Gerri Curls

Is any of this even necessary?

That dipshit'll be dead before me.

Him again?

Fine.

The date is February 23rd, 1982.

Can I get some snacks in here?

- Son, 18 years and nine months ago you were conceived

on the Gadbury Ice

and you've been the bane of my existence ever since.

When I was alive, I lay awake at night

wishing I had pulled out and let you melt into the ice.

As the saying goes, spilled semen.

You've enjoyed the finer aspects of the Gadbury name

while never fulfilling your family duties.

Our legacy as curling elite goes back centuries

and now I'm afraid that will die.

As my final farewell to you,

I'll give you one last opportunity

to prove you are a Gadbury.

And if not, your sweet half baby sister

will receive my whole fortune.

Maybe by the time you've seen this, you will have-

I've been saving this, my little caliente.

Whoa.

Rapido papi.

Yes.

- Come on, come on, come on, come on, push yourself.

Push yourself!

I want to see them titties

bouncing from your toenails to your temples, tubby.

Why you stop, man?

What?

Come on man, it's hot.

Hot?

Man, check the ladder.

Dang.

Fuck is he doing?

What is you doing?

I prefer baseball.

Lunch porky.

And you!

Whatever it is you selling, I ain't buying.

I ain't selling, I'm serving.

What the fuck is this?

This bitch open my mail.

- Pay your house payment, you broke bitch.

What is this?

But I will get away with it.

My brain is a catalog of Datelines and 48 Hour Mysteries.

That's right bitch, I'm drowning you.

That's my money, my inheritance, every single penny of it.

You little bastard.

That's my money, you're not getting any of it.

Drowning me again, puto?

Did you know about the tape?

Why didn't you tell me?

- Because you're a piece of shit that only took from dad.

He didn't want you to have that money.

You don't even deserve it.

That's not true.

I'm the true heir to the Gadbury throne.

- You never even went on the ice to throw with us.

Do you even curl?

It's in my blood.

- Okay, so when's the last time you went on the ice?

Exactly, I thought so.

You were too busy fucking your mattress

and eating your damn Twinkies

to be part of the family business.

That's not true.

It's all mine.

Listen up dipshit,

the lawyer is here and needs you to sign some papers

so you're aware of the terms, okay?

So you're gonna get ready,

you're gonna meet me in the office

'cause Brett is waiting for us.

What's taking him so long?

- He's gonna be here, don't worry about it.

Look at him.

What?

You know I have low blood sugar?

- Gordon, shut up and sign the papers.

Gordon.

I'm here to explain the conditions of the trust.

Your father left explicit instructions

that upon his death

the only way to receive your inheritance,

which is valued at $125.8 million,

is if you lead a curling team

to the regionals of the Olympic trials.

That is the good news.

Then what's the bad?

- The bad is the qualifiers for the regionals

its in one month.

What?

- Looks like you better get going.

- How in the world am I gonna put together a team this fast?

- Gordon, I can be of service if you need.

How's a blow job gonna help me

put together an all area curling team?

Couldn't hurt.

I meant with teammates.

I happen to know a couple of unemployed curlers in the area

who'd be available for the right price.

Money is no object.

Done.

I'll get in touch with you, okay?

- Thank you. - No problem.

Fat boy, this is $45.

With the promise of a million.

How?

- All we have to do is get to the regionals,

expose my sister for the fraud she is

and the $125 million is mine.

That shit is a month away.

We better get to it then.

Get yo ass out my house.

The bee don't get out the bed for less than,

let's think $1,500.

Tell you what?

$1,000 a week.

Cash only tubby.

I'll get you your money.

Who is that?

Oh that's Gerri Redding.

Let me be.

Get off me, get off me.

Get off me.

Gerri Redding,

the first female drafted to the NFL.

NFL?

Professional football, man.

- We didn't watch the sports of the commoners.

- Well, right after she was drafted, she went crazy,

drugs, hookers.

She didn't even get to play a game.

Where can I find her?

County fool.

- Are you the one that bailed me out?

Yes.

- Listen, I appreciate it and all,

but I don't get down like that.

I'm sorry?

With dicks, your dick.

I'm not gonna suck it or nothing.

This is a no dick zone,

not here, not here, not here, not nowhere.

No, if I wanted a blowjob

I'd get a much better looking guy.

This is strictly professional.

Have you ever thought

about playing a true professional sport?

- Man I ain't got time for the bullshit today.

- Listen, I'm giving you the opportunity

to elevate your physical prowess

to play a sport of the gods, curling.

- Man, let me get out of this bitch.

I'm out.

- Oh that looks like a good site.

Wow, she's pretty.

She sweeps like an angel.

Hello Amor.

I have a proposito for you.

Pop!

Pop!

Pop!

- Geraldine, why you sneak in my house like that?

I been calling your name.

- I'm trying to get a little shut eye

for my studio session tonight.

What's wrong, baby girl?

I need your help.

You know the training ain't going like as planned.

- You mean them fucked up tires in the yard?

No shit.

They about to take the house.

- You had it all, first woman in the NFL

and you had to fuck it up

with them phat asses and blunts.

- I ain't come here to get a lecture from black country.

- Yeah, I'm singing country music.

I'm 'bout to change the game, just like-

Ray Charles?

You ain't no Ray Charles.

Damn right.

He's six feet under and I'm still standing.

I would love to help you

but I got all my money tied in the video shoot next month.

I spent my life on your dreams.

Now I got to do mine, Geraldine.

Now just listen to my new song.

Damn Geraldine, I was just getting to the good part.