Kevin Can F**K Himself

Previously on "Kevin Can F... Himself"...Ridgeway: Patty O'Connor?

Detective Tammy Ridgeway, Worcester PD.

Detective Ridgeway is looking for the local dealer.

Yeah, you. We give her somebody different.

I need those pills for him,

'cause I'm gonna kill Kevin.

I'm actually good at doing terrible things to people.

I quit.

Gragh!

And what are you doing next Friday? What?

You must not have heard of me.I've heard of you.

Give me some pills, honey.

You know any natural-born killers?I think I might.

And just so you know, this isn't

some random guy that we're asking you to...

He's awful.

I mean, it -- it might seem like he's just an idiot -- and he is.

Don't get me wrong. He is an idiot.

But he is also manipulative and an asshole and --

Nick: Shut up. Hm?

Stop talking.

How much?

Seven grand. Cash.

And these.

As a down payment.

Okay. I can do it.

Wow, that's...

Oh, you guys got a picture or anything?

Allison, picture.Oh, yes.

Yeah, um, I have a picture

and, um, his name, his employer.

He does, uh, fiber-optic installation and maintenance.

And I managed to get my hand on his schedule

for the next few weeks, although it's not exact

because if you've ever waited around for a cable guy,

you know --Shut up.

I just thought that it might help.

Let me see his picture.

Yeah, I mean, probably

the less specifics we know the better, right?

Sure.

What kind of timeline we looking at?

Soon? Y-Yeah.

Soon works. Don't contact me.

When it's done, you'll definitely know.

I'll come find you for payment.

So that's it?

You want a receipt?

No. Of course not.

Come on.

Oh, hey, you take care of Tammy?

Who?Her and her partner are not letting this go,

and it's starting to piss me off.

Yeah, I'm on it.

But after this, you and me, we good?

You bet.

I'm nothing if not reasonable.

Jesus.

This is something out of a horror movie.

I mean, it feels like

hands are reaching through the chair to squeeze my neck.

I think I like it.

Really?

I mean, it's tacky and awful,

but I've never had a massage before.

I'm not sure this counts.

Ah, I feel like my body's been tense for years,

and I can finally just relax.

Relax?

After the meeting we just had?

Mm.

No, it's like the --

the one time I was on a plane for a swim meet.

I was terrified.

Once we took off, I was totally calm

because, once you're up there, it's done.

It's decided.

You either stay in the air or you fall,

but either way, it's out of your hands

and into the pilot's, you know?

It's his responsibility.

You know, I don't love that Nick told me to shut up.

There aren't that many polite people

who definitely murdered their stepdad and got away with it.

I guess.

He did say it like five times.

We want the guy to be a little unhinged.

You're not really gonna buy one of these, are you?

They're so expensive.

Well, I have no choice.

If I don't get this for Kevin's birthday,

he's just gonna get it himself.

Said the only thing missing is a Robert Kraft setting

and laughing his ass off.

Hey, what?

Just --

This is quite a present for a guy

who got you a rubber-band ball on Valentine's.

He knew I was always losing my hair ties.

He thought they were rubber bands.

Almost thoughtful.

Alright, now it's getting fresh.

Whoa! Okay.

No buyer's remorse?

No.

It's done.

I, uh -- I got him the brown leather chair.

He said black is classy, but to hell with it

'cause I also got him that ice-cream cake

that he demanded even though he's lactose intolerant, so...

Kevin's birthday -- always an event.

Oh, what do you mean, the two dinners he juggles every year?

You know about that?

Patty, he insists that we eat at the Vic House every year

which happens to be right next door to Tricky Ricky's Fun Zone,

and 10 minutes in, he says that he left something in the car

and I don't see him for an hour and a half.

So, yeah. Yeah, Patty, I know.

I-I just don't know why he bothers.

He wants you and Neil to think you're both his favorite,

so he runs back and forth.

Jesus.

He must think I'm an idiot, huh?

No, I think he thinks he's a mastermind.

Also, Neil's fallen for it for 10 years.

So I guess you've been in the crowd at Tricky Ricky's?

Well, y-yeah.

I mean, I'm, you know, sorry.

Don't be.

I look forward to Kevin's birthday every year

'cause I get to have a nice dinner by myself

and I have some wine and I bring I book that I start

and I never finish.

It's, honestly, the one night a year

I can look forward to some peace.

Wow.

That's what you look forward to?

Well, this year, I need it more than ever.

You really think that I didn't know?

I am realizing I used to think you were kind of stupid.

Well, back at you.

Uh, you wanna grab some lunch, or...?

I mean, you got a while before your sad dinner alone.

Yeah, I can't. I have to -- I have work.

Ah, yeah. New job. Yeah.

Is the yuppie diner as thrilling as the package store?

You know, it's -- it's -- everything's boring.

You know, work is work.

Work is work, yeah.

Well, this is me, so, um,

I will see you after Tricky Ricky's.

Actually, I'm, uh -- I'm gonna skip this one.

Just I'm not really feeling up to it.

What, are you sick?

I can bring you some soup from the diner.

No, I'm not sick.I can bring you home some soup.

No, I'm -- I just -- I'm gonna stay in, watch a movie.

You're not the only one who likes her alone time.

Absolutely.

Love alone time.

God, I feel like I'm 17 again.

I know.

I thought we weren't gonna do this anymore.

No, you didn't.

This is so stupid.

What am I even -- this is...

Who cares? Who cares?

Oh, God.

I like working here.

I like you working here.

I have this thing I gotta do after I close,

but, um, maybe we can meet back up here later.

Um, normally, I would.

But not tonight?

I -- It's, uh -- it's kind of a special night.

It's a long story, but, um --

Okay. Message received.

Rain check?

Of course.

I think the boss scheduled us together again this weekend,

so I'm sure we'll find some time.

Okay.

Oh, good. I caught you.

Hey.

I wanted to give you this for your sad, lonely dinner.

Oh, wow.

I told you, it's not sad, but, um, thank you.

"The Pearl."

Yeah, it's a novella,

so you actually have an outside shot of finishing this one.

God, Patty, are you -- you being thoughtful?

No, please, shut up.

I just had it lying around.

It's nothing.

Are you wearing a blouse for your night in?

And this whole --