Steve Martin and Martin Short: An Evening You Will Forget for the Rest of Your Life

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Steve Martin!

Thank you!

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Wow!

Thank you so much! It's not necessary.

Thank you.

Thank you. Please be seated.

Marty couldn't make it. Have a safe ride home.

Right off the top, I want to apologize for ticket prices.

I know from your point of view, you're thinking, "It's only two guys.

Why is it so expensive?"

But you know, it takes 18 people to put this show on.

We have two sound engineers.

We have a lighting director. We have seven musicians on stage.

We have someone to walk my Fitbit around.

We have an intermediary,

because Marty and I no longer speak to each other.

We have a celebrity lookalike in case I don't feel like going on.

Steve says hi, by the way.

But ladies and gentlemen,

right now I am so excited to introduce a man I love to work with.

A man I met over 30 years ago.

A man...

a man...

a man who is...

a man who is so, so talented in so many different ways.

He sings. He dances.

He's an incredible musician

and I consider him to be the real star of the show tonight.

Mr. Jeff Babko on piano, ladies and gentlemen.

- Thanks, Steve! You know, I thought... - Thank you, Jeff.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to introduce a man

who's as funny as a barrel of monkeys... But that's it.

Mr. Martin Short!

I love this end the best!

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen!

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Just because I say "thank you" doesn't mean you have to stop applauding.

I can't tell you how humble...

your response makes a huge star like me feel.

Please be seated.

How are we on time?

- We just started. - Oh, I see.

All we ask...

Damn this Greenville altitude!

Melissa!

- It's Jeff. - Jeff!

Let's try that top note one more time, shall we?

Damn! Son of a bitch!

Thank you so much!

But stop loving just me. Remember Steve's here too.

You know, Marty, it's been a long-time dream of mine to perform a two-man show

right here at the Peace Center with you in Grinville...

- Greenville! - Grinville?

- Grinville! - Grinville?

Greenville. You know, I shouldn't have had that Motrin. Anyway...

In Greenville... South Carolina.

Tonight...

Anyway, tonight, I feel I am one step closer to that dream.

You know what?

- Steve! - Let's just leave that as is.

Steve, you'd tell me if you'd had a stroke, wouldn't you?

But you're right. It is a thrill.

It's actually more than a thrill.

It's an obligation.

Steve and I call this show If We'd Saved, We Wouldn't Be Here.

- Good night, everybody! - Hey!

- Marty! - No!

I looked online at the Peace Center website and there were our photos

and across them were written the words "sold out."

And I thought...

how rude.

Let me just say, Steve...

truthfully, what an honor it is for me to be standing next to a man

who is a novelist, a playwright, a musician, a composer...

and a legendary comedian.

And let me say what an honor it is for me to be standing next to the man

who is standing next to that man.

You know, Steve, of all the people

that I have a fake show business relationship with,

I feel fake closest to you.

Buddy!

Oh, by the way, when Marty and I fly together,

we save a lot of money,

because Marty fits conveniently in the overhead bin.

True. Absolutely true.

Let me just say, I am such a fan.

I mean, I see your work and I'm whelmed.

I think I've seen Cheaper by the Dozen over 500 times.

Wow! Thank you!

Every time I see it, I say the same thing.

"Steve, you know, we could watch something else."

You know what I love about touring around with Marty Short?

No paparazzi.

When I think of Steve...

And it's not often. But when I do...

the one thing that strikes me more than anything else about you

is how unbelievably pale you are in person.

It's like I'm being haunted, you know? No, really.

I mean, you look like a page in a coloring book

that hasn't been colored yet.

Steve once got a sunburn from his Kindle reader. You know?

You look like Anderson Cooper froze to death on New Year's Eve.

Yes, you do!

Thank you. Thank you.

You look like someone put a white toupee on a urinal.

Hey, listen to me. I'm not trying to be negative.

No, I can tell!

- Why? - But out of curiosity,

how far into the embalming process did they get

before you woke up screaming?

It must have been frightening for you.

We should explain something. It sounds like we are insulting each other,

but we're actually not. This is the way we pay compliments in Hollywood.

That's correct. It's true.

Hollywood compliments are a lot like regular compliments.

But they have a slight passive aggressive dig at the end.

- I'll give you an example. - Yeah.

Steve, you know, it's truly an honor for me

to be performing with the world's biggest star...

from 1978.

Oh, Marty, that is so sweet!

And I often hear people refer to you as a whole entertainer.

Well, I added the word "entertainer."

And may I say that you look fantastic?

And I guess that's the charm of looking 70 since you were 30.

Burn!

Hey, Marty, you know I think of you as a Renaissance Man,

and not just because you carry smallpox.

You know, I...

I don't often use the word "genius."

- And? - Nothing.

You know, the other day, Steve butt-dialed me,

which was so impressive,

considering he still uses a rotary phone.

When did you add that?

- Tonight. - OK!

And by the way, I loved you on Fallon the other night. Oh, my God!

- Your comedy was so effortless. - Thank you.

And I kept thinking, I wonder how it'd be if you'd put a little effort into it.

- Did you see me on Ellen? - No, I missed that.

Of course. What am I thinking? That's on at 3 p.m.

And that's when you're having dinner.

By the way, Martin Short is also the name I use

when I check into a hotel and want to be anonymous.

Thirty-five years later and you're still the jerk.

And that's how we do it in Hollywood.

Steve and I feel that you, the audience, might like to get to know us better.

Yes. And the reason we think that

- is because we're egomaniacs. - Correct.

So we'd like to share with you some of the hidden gems

- from our family photo collections. - Yes.

These are rarely, if ever, seen private photos.

- Absolutely. - Let's look at the first one.

This is Marty when he was just two years old. Adorable.

That's cute, isn't it?

My dark period. Look at that.

And here's a shot of me on Christmas morning when I was six years old.

Let me ask you something, Steve.

When the guy sold you that Christmas tree...

how hard was he laughing?

This was taken when I was just a young boy in Texas.

And it's a photo of my first marriage.

- Next! - Let's go to the next one.

- Ooh! - Aww...

Here's a photo of me when I was 13 years of age

on the beach with my parents.

That's really you?

Because at first I thought it was Winnie the Pooh.

You know what's amazing about this photo?

How well my parents are hiding their disappointment.

Oh, and then now that's me at 15.

My first trip to New York City. That's my mom and two brothers.

We went from Hamilton, Ontario, Canada to New York City.

The first trip to New York.

And we were at the Latin Quarter nightclub.

Now that, that's impressive.

Your family drove you down from Canada to New York City

to see a nightclub show. That's pretty sophisticated.

- Do you remember the name of the show? - Sure.

It was the late Bea Arthur's one-woman show entitled.

You Got It In There, Now Get It Out.

Well, I guess we'll work that out later.

Now, let's see the next one.

Oh, yes. This was me

right before I was sent away to camp to pray the gay away.

There you go.

Marty, I love this picture of you as a teenager.

Yes.

It was taken right before I created Apple in my garage.