The Threesome

Alright, ladies and gentlemen,

please join me in welcoming

the new Mr. and Mr. Greg Demopolis and Matthew Kang.

I'm genuinely excited to hear why

you're the sole person already eating dinner.

I have to go back to work. I drew the short straw.

Can't leave before the best part.

That's why I'm eating it now.

I'm about to give my toast.

Hmm.

Good for you.

I get it.

You have your makeup on.

You don't want to cry before work.

I hope you wrote jokes as funny as the idea

of me crying at your toast.

Only one way to find out.

But then came Matthew's new assignment,

18 months in Omaha.

Where he apparently made exactly one friend.

I got home to find Greg on the floor of our living room

trying not to freak out,

listening to a Dalai Lama YouTube,

which wasn't really helping

because the Lama's never even had a boyfriend,

much less cross state lines to live with him.

Now, Greg was terrified

that Matthew would learn exactly who he really was,

and not just trivial stuff like

how he makes up random facts

like Mark Twain inventing the bra strap.

No, he did.

He literally did, and he invented standup, Google it.

So, I said to Greg, stay with me,

stay here, and don't worry

about getting your heart broken.

'Cause if there's one thing I know about Greg

is that he will always do the exact opposite

of what I suggest.

So, Greg was in Omaha the next month,

and the rest is history,

which I think proves what I've long believed.

That Dalai Lama sucks.

Or instead,

a heart that's afraid to break

is a heart that's never used.

To Greg and Matt.

To Greg and Matt!

My baby boy has come to visit!

How was the honeymoon?

Dude, I'm a tapped keg.

Remember like the beaches, the food,

the rich Cuban culture.

- You son of a bitch. - What?

I thought that you were here to see me.

I am here to see you.

Okay, you know what I want from you?

I want you to accept what you have with Olivia, all right?

You guys are friends, friends-ish,

friends adjacent, ex-coworkers.

These are all really special beautiful categories.

And as much as I fucking try, no one can take away

that little drunken hump sesh that you two had.

Look, I don't care for your tone, Greg.

And it was one drunken, love-making session.

Did you come when you had sex with her?

Because I don't hear any post-nut clarity.

Connor, God, I hate to be blunt,

but it's time to throw in the towel, honestly.

Greg is a married man now, you need to move on.

I don't give up that easy.

Even when I'm literally begging him to.

So, your toast was a hit, huh?

It was all right. No, it was good.

You hook up with anyone?

I mean, that's how you know if it was good.

I mean, it was a gay wedding.

And straight single girls

famously can't stand gay guys, so.

Yeah, not this gay guy.

They actually find me really offensive.

Yeah, but only half the guests were yours.

All I'm hearing is this is your own special way

of saying you're happy to see me.

Really, is it?

And please keep in mind, the customer is always right.

And please keep in mind,

you're Greg's customer, not mine.

Thank you. - Yep.

Bye.

Listen, buddy, I know it feels really romantic to pine,

but it is a super short walk to creepy.

What'd you do, bring the whole house in your bag?

Hey.

My hands are dirty.

I'm gonna go wash them real quick.

I'll be right back.

Can you give us some breadsticks? Thank you.

- What are you doing here? - She insisted on coming.

- Really? - Tell your chef to stop

making such good food.

We make chicken fingers.

You came to fuck with me like a child

after I very gently ghosted you like an adult.

If seeing me out with my wife fucks with you,

that's not my problem.

Don't twist my words.

Who is she talking to?

No idea.

But you know what's a more interesting idea?

Look over there at that table.

You see her?

Do you know her?

- No, but you're about to. - I'm really not in the mood.

Look, she just got stood up.

She's waiting for a handsome young fella

to go over there and talk to her.

And since that's not happening,

maybe I could go over there instead?

I didn't say that at all.

That's all you, that's all internal.

Look, if you're not gonna do it for her, do it for Olivia.

Show her that another girl sees

how much of a catch you are.

When you told me that you were married,

I thought you'd be low maintenance.

Instead, you're this black hole of needy-ness.

Maybe for once, we skip the mean thing you say to me

that you take back later.

You know, the easier way to skip it

is don't show up at my work.

Thank you guys so much for coming.

Have a great night. - Thank you.

Get a real job, maybe I wouldn't have to.

I'm gonna spit in your food.

- Spit in my mouth. - Read the room, Kevin.

Okay.

Uh, where'd he go? Did he leave?

No, he's just getting started.

Probably nothing. - Hmm.

So, nowhere else, not even a study abroad or?

Well, I've actually never

not lived in my parents' house.

What? It's practical.

Rent is expensive and I can commute to college.

It's easy. - You missed out

on having a terrible roommate who eats all your food

and leaves her dirty underwear around.

- I have that, that's my dad. - Right.

Well, I did have a buddy that went to UALR.

I actually threw up in the fountain one visit.

- That's bad. - Please don't,

don't turn me in.

My loyalty's to my school, I hope you'll understand.

Of course.

I will not tell you what happened in the quad then.

It was worse.

Miss, is this man bothering you?

No, no, not at all.

Because he's wanted in multiple states

for indecent exposure.

- She's kidding. - Oh.

I am kidding, he's my friend.

He used to work here back in the day.

That's how we met.

And we had sex once, technically.

- Why did you add technically? - Okay.

I love your top.

That is so cute. - Thank you.

I never really feel like I have a reason to wear it, so,

Jenny had a pet rabbit as a child,

which committed suicide.

Oh, well, allegedly.

I wasn't home at the time.

And my dad's story doesn't really add up.

I haven't ruled out negligence, so.

I stand corrected.

Her father may have murdered her rabbit.

But in brighter news, you play the viola.

I do, I do.

Well, I play the recorder and my father

murdered my self-confidence.

So, we're modern women cut from the same cloth.

Connor, you have so much to learn from us.

Mm-hmm.

We're about to close, but, you wanna stay?

Yeah, sure.

What are you drinking?

I am so glad you guys talked to me.