A Legacy of Whining

Ah.

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- My name is Blutarsky, Detective Blutarsky,

from, uh, from.

- Detective Blutarsky,

that's from Downtown Division.

Downtown, downtown.

Come on, Mitch.

My name's Blutarsky, Detective Blutarsky,

from Downtown Division.

Listen, fellow, don't try anything stupid.

A guy like you, strapped down with 50 pounds

of ex, explosives, uh, ah.

- Please don't do anything stupid, fellow.

A man like you strapped down with 50 pounds of dynamite.

Ah.

Dynamite, dynamite of course.

Come on, Mitch, get your thespian act together.

How, oh, how do you do, my good madam?

An actor never misses his or her opportunity

to hone their craft, don't you know?

Hey, mister.

Give a little something to help a brother out?

Just a sec.

I have to take this.

Hello?

Yep, yeah, I'm glad you called.

Hey, look, when I order a dog,

just send me something without a paw,

or missing a limb, or something, anything.

I need to bring up the sympathy factor.

Yeah, well my revenue's down 20%.

No, three o'clock is out of the question.

I've got an appointment with my broker.

Hang on a second.

Hey, hey, mister, see you on the way out?

Listen.

Are you a cop?

- Uh, no, but I hope to play one soon on TV.

I have a big audition tomorrow morning.

- You, by rights, you must identify yourself

as a law enforcement officer if I ask.

I'm not following.

I offer two price packages,

based on my buggy's two speed options.

Uh, pardon me, madam?

- Yes, you can have oral at a slower pace.

Uh.

- Or you can have it at a faster rate.

But I'll have to charge you extra.

Because of the wear and tear on my batteries.

So.

Are we going to make this happen, or what?

I mean, I've got a couple of customers

over in Domestic Departures,

they won't be wasting time kicking tires

like you are.

So let me get this straight.

You just scoot around the airport all day long,

evading airport security, while offering passersby

random acts of mechanized fellatio?

I knew it!

Your aftershave smells like bacon.

Nice try, officer.

Ha!

Vaya con dios!

- That's quite the sign you have there.

Listen, I don't want to be overly intrusive,

but, uh, are you sure someone's not playing

some kind of practical joke on you, I mean,

you are holding a sign that says.

It's the name of a film.

If you must know.

- Attention passengers, final call for boarding.

- It's not one of those teenage vampire movies, is it?

I mean, I don't understand what's so scary

about teenage vampires.

Back in my day, we had Dracula, uh, we had Nosferatu,

and let's not forget good old Blacula.

I mean, those guys were scary.

Spending a lifetime, suffering the pangs of the undead.

I mean, those guys had character.

I mean, these adolescent vampires today,

I mean, it's like, "Uh, uh dude, I'd really like

"to suck your blood, but it's like, uh, I got to

"download a new app for my phone, so, maybe I'll

"suck your blood later."

You have a serious credibility problem as a vampire

if you've only just started sprouting pubic hair.

It's an erotic motion picture.

I was hired to pick up the cast and take them

to the Adult Film Convention.

So, if you don't mind.

That reminds me.

Have you ever seen the movie Magic Mike?

I mean, hear you have this supposedly sizzling

expose' of the world of male strippers,

and yet, there's isn't even like an ounce of full

frontal male nudity in the whole movie.

I mean, how does that happen?

That is like a totally typical Hollywood double standard

when it comes to nudity.

It's ridiculous.

You know, I'm actually waiting for an

old high school friend.

Yeah, we haven't seen each other in 30 years.

Can you believe that?

Oh, oh, how time does fly.

Just seems like yesterday I was like cramming

for like a big biology exam, or worried about a new

outbreak of pimples.

Can you believe that?

Ah.

Wow.

- Oh, my God, you guys, we got a chauffeur!

Oh, wow!

Yeah.

We need a picture.

Let's ask this old man.

- Oh, um, Sir, would you be a doll?

Hey, are you ladies ready?

- Okay, smile and say venereal disease.

Yeah.

- Attention passengers.

Hey!

Wow!

Same old Mitch.

Standing around daydreaming.

- Hey, I was being totally vigilant searching

for you, I swear to God.

Vigilant.

That's another thing I always loved about you,

using big words like that.

Come here!

What?

- Pretty spiffy jacket you got there, Mitch.

- Oh, this is my, uh, 1970's disillusioned cop look.

I got a big audition tomorrow morning at nine a.m. sharp.

- Yeah, right, I remember you mentioning you were

dabbling in that stuff.

- Well, this is all part of my whole

sensory experience, Dunc.

It's like uh, this is all really important when

you're in the world of the thespian.

You thespians?

What?

Come on, Dunc.

Thespians, everybody knows that means actor.

Come on.

Whatever.

Look, I'm really glad to be here after all these years.

No, no, no, hey, I got this.

- Maybe I should grab that, Mitch.

No, no, it's okay.

Isn't there supposed to be some kind of uh,

weight limitations on these things?

It feels like you've got a minivan in here.

- Hey, Mitch, did you see a bunch of smoking

hot girls come through here?

Man, they were sitting up front in first class.

Shit.

All that amazing pussy onboard and I have to get

stuck back with some old fart.

Snoring on my shoulder.

My car's this way, Dunc.

- Sure my bag's not too heavy for you,

hey, Mitch?

Oh, no problem, Dunc.

Maybe when I'm done lugging this thing around,

I'll be able to audition for the role of Quasimodo.

- Jesus, Mitch, where the fuck did you park,

on the runway?

- Hey, Dunc, it's not like it's in the movies

where the protagonist always gets to scooch

into the best parking spots, you know.

You know, Dunc, these suitcases?

They actually come with wheels now.

I'm just saying.

- Please, tell me that's your fucking car, Mitch.