How I Met Your Mother

It was the day of Barney and Robin's wedding,

and a surprise guest had just arrived.

Mom, I-I can't believe you're here.

- How did you get here? - On a plane.

With your fear of flying? What, did the plane drive here?

I've made enormous strides since you last saw me, dear.

This is nice.

I don't love flying, I must admit.

I haven't been on a plane in years, but... maybe this

- won't be such a bad... - Ladies and gentlemen, we are cleared for takeoff.

We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die!

During the flight, I'll admit, I-I had a few...

difficult moments, but, you know, by the time we'd landed...

Here already.

Well, I have to say, it wasn't so dreadful after all.

Oh, I do apologize if I caused any distress.

And, oh, I'm terribly sorry about the door.

I had no idea it would fly off like that.

Please, please send me a bill, because I'd like to replace it.

I'll be taking the train home.

== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

Well, it's official: I'm gonna be Judge Marshall Eriksen.

That is great.

Can you help me get a driver's license?

A what?

Marshall, you, uh, you don't sound too excited to become a judge.

I feel kind of guilty about it.

I mean, I know how badly Lily wanted to move to Italy.

Don't do this, bro. Classic mistake.

You won-- enjoy it.

Drink the blood of your vanquished enemy and move on.

You're gonna be a great husband.

No, no, wait, he has a point.

I mean, you said yourself, it was her decision.

Lily chose to give up her job

and not move to Rome so you could be a judge.

Yeah, but something seemed off.

We had this big fight and she stormed out,

and when she came back, she had totally, like, changed her mind.

Wait, what time was this?

A little after 3:00 a.m., Billy Zabka. Why?

Well, last night, I was out doing some late-night dirt-biking in the sand.

Naturally. Continue.

And I ended up at that EZ Pick a few miles up the road.

And, well...

That's odd.

Boo...!

You saw Lily getting into someone's car?

- I wonder who it was. - What did the license plate say?

It said...

"AHOY!!!"

The Captain! Lily's boss. He has a house out here.

Wait, why was Lily getting into the Captain's car at 3:00 in the morning?

Guys...

I hate to even say this, but...

do you think it's possible...

...that I could eat six of these saltines in under a minute?

Challenge accepted!

Well, I can't wait to meet this Barney.

I haven't met him already, have I?

Because they said after getting Tasered,

I might suffer from short-term memory loss.

Oh, you'd remember if you'd met Barney.

Why don't I see what he's doing right now?

- Barney's phone. - Ted, where's Barney?

He's trying to eat six saltines in under a minute.

Well, his future mother-in-law is here.

Robin's mom is here.

And she wants to meet him.

She wants to meet you.

He's kind of in the middle of a saltine challenge at the moment.

But as soon as he's done, he'll just, uh, pop right over.

All right. Good-bye.

The saltine challenge? Now?

It's his wedding day. Guys do weird things on their wedding day.

Well, on my wedding day,

Robin's father completely disappeared for about three hours.

He just said, "I've got to go and teach somebody some manners," and off he went.

And then three hours later,

he emerged from the woods with a dead elk

slung across his shoulder.

And I didn't even know that there were elk in Bermuda.

But this Barney-- he sounds like a fine young man.

Yes, he is.

We're going again.

Marshall, are you okay?

Why did she get into the Captain's car, and why didn't she tell me about it?

- Well, maybe it was a work thing. - What? No. She has a big fight with me,

she goes down to an EZ Pick, she gets into the Captain's Mercedes,

and then three hours later, she doesn't want to go to Italy anymore?

I mean, do you think this means...

That the Captain moored his dinghy in Lily's lagoon? Most definitely.

That's crazy. You'd never moor a dinghy in a lagoon.

I don't know, Ted. In certain tidal conditions, if you had a protected inlet...

Okay, you know what? It doesn't matter. Today is Barney's wedding.

Let's just forget it.

Marshall...

do you want to go over to the Captain's house right now,

punch him in the face really fast and then come back and do this wedding?

- Would that be okay? - Ranjit, get the car.

Getting the car.

Baby, I can't wait to meet your mom,

but I kind of got to go on a little excursion with the boys right now.

What? Where are you going?

Me and the boys have to go teach someone some manners.

Are there any elk on Long Island?

Oh, bother it!

I'll get it.

Ahoy, Marshall!

- Are you okay, Robin? - No, I'm not okay,

because apparently, I am marrying my dad in a few hours.

Oh, sweetie, no. I'm sure that's not true.

I mean, th-there's so much you don't know about your father.

There were... oh, there were so many other red flags in our marriage.

I mean, for instance, do you know that before he was engaged to me,

he was engaged to marry an exotic dancer?

Hello!

Red flag!

Oh, Genevieve, not good.

And did you know that one time,

to impress women, he dressed up like a Prussian aristocrat,

had a painting of himself made,

and posed next to it in an art gallery?

Can you imagine?

Oh, that's a rough one.

Darling, darling, the list goes on.

He would always take his mother's side in arguments.

He never checked with me before making plans.

And our rehearsal dinner... oh, boy, did we have it out

right before our rehearsal dinner!

Thank you, Linus.

For the first ten years I knew him,

I didn't even know what your father did for a living.

- Every time I used to ask him, he'd just say... - Please!

Yes, that's exactly what he used to say. How did you know that?

Heck of a jab, Marshall. Well-placed.

Captain, I know something happened between you and Lily last night.

What?

No. Nothing happened.

Captain's honor.

Well, you can ask my fiancée.

Fiancée? What-what fiancée?

- Captain. Permission to clear things up? - Granted.

Me. We're engaged.

It's "boats, boats, boats"!

- Ted, look! - Uh, yeah.

I mean, yeah, I know her from that commercial.

Boats, boats, boats!

And only from that commercial.

No, you banged her. Remember?

Like, a bunch of times.

You knocked "boots, boots, boots""

All right, Captain. What the hell happened here last night?

Well, it was just after four bells.

Ahoy!

Hi, I-I know it's late, but I've got to get out of here.

So I sent the car. When she got here...

- Lily, what a lovely... - Can I use your powder room?

And then she went to the powder room.

She was in there quite a while, actually.

Probably a deuce. Go on.

And when she came out, she had to leave right away.

It was odd.

But I assure you, nothing inappropriate happened between me and your wife.

Captain, I understand what you're saying,

but what you don't understand is that Lily is my wife,

and I love her way too much to behave rationally right now!

En garde!

This is the best day of my life.

Oh, darling, come on, no, no.

You're not marrying your father.

I mean, your father... I mean, let's just put it this way.

Your father was a sociopath.

He slept with over 20 women.

And sure, you know, we were friends for years first

and it was entertaining watching him lie

to those poor girls to get inside their snow pants,

but I should have known back then this was not husband material.

I mean, even your Uncle Jim, you know, his gay black brother...

Will you shut up!

Go for Barney!

Your bride is freaking the crap out right now. Where the hell are you?

I warn you, Captain,

I've pretended to have a duel with actual swords twice.

I warn you, Marshall, I was on the Olympic fencing team.

Won three gold medals.

I warn you, Captain,

I'm starting to feel like this was a mistake.

I think I'd better not say where I am.

I am not kidding around here! Tell me where you are!

We're at the Captain's house.

What is it? What's wrong?

I am so busted.

Thank you, Linus.

You have another piece of gum?

I can keep a secret.

I can keep a secret real good.

- Are you chewing gum? - I can keep a secret like nobody's business,

'cause it is nobody's business.