Carter

Dave, what are you doing?

You look like a conductor from the Lumberjack Philharmonic

or what I would imagine Martin Short would look like if his leg fell asleep.

Look, Ciccone was the one who stalked us down at the curling rink last night.

He set up a meet at the diner to compare notes on Boyle,

and then he doesn't show?

I mean, did he change his mind?

- Was he gas-lighting us? - I don't know how to answer that.

But hey, man. Hey. What we got here is conflict,

and where there's conflict, there's drama.

And where there's drama, there's an episode!

So, what's our next move? Is it time to spill it?

Are we keying Sam in to what we know?

No, Absolutely not. We keep her out of the loop.

She and Boyle have some sort of connection.

- I don't even know what to call it. - Yeah. Me, neither.

But it's something, right?

Get all our ducks in a row, no waddle, before we make any serious accusations.

Okay. Then what are we doing here?

We are going to sneak into Boyle's office.

- What? - Yeah. We're going to have a little

snoop around.

That still sounds bad. What are we looking for?

Ciccone said to look for a smoking gun.

Everyone, including Boyle, leaves a trail.

- Let's go have a snoop around. - Oh, God.

Okay.

Sam.

Trying that chair out for size?

No. Boyle had a personal day out of town, so he left me in charge.

What? Sam, that's huge!

Look at this! Sam Shaw,

- acting chief of police. - Thanks.

So, if you're acting chief, does that make us

- assistant acting chiefs? - It does not.

Were you guys sneaking in here?

- No, we were coming in to surprise Boyle. - Yeah.

Oh. Surprise him?

Yeah. We were going to apologize for missing his crab boil/fondue thing.

- There was no fondue. - No fondue?

Everybody was there but you two. And he was asking where you were,

and I didn't have anything to tell him. I'm sure you have some entertaining excuse

involving ping-pong paddles

- and some form of snack food. - Actually, Dave had a...

something about Mary zipper thing

- that happened to him. - Yeah. It was like.

Not interested. As you can see, I am pretty busy.

- We got to. - Yeah.

- Bye. - Hey.

- Looking good on the Iron Throne. - I know.

Hey. I just took a drunk and disorderly call.

I thought you might want to come for this one.

- You can't handle a D and D by yourself? - Well,

the perp is asking for you by name. And he's singing

- "September" by Earth Wind and Fire. - That's my favourite song.

Let's go.

I knew she'd fall for the old Earth Wind and Fire hook.

Hey, you do know that making a false police report

- is 100 percent illegal, right? - No. I didn't make the call.

I got Barn Phillips to make the call,

and he will be 100 percent drunk and disorderly

when they show up. I gave him purpose and $500 bucks.

Let's go look for some dirt.

What police chief do you know?

- Who has a copy of Sense and Sensibility? - A boring one.

Holy crap. This isn't just a book. This is a first edition copy!

This thing is worth thousands of dollars! I mean, all of these are...

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

Ciccone was right.

Boyle is swimming in ill-gotten gains.

Hey, Dave, do you remember when I told you I went to Mel Gibson's house

and he showed me his collection of couches?

Okay. Honestly, I have never heard the words "Mel Gibson" and "couches"

used in the same sentence before.

I told you this story. Mel Gibson gave me a tour

of all these couches that he collects. They're amazing.

Now, he's labelled all the couches. Some are labelled "S" for "sit,"

and others are labelled "NS" for "no sit." Most of Mel's couches are NS.

Okay. I feel like you're yanking my chain here.

He showed me a Domonkos couch. It was beautiful,

the most beautiful couch I've ever seen.

This is a Domonkos couch.

I'm telling you, Mel made me smell it.

Smell this couch.

That's a Domonkos.

Okay. That means there's going to be some sort

- of compartment or something under here. - Hey. No. I got it. I found it.

- Just a little more. - Oh, it smells.

- Wait. No. - It smells good.

- Oh, Dave, I got something. - What?

- You got something? - I got something.

Okay.

Dave.

Password. What password would Boyle use?

- I got it. P-O-S-E-R. - Okay. No.

Was it worth the joke? Because now, we have

two more chances before we're locked out.

Alright. We got to think like Boyle. What's...

What's on Boyle's mind 24/7?

H-A-R-L-E-Y.

The man is obsessed with me.

And his motorcycle, you narcissist.

Oh, yeah.

What the hell? Broadway Global Inc., Panama.

Gillingham Consolidated, the Seychelles. What are these?

Off-shore accounts, like those used by drug traffickers

to launder or hide drug money.

Oh, there's over $3 million in this one alone.

And what's with all these addresses?

- I'm going to take it. - No, you can't take it!

He'll know it's gone. Look, I got it. I got this.

We are not taking any cases this week.

I don't care what kind of trouble blows into town.

Someone call the police! We've been robbed!

Go!

Carter

Yeah.

What, something make sense with those addresses?

No, it's that rock star detective theme music

that's going to score this investigative vibe

- that we got going on. Okay. - Cool.

All of these are addresses that Boyle has paid property taxes on.

He's got so much money, he's just buying up

random properties in Bishop.

The theory being, if you have stolen money that needs laundering,

Bishop wouldn't be a bad place to do it.

Oh, yeah. You're hearing the music, too.

Tomorrow morning, we got to go back to Ciccone's motel room,

try and find him.

- You looking at that girl? - No. Not really.

Yeah, you were. You were checking her out!

- Go and talk to her! - What? No.

No. She wouldn't be interested.

- Let's just stick to the case, alright? - What's with that attitude?

You're never going to meet anyone. Dave, I keep telling you,

you got to make moves, okay? You got to pull some triggers.

You got to act on your impulses.

- Act on impulses? - Yeah! Look. You don't talk to her,

you never see her again.

But you go and talk to her, you don't know what'll happen.

You've got to take a chance. Okay.

You know what? Here.

- What're you doing? That's my beer. - No.

Oh, great.

Okay. Yeah.

This is the beer you were drinking.

The night your life changed forever.

And I signed it, so it's worth a lot more money now.

Wow. That's arrogant.

Dave Leigh is officially open for business.

Okay. Thank you, Harl. I appreciate it. But man, this just...it's not my style.

I don't have have that thing that you have that...

Oh, God. Oh, no.

Tears for Fears and Cardi B.

- Says a lot about you. - Oh? What does it say about me?

- That you're spontaneous, curious, fun. - Not bad.

- And you are? - Oh. I'm taken.

I didn't see a ring. You have a girlfriend?

No, just a huge ego, so there's only room for the two of us.

But you see that long glass of water at the bar.

The one with the luscious beard, flannel shirt,

little bit of chest hair tickling out of the top button?

I see him. He's cute.

That there is my best bud, Dave,

and he is the most primo catch in town.

- Also, loves Cardi B. - Does he, now?

Dave, this is Willow. Willow, this is Dave.

- Well, hello, Dave. - Hi. Hello. Nice to meet you.

Willow, don't keep him up too late. We have a very important meeting

- in the morning. - He's a joker. He's funny.

- Open for business. - Okay.

You're hilarious. Thank you.

- Stop! - Yes! I'm telling you.

So, that's when I decided, "I got to do one of those home DNA test jobbies."

- Yes! - Yeah.

- I want to do that. - But I haven't got the results back yet.

Yeah. I think I am probably seven percent Dutch.

- Seven, specifically? - Yes.

Possibly royalty.

Yeah. So, to prepare for that, I've been eating only

- traditional pannenkoeken. - Panne...

- Dutch pancakes. - Okay.

And I've been thinking about changing my name to Dirck.

- Stop it! - Yeah! Why not? I could be Dirck.

Although I was going to do that,

and then I looked it up. It turns out it means

"small ditch by the side of road."

- Oh, my God. - And that's really not me.

- I'm more of a big ditch kind of guy. - Yeah. No.

- Absolutely. I can see that. - Yeah.

Your friend was right. You are great.

You're just, like, a big, fun, cuddly, teddy bear softy man.

Not true. No, I think you pegged me all wrong. I'm a bad boy.

Yeah. I'm dangerous. I'm the kind of guy who pulls triggers.

Perfect. Been looking to find a man like you

- for a long time. - You mean a Dutch prince named Dirck.

- Exactly! - Who's got the big ditch.

You got to tell me what you had to barter with Florida Project back there

to get him to give you the key to Ciccone's room.