on the phone for,

I don't know, a month, now? He made a little delivery this morning.

Let me see. Don't. No. Hey!

- Tomorrow night. - What happens tomorrow night?

Only the most exhilarating and artistic display

of athletic competition known to mankind.

- The Ice Capades are in town? - No, the NBA finals are in town,

and I got tickets!

- Come with me? - All right, I'll go.

But I am not putting out.

Two stale jumbo dogs and a couple of beers,

you'll be whistling a different tune.

- You know what I like. - Good morning, ladies.

Don't forget, staff meeting in 30 minutes.

Michelle. Haven't seen her all morning. Have you?

- Ten-to-one she's wallowing. - It's my turn. I'll get her.

You get the coffee. Meet me on the corner in 20.

Wait, wait, wait. Here, take some samples.

Samples. Samples. Great idea.

Boy, drama, drama, drama.

Hello, Ben.

Hey, hey. Good morning, Spears.

What are you reading, girl? You catching up on your current events?

"Turn-on Tricks: How to Make Him Hot."

You know, if you wanna try those out sometime, we should get together.

Green and I have an appointment at Composure,

the fastest-growing women's magazine in the country.

And seeing as how our clients run a lot of our campaigns

in their nationally syndicated little girly magazine,

it wouldn't hurt you to do a little reading.

- Hey, Benny. - Good morning, Green.

- You finally decided to show up? - Yes, I did.

- You ready? - Ready. Later, Ben.

Have a nice day, ladies.

Hi!

Good morning, sunshine.

Okay, get dressed. Get dressed. Staff meeting, 15 minutes. Let's go.

I'm going back to bed. I have no reason to live.

Sun's out.

- Okay, just… - Okay, now.

Cashmere?

Put it on. It'll make your eyes look fiercely green.

Get up. I'm not gonna let you lose your job on top of everything else.

- Come here. - Oh, Andie.

- Okay. - Okay.

You only dated the guy a week.

It was the best week of my life.

Sweetheart.

Good morning, ladies!

- What's up, Tito? - Warren Advertising.

- Yes, he's waiting for you. Hold on. - Good morning.

- What's up, kitty cat? - What's up, daddy? Big night?

- Not bad. - Orgy?

- Where were you? - Not at an orgy.

Did you hear?

What? That my Knickerbockers are now in the championship series

and Tone the Bone, here, owes me 20 bucks?

- Pay him. - Man, well, you were right.

DeLauer Diamonds is looking for a new ad agency.

Warren wants to move on it aggressively.

Yes! Oh, this is a good day. This is a good day.

Guys, did you know that diamonds

are about as common as taxis on 5th Avenue?

The value is entirely sentimental,

maintained by supply, demand and advertising.

Stripes. Now, DeLauer dominates the world diamond market.

Meaning, if I represent them, I basically represent the entire industry.

- What? - Warren gave it to the Judys.

Spears and Green, they're already on it.

- No way! - Yeah.

Well, you know, he's kind of partial to hot, leggy chicks.

Yeah, and we're the sneakers and beer division.

Precious gems aren't exactly our forte.

Lips and hips are over at a chicks' magazine, right now.

- I gotta get to Warren before… - You can't. You can't. He's on a plane.

Easy, pal. Chicago meeting.

And it's too late anyway 'cause Warren's meeting them for drinks

at Mullen's tonight to discuss their idea.

Know what? This didn't happen. You know why? This was my tip.

It's gonna be my pitch, my account, my campaign. This is my baby.

- That's what I'm talking about. - They will not ace me out of this.

- That's right. - I heard that.

- Okay, Mullen's tonight. - "I heard that"?

- Hi. - Hi.

- I don't really wanna talk about it, okay? - Okay.

Okay.

Why does this always happen to me?

Things are going great for, like, a week-and-a-half

and then all of a sudden, it's over, and I am mystified!

Seriously, I am mystified because it always starts out so well.

- Poor baby. - Let's just roll with this.

Mike and I had such a connection.

The first time that we had sex, it was so beautiful.

I cried.

- You cried? - Yeah.

You mean like one glistening tear on your cheek, right?

No, I was really emotional. I even told him that I loved him.

- After how many days? - Five.

Two.

It was how I felt. I wanted to express myself.

Okay. Well, what did he say?

Oh, Mike didn't have to say anything. I know that he felt the same.

But then, he started getting really busy, and I didn't know where he was,

so I kept calling him, calling him. He was never home.

- You kept calling him? - I didn't leave a message.

He didn't know it was me. My number's blocked.

Oh, I'm sure he thought it was one of his friends.

You know, men frequently call their friends' answering machines

and hang up 20 times.

Anyway, I know why he dumped me.

I'm too fat.

- You're not fat! - You're not fat!

Michelle, if the most beautiful woman in the world acted the way you did,

any normal guy would still go running in the other direction.

No. No guy would go running from you, Andie.

You could barf all over him and he would say, "Do it again."

That is both incredibly disgusting and categorically untrue.

If I did the things you did, I'd get dumped, too.

Okay, family, shoes off.

And breathe.

Out.

Okay, Lori, let's start with you.

Well, the BOTOX for Beginners piece is done.

Now, it's a little scary, but mostly upbeat.

Now I'm on What Your Gyno won't Tell You,

which is also pretty scary, but, you know, upbeat.

I finished my research on Deadly Pedicures,

about the woman who contracted that fungus from the unsterilized tools.

It's a terrible story, although surprisingly upbeat.

- Upbeat. - Marvelous.

What's next for How-To With Andie?

Well, I've been working on something that's, kind of, different.

- It's… It's a political piece and it's… - No.

Andie, you work at Composure magazine.

We are fashion, trends, diets, cosmetic surgeries,

salacious gossip, that's Composure.

- Okay, but… - Look, Andie. Okay.

The column is new for you.

When you turn it into a must-read,

then you can write about whatever you want.

Until then, you can write about whatever I want.

- Understood? - Yeah.

Michelle, what have you got?

I'm sorry, Lana. I wasn't feeling very well.

- She got dumped. - Oh, no, Michelle!

What a hellish ordeal for you.

But I must say, you are looking fabulous.

Are we loving the way she looks, all?

- We love the way she looks. - Oh, you're so right. She looks great.

- I haven't eaten since the split. - Good for you! Write about it.

I can't use my personal life for a story.

I understand completely.

Who will use Michelle's personal life for a story?

- Oh, I will! - Go.

No, no, no! Lana, with all due respect,

Lori has no business mucking around in my personal life, and I can't let her.

- I'll do it. - What?

I'll sort of do it. It's…

You will be my inspiration.

- For? - Look at Michelle.

- She is a great girl, right? - Yes.

An amazing woman.

But she has a problem hanging on to relationships,

and doesn't really know what's she doing wrong,

which is like a lot of our readers.

So I was thinking that I could start by dating a guy

and then drive him away,

but only using the classic mistakes most women, like Michelle,

make all the time.

I'll keep a diary of it

and it will be sort of a dating how-to in reverse.

- What not to do. - Yeah.

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.

Yes. Go.

- Bart, what's new in the shoe… - Wait, wait, Lana. I'm sorry.

Why 10 days?

Five days is too short, and we go to press in 11. Yes?

Okay, what we found out is men are attracted to purple shoes.

- Thank you. - Now, I love them myself…

Maybe toss in something spiritual as well.

Who's that chic Buddhist Richard Gere cavorts with?

- The Dalai Lama? - He's fabulous.

- Here's my 10:00. Welcome. - Hi.