Wellington Paranormal

- Access granted. - Merry Christmas, Sergeant Maaka.

Ho. Ho. Ho.

Thank you, computer. And the same to you.

O'Leary, Minogue, welcome to the Paranormal Office Christmas party.

You having fun?

Um, yes. Well, I'm having a lot of fun, as you can see.

What's the best Christmas present you ever got?

Well, one time, when I was 10, I got this really great, um-- it was, like, a pull-back police motorcycle.

It had lights, and you pulled it back, and it drove itself. Yeah.

Great.

Minogue. Mum got me school clothes.

I mean, she got me a school uniform for the upcoming year,...

...which she said was generous, but I think she's-- No, that's cool.

Was that gen--? Was that cool?

It was cool. See, one Christmas, I,

when I was 6 years old, and I got a teddy bear with a tiny little police uniform.

I loved it so much. It's actually what inspired me to join the police force.

One day, it went missing. Where did it go?

I- I don't know that. I launched a full investigation,

and I even wrote it its own case file, as you can see.

At the age of 6, you wrote a case file? Yeah.

Anyway, I thought that,

we should do a bit of a Secret Santa.

There's only three of us, though, Sarge. It might be a bit obvious. Just humour me, O'Leary.

'Minogue.'

'O'Leary.' Do we get ourselves presents?

Well, we'll go again.

What should I get Sarge for Secret Santa?

Now you've told me it's Sarge. That's who you're buying for. You're not supposed to let me know.

No. I meant...

if Sarge was my Secret Santa, what would I get him?

He's not my recipient. I know what I'm gonna get the person that I've got.

But you're better at keeping secrets than me. Correct.

Car Four, this is comms. Need you to go to the Tawa Mall.

Apparently, the Santa there has been making kids cry. Over.

Yeah, copy that. We're on our way.

I thought that's what Santas do -- make kids cry.

No, they're supposed to make you feel all excited about Christmas.

Yeah, well, that's not what they did. Well, what hap--?

You'd go there and you'd sit on his knee,... Yeah?

...and then he'd say, 'What do you want for Christmas?'

And you'd tell him,... Yeah? Yes? ...and he'd go,

- 'Don't like your chances, mate.' - What Santa--? - 'Not on my watch.'

And then your mum'd come over, and he'd go, 'Ho, ho, ho!'

So these kids shouldn't be so surprised that they're crying, because that's what Santa's for.

OK, I think you've had a bad experience with a really bad Santa.

You reckon Sarge might like some scented soaps? Well, soap's what you get

when you've got no idea what to get someone for Christmas, so... Well, I got my brother Adam some,

and he absolutely loved 'em. He was speechless. Really?

Yeah. He opened them up, and he was like...

Hi. Can I help you? I'm Ian. I- I represent the mall.

Hey, we've received some complaints.

Apparently, your Santa's been upsetting people?

Yep. Um, he's... he's just down this way.

He's just by the FCK.

Did you mean the KFC?

Sorry. Just a little bit dyslexic, yeah.

I had to call this guy in last minute,...

You will find your photos on the website -- ...and the problem now is

he doesn't seem to leave. and your souls. Return to your pathetic life.

- Bring me the next child! - He doesn't seem very Santa-y.

Yeah, that's been the main problem. I-I wasn't quite sure how to bring it up.

And did you book this guy? Look again to me! Yep.

Yeah, so-- And you said you're dyslexic? Yes. Yeah.

I'm just wondering if maybe you've got your letters a bit muddled up

and you've booked Satan instead of Santa. We'll put that away for Georgia.

Yeah.

Obviously, this is not optimum. Um, I don't think Satan should be at a mall,

especially not round Christmas time, um, so I think it's important that we now get in there

- and break this thing up. Minogue? - Have fun with your headless doll!

Take away your child -- and bring me the next one!

Gidday, mate. Hi. We're from the Wellington Police.

How's it going?

Good. Good. Pretty good, yep. Yeah. Hey, look-- Hi. Hi.

...we've just had some complaints.

Apparently, you've been scaring children.

No, I've...

Well, I've been scarring children. Misunderstanding. OK, no, actually, that's worse.

It's just that I was gonna claim this mall to be my foul citadel.

I was gonna take the souls of the damned. Here's one.

Yes! Yes, you'll do nicely.

Come on, mate. Is this really the place where you wanna start your fiery realm, though? I mean,...

It's a shopping mall in Tawa.

Well-- Hey, um, if these guys have booked you,

- how does that work, exactly? - Have you got an agent, or...?

No. I-I was just sitting on my throne in hell,...

...and I was summoned here. OK, so how exactly were you summoned?

- By fax. - By fax?!

Yup. If you fax Satan,... ...I appear.

Yeah. As soon as they invented it, we got one in hell.

Guys. Sorry.

Yes. You're now choking a member of the public,

you know? OK? That mall manager.

He's not having a nice time up there, OK?

All right. I just really think, potentially, it's time for you

- to go back to hell,... - ...finish off your hell stuff...

You've had a pretty good run of it today, mate. OK?

You're in the wrong suburb. Tawa is not the place for you. Or anyone.

- Let him go. - OK! All right, all right, all right.

Look, if you ever need to spice up a party, just give me a fax. I might be interested in that.

I can create havoc on earth,... Yeah?

...make fire and blood come out of everything, and, Yeah, yeah, yeah.

...also a dubstep DJ. OK. Do people still listen to that?

- Yeah! - How does that go, again?

Yeah, you can't dance to it. Also, I'd get your card sorted out.

If you're representing your business,

it needs to be a really clean card. Look, there's probably a place here at the mall you can probably

get some more printed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does Sammy still print the...?

Yeah, yeah. OK.

Yeah. It's 50% off today.

Is it? Yeah.

You wanna take Satan down there? And you guys can sort it out before he ducks off.

I'd rather not, to be honest. It's a fair call. Yeah.

I mean, he had him by the throat. Look, um,... Yeah, he did.

Do you need a lift anywhere, like, to get back down to, hell?

Nah, nah. I'll just grab an Uber. By the way,

one of you two is going to hell.

I'll let you enjoy that on the drive home. Two people or--

We're not playing your game, Satan, OK? OK, all right.

Well, I'll see one of you later. Is it her?

See you later. Thank you. Is one of them tall or short?

# Who, who, who, who's it gonna be?

# Is it the tall one?

# Is it the short one? Tah-ta-ta!

# Whoosha-ka-ka, ha-te-fah! # Off you go, please, Satan. No, we've had enough.

Enjoy the ride home, guys.

Those hooves have given me an idea to get Sergeant Maaka some toenail clippers.

What? Does Sergeant Maaka want some toenail clippers?

Nah. Minogue and O'Leary? Go ahead.

We have a report of some stolen meat from a barbecue at 12 Pamela Drive. Over.

Yeah, on our way. Let's go.

Hey. Thanks for coming. I'm Kev. Gidday, Kev. Hi, Kev.

Gidday. We understand you've had some meat go missing.

Yeah. Had a whole load of steaks and chops and sausages...?

...and corn-fed chicken breast, bangers -- you know, some,

sizzlers and saveloys for the kids. Then we had some burgers

and pork medallions, and we had some venison mince.

We had pork mince as well, formed into little meatballs,

with onion-- Got it. So you had meat?

Meat? Yeah. Yeah.

All meat. All goneburger. So, goneburger? Gone... Why don't you just write,

'There was meat, and that's all gone'? OK? Gone meat.

And no one here noticed anything? Not a sausage.

OK, can we just keep those bad dad jokes to a minimum? OK? Yeah, word to the wise --

I wouldn't bother with those jokes. She's a bit more highbrow than that. Right.

I just don't get them. Did, anything else go missing?

Well, we can't find my auntie. Your auntie?

You didn't think maybe you should've told me that first? Well, we just noticed.

Could she have stolen the meat? Nah. She's in a wheelchair, so...

Minogue! Yo! We've got a missing person.

No, I'm just over here.

Not you -- a missing person. Copy that.

We've got a missing woman. She's in a wheelchair. Right.

And how old are we talking? Um, she's 91.

91!

But if you had to choose --

meat or auntie,... What? ...which one do you want back?

So, um, obviously, there has been some meat that's gone missing.

Probably more importantly, there's also an elderly woman that is missing too.

Nah. She's not in there. Is it there? Nah.

Yeah, I've got a sneaking suspicion the elderly lady is not particularly trustworthy,

and I think if we find her, we find the meat.

Minogue! I think I found something.

What do you think that is? This might sound outlandish,

but I think it's a vertical spa pool.

OK, that's not a spa pool, OK? It looks like some sort of, vortex.

Mrs Siri, please Google Image 'vortex'.

You'll need to unlock your iPhone first. You've gotta unlock your phone.

Images? Yeah.

Definitely a vortex, isn't it?

- Maybe one of us should stick our hand in. - That's a stupid idea.

It's cold in there. Well, that's gonna be terrible if Auntie Flo's in there.

Really good for the meat, though, so...

Kevin!

Hi, Kevin. Hey, um, just wondering -- were you aware that you had some sort of a vortex back here?

The big funny colour thing? Yes.

Um,... yup. So you have noticed it? I mean, yeah, I've noticed it.

Yeah, I can't feel anything back there. My gosh.

What? That must be where the cat disappeared to.

I think maybe one of us is gonna have to go in there.

That's insane.

I'll do it. Yup.

Are you sure this is the best we can do? I sort of feel like if that hose

was tied around the tree or something-- Have you got good grip?

Nah, I'm-- Yeah, I'm good. We've got it. OK.

Good as gold.

What?! What?! What?! What?! O'Leary, my leg's being eaten!

Come back! Come back! It's being eaten!

It's not. It's not. It's not being eaten. You should've seen your faces.

Or maybe it is being eaten.

Nah. It's not.

Steady. Hold it tighter. Yeah, yep.

Yep. OK, good! Pretty good.

Good, good. Keep going back.

God!

I've lost it! Minogue! Minogue!

Minogue! Aren't you gonna go in and help him?

Did you go in and help your cat?

- It's Minogue. - You there, O'Leary?

Minogue! Minogue, where are you? O'Leary, I'm in the vortex.