Unpregnant

Two minutes.

You're fine. You're fine.

You always use a condom.

Oh, my God.

- -

- Oh. - Yeah.

- Oh... ow! - Sorry.

Hello?

Look, I'm sure things are really scary right now,

but, you know, it's probably gonna be okay.

Um... is there anything I can do to help?

I mean, like, I have a car.

I can, like, drive you home if you want.

You can leave.

Wait...

No way.

If that is who I think it is, I was just way too nice.

Ugh, a real blast from the past.

Hey, dude. -

Oh, Jesus.

Come on, like I haven't seen you pee a thousand times.

There was actually a time when you wouldn't pee without me.

Bailey, can you just...

So who's the lucky guy, huh?

Oh, no... is it Kevin?

- Where's my test? - Ooh.

Ooh!

Is it Kevin? Please tell me.

Please tell me, come on. - Please give it to me.

- Who's the daddy? - Just give it to me please.

- Whose penis is it? - Kevin's penis.

See, was that so hard?

Actually, don't answer that. I don't wanna know.

Wow, so you're, um, with child.

And it's definitely Kevin's? - Yes, yes.

What kind of girl do you think I am?

I don't know, man. I didn't think you boned,

let alone raw dog...

I'm honestly, like, a little impressed.

I do not "raw dog."

We use condoms, which are supposed to be 98.7% effective.

Well, apparently, one of them was 0%.

That's not how statistics work.

Are you reading this right?

- Uh... - Oh, hey, Veronica.

- Heather. - I'm so glad I caught you.

Would you mind looking at the layout

for the yearbook prom page?

Let me just pull it back up... - Whoa, no.

No spoilers on the yearbook. Come on, dude, God.

Um, okay.

Why don't you email that to me, Heather,

and then I can really process the nuances

of the squiggly border that you chose.

I'm so glad you noticed the b...

Ronnie.

Oh, hey, hey.

You okay, Ronnie? You seem a little flustered.

Yeah, yeah.

Are you trying to talk to Bailey Butler?

Remember when you guys used to be besties?

Yeah, that was... that was more

'cause our moms were close and everything.

Speaking of parents, mine are in Greece.

Wanna stay over this weekend?

Who's got that green nail polish that I like?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What the hell? - Where is it?

Oh, I wrote your name on it,

and then I tied it to the flagpole.

Hope that's cool. - Can you just give it to me?

I threw it in the dumpster behind the gym.

Oh.

Well, thank you.

Thank you for bringing it all the way back there.

Eh, I was smoking a joint back there anyway.

Mr. Aster's been screening

this "Osmosis Jones" VHS in bio,

so I gotta come correct.

- It's unbelievable. - Right?

There's, like, barely any hard science in it,

but Chris Rock is a visionary.

No, you're smoking on school grounds.

That's, like, really irresponsible.

Oh, I'm the irresponsible one?

Okay.

Ah, okay, okay, okay, ah, look.

I mean, I'm sure it's gonna be okay, though?

I mean, your sister had a kid early,

and she's fine, right?

Remember when we found out

that you were gonna be a nine-year-old aunt?

We were cracking up... - Okay, okay, you can stop.

I appreciate what you did with the test and everything,

but we're not just like...

You just happened to be the person

that walked in the bathroom.

Oof.

Could have left it at thanks. Catch you on the flip, Juno.

Guys, check this out. Look at this.

- Let me see it. - Oh, my God.

Hi, hi, um, hi.

I, uh, am doing a report for my health class,

and I just wanted to see if I could ask a quick question?

Cool, thanks.

Um, if a young woman needs a procedure,

but her parents didn't know, is that possible?

Uh, let's say she's 17.

Okay, okay, so not at your facility.

Where's the closest place that...

There's an Albuquerque in Missouri?

Okay, um, well, sorry.

What about, like, Illinois or Arkansas,

Oklahoma, Texas?

No?

Okay, okay, so I get it.

It sounds like she would need parental consent,

which is... that's great. That's totally fine.

Uh, I will include that in my report,

and thank you very much, bye.

Mom, I'm gonna go to Emily's for a cram weekend.

Trust you. Love you.

That was so stupid. Maddie B is gonna...

Hey.

- Hey. - Oh, my gosh, hey, girl.

Sorry I'm late.

- Who'd you guys... - Okay, Maddie D.

No, not Maddie D.

Um, there's actually something pretty important

I have to talk to you guys about.

Okay, just give me one second.

I'm actually really close.

Yeah, "Veronica Mars" over here

thinks that she can figure out

the pregnancy test mystery thing.

What pregnancy test mystery thing?

Look.

Recycle Club found it in the dumpster.

Ugh, Maddie B's profile's on private.

No.

Ooh, okay.

So Tori Leonards wasn't in gym today,

and I know for a fact that she used "lady issues"

as her excuse.

You use that excuse to skip gym,

like, every other week.

Valid, which is actually why I'm leaning

more towards Patricia Hamilton?

Absolutely not, no.

There's no way Patricia Hamilton

has lost her V card.

Well, it's, like, none of our business, right?

I know, but it's just so juicy,

I gotta figure out who it is.

I mean, what if it was one of us?

Totally, but who takes a pregnancy test at school?

Okay, seriously, look at these grams,

though, side by side.

Patricia's belly definitely looks bigger.

- - Literally only a week ago.

- A little bit. - The way she's standing there.

No, that's not, like, a burrito belly.

Like, that's significantly bigger.

No, it's literally bigger, like her face even...

She's glowing. I mean, it's kind of...

Mwah, I'm so sorry I'm late, babe.

Got a new pup at the shelter. Had to get him squirreled away.

Yeah, check it out. Named him Jasper.

Uh, yeah, it's... thanks for...

Looks like Elliot's dog, right?

Meeting me so last minute and everything.

Course.

- Good evening. - Hey.

- Welcome, welcome. - Thank you.

We will start off with the cheesy bread sticks,

and a water for the lady,

and I'll go with a Mountain Dew.

All right, coming right up.

What's up?

Um... so...

I have to tell you something.

Um, I don't know how it happened.

Statistically, it's, like, nearly impossible,