A Series of Unfortunate Events

If the story of the Baudelaire orphans was a car trip,

it would be unpleasant, uncomfortable, and interminably long.

This car trip has been interminably long.

Who knew the Hinterlands were so far away?

That's why they're called Hinterlands.

Nobody likes a backseat driver. Tell me when that turn is coming up.

My name is Lemony Snicket, and I have the sad undertaking

of chronicling the lives of the Baudelaire orphans,

whose long car trip will soon end here, in the barely picturesque village of VFD.

Before long, they'll find themselves bewildered and bedeviled

in the town's attractive if drafty town hall.

Desperate and despondent near this prominent but off-putting landmark

known as Fowl Fountain.

It is the Baudelaires' destiny to arrive here.

But you could be someplace else.

And within moments, you'll most certainly wish you were.

"It takes a village to raise a child."

What a lovely, lovely aphorism.

An aphorism is a phrase that can sound mysterious,

but, in fact, is very wise.

We know what aphorism means.

Then perhaps you'll know this one means

the responsibility of raising young people belongs to every member of a community.

That's exactly what's going to happen to you in the village of VFD.

Instead of having one guardian,

who could be murdered or end up in cahoots with a villain,

you'll have hundreds of people caring for you.

What could go wrong?

Everything's already gone wrong. We've lost our friends twice.

Yes, well...

Would you look at this brochure? It has pictures.

An entire village will be in charge of us? That's a lot of people.

I imagine they'll draw lots like in that Shirley Jackson story.

Normally, I prefer a more traditional family structure,

but for some unknown reason, neither the individual guardian

or the academic institution is working for you.

The reason isn't unknown. It's Olaf.

He follows us everywhere. He kidnapped the Quagmires.

- Those poor twins. - Triplets.

Twins. Their brother's death changes their birth identity.

- No, it doesn't. - It hardly matters.

Thanks to the constant coverage in my wife's newspaper,

I'm sure Count Omar will be captured in no time at all.

- Olaf. - Yes, I meant to say Omar.

Besides, I doubt he'd be able to find you way out in the Hinterlands.

It would take an interminably long time.

We've followed those Baudelaires for an interminably long time.

Isn't it marvelous?

There's nothing like a trip in a getaway car.

I needed a getaway from that dirty, grimy city

and all the people after me there.

Be honest. What do you think of my hat?

- You look beautiful. - I wish I had skin like yours.

- I wish I was wearing your skin. - You look nice.

Don't look now, but someone's following us.

I said don't look. Never mind.

Oh, no. Is it the paparazzi or the press?

Or my husband? His lawyers have been calling.

It's a taxi. About a mile back.

He's been behind us an interminably long time.

You didn't think to mention someone is following us?

- I wanted it to be a surprise? - Is it the police?

Why would the police take a taxi?

Whoever it is, they seem to be obeying the speed limit.

There's only one taxi driver I know who cares about obeying the law.

There's a shortcut up here someplace. Let's see Snicket try to follow us now.

He just made a left-hand turn without signaling.

That man's villainy knows no bounds. But we'll catch up soon.

He's after the Baudelaires, and we know where they're headed.

VFD. What a charming fountain.

Don't fountains typically have water?

Typically, but this is a dry county. There's no water.

- It means there's no alcohol. -

Tomato, to-mah-to. Now, you Baudelaires wait here

while I go into town hall and finalize your paperwork.

Then I'll be leaving you.

I have a long drive back to the city,

and my wife and I have tickets to the theater.

Sunny, don't feed the pigeons.

I've read three books about crows. They're harmless.

There's a word for a large number of crows.

I can't think of it.

- That only applies to larks. - I hope we're in the right place.

This town is called VFD. It has to be connected.

We had the wrong VFD at Veblen Hall. We could have the wrong VFD.

I hope Duncan and Isadora are here.

Me, too. Maybe we can ask someone if they've seen them.

- - You mean...

Owls say...

It's wonderful you're practicing bird calls,

but you have an appointment.

The Council of Elders will see you.

- The Council of Elders? - Will see you now.

They know everything there is to know about VFD. They're as wise as...

What's that bird known to be mysterious and wise? The...

- If they know everything... - They can help.

A heron! No, a mockingbird.

Goodbye. Thank you for the ride.

A grackle? Um, no, it'll come to me.

Perhaps it's some kind of booby?

Did I see a saloon around here somewhere?

This saloon is the perfect place to hide out while we hunt the Baudelaires.

Ooh, there's a pole. Are you sure this isn't more of a club?

That's a fire pole, love.

This saloon was a firehouse until it was shut down

under mysterious and complicated circumstances.

Oh, I see they haven't changed the decor a bit. Barkeep!

It looks like no one's been in this place for a long time.

Maybe it's a dry county.

Oh, sweet, fresh country...

I can't...

Breathe, breathe. Esmé, you sound like that banker.

Hello? Anybody here?

Hello?

Hello? Anybody here? Hello?

Howdy! What can I get for you,

total stranger who I've never seen before?

I would like your strongest and coldest sarsaparilla.

One sarsaparilla coming up!

Oh.

Here you go.

So, tell me, traveler, what brings you to these parts?

How was the road? Did you bring any childrens?

I'm delighted to tell you the Baudelaires are now yours.

- That was easy. - Yours and everyone else's.

I've delivered them to this town's aphorism-based guardianship program,

It Takes a Village. Mazel tov!

L'Heimlich!

I always wanted orphans.

This morning, I thought I was just a lonely, single bartender...

...and now I have a fortune of childrens,

or whatever the word is for a large number of 'em.

Last call. Anything else I can get you aside from the check?

No, I'll be getting back to the city.

Thank you for this refreshing yet substantially overpriced beverage.

Enjoy the communal raising of children.

My wife and I decided to raise Edgar and Albert on our own.

It took one trip to a kibbutz to realize that...

Gesundheit.

The Baudelaires are here.

They've been placed under the care of the village.

We heard. We were next to you, behind this dusty bar.

You, bring me the red herring.

You two, bring some rags for dusting.

I do not want one more speck of dust invading the nostrils of the woman I love.

I love when you talk about my mucus membranes.

Oh, I'm not sure which I love more, your membranes or your mucus.

Oh, Esmé, I'm going to give you everything you never had back in the city.

Darling, I was so wealthy, I had everything I wanted.

And now I'm squatting in a dusty saloon with a bunch of actors.

I am the luckiest woman alive.

That fish weighs as much as two kidnapped children.

It certainly does.

They're awfully quiet. Should we have added more air holes?

Ugh, they'll be fine. They're probably hoarse from all that screaming.

But if Snicket's followed us,

we'll need to stash them somewhere less conspicuous.

Less conspicuous than a bright red statue of a fish?

I know just the place.

Now, while we're here, we can't risk being recognized by the authorities.

Darling, you're up.

Costumes, everyone!

- Costumes! - Ooh.

Now, this is a small town filled with regular folk.

We need to blend in with plain, normal, upstanding, heartfelt, decent,

simple, dependable, respectable people.

The bonnet might be a bit much.

The Council of Elders calls this special town meeting to order.

Hello, my dears.

We're pleased you made it.

Step onto the platform so your Elders can get a good look at you.

- Hello, I'm Violet... - Silence!

Rule number 902 states that no one may talk while on the platform.

Baudelaires, we know your story well. The tragic death of your parents.

The unfortunate loss of numerous guardians.

How you have been pursued relentlessly by a wicked count out to steal your fortune.