Fifty Shades of Black

Give me that!

Move!

Hey, sir! Sir! Come back!

I've gotta get outta here.

Boo, boo, boo, hey, hey, hey.

Girl, you got that list of questions?

Yes.

I think I have everything that I need.

Be happy you ain't got this chlamydia, all right?

Ooh, girl, I tried to take a piss earlier,

it was like there was an angry dragon inside my snatch,

you know, like some Game of Thrones shit!

That's terrible, Kateesha.

I can't help it when a tall, athletic brother

come pushing up on this thickness.

Ooh, yeah... Oh, shit!

Oh, God, girl, I thank God every motherfucking day

that the SuperSonics moved to Oklahoma. Shit.

Okay, I'm gonna go so I won't be late for your interview.

What the fuck are you wearing, girl?

There ain't no camouflage, no fishnets and no fluorescent colors.

How they gonna see you in the dark, bitch? How they gonna see you?

I gotta go.

Wow, so big.

Oh, I'm sorry.

If you're looking for the homeless shelter, it's two doors down.

Oh, no, I'm... I'm Hannah Steale.

I'm here to see Mr. Black.

The college bitch. May I take your coat?

Yes, please. Thank you.

Ew...

Follow me.

In case you're wondering,

I'm the hot secretary who's fucking the boss,

which means there's no room for the dopey intern

with the damaged hair and the cankles.

Come here.

Ugh!

That's the smell of his balls

after lunch and two games of racquetball.

Mmm...

Have a nice day, Ms. Steale.

Plain-ass bitch.

Ow! My neck. Ow. Ooh.

You...

Oh, shit!

I guess I should've tried pulling.

Ms. Kavahellnah.

Christian Black.

Are you okay?

I think so, yeah.

Good, 'cause you got fucked up!

I mean, you hit that statue like a hard-charging rhino,

and I say rhino because you're a lot fatter than I thought,

and you got this bump on your nose

that resembles a small horn. Um...

Maybe you wanna get that squeezed. Okay.

A little Proactiv on it.

I'm not Ms. Kavahellnah.

You ain't Ms. Kavahellnah?

Who the fuck are you? My name is Hannah Steale.

I'm studying literature

with Kateesha at the university.

Oh.

Please, have a seat.

Thank you. You're welcome.

No.

No. So, what do you want?

Jesus Christ! Just spit it out!

A pencil.

A pencil... You should've just said that in the beginning!

Gosh! Here, take 'em!

Jesus! Thank you.

You gotta get your shit together, Ms. Steale.

Shit.

These are Kateesha's questions, okay?

"You have mad stacks of cash."

"How'd you get it, and can I get some?"

Oh... Ms. Steale.

I got my money

the way most black entrepreneurs got theirs.

Real estate? Drug dealing.

See, you have to know your business inside and out.

I smoked crack. Not for long,

but just long enough to know what a penis tastes like.

Tastes like raw rump roast.

Mmm. Ew!

I got all ashy, like E.T. when he was sick in the river.

I lost six essential teeth.

Have you ever tried to eat steak with one molar?

No. Why would I do that?

Gnaw and suck.

Gnaw and suck. It's hard.

Could be that you're lucky. No.

Keanu Reeves is lucky.

Flo Rida is lucky.

Iggy Azalea is lucky.

Yeah, he's lucky.

Next question.

"Is you gay, or is you gay as a motherfucker?"

Just because you touch a penis doesn't mean you're gay.

Especially if it's for money or crack.

You're only gay if you enjoy touching penis.

You touch a penis with attitude, like... "I don't really like this."

That ain't gay. It's just exploratory.

You said you're an English major.

Was it Chaucer, Shelley or Keats

that first made you fall in love with literature?

It was Seuss. Seuss!

Cat in the Hat, Thing 1 and Thing 2. And Thing 2!

I mean, who doesn't wanna be them?

Well, you know, me and my brother were Thing 1

and Thing 2 for Halloween this year.

Really? Yeah. Check this out.

Oh, my God, look at both of you!

We called 'em Thang 1 and Thang 2.

That's amazing.

What if I wanted to hire you?

I don't know. I see the way the women dress around here.

I don't exactly fit in.

You know, despite the Salvation Army sweater,

the greasy weaves,

and your big ol' Usher nose,

there's something oddly attractive about you.

Yeah, you're like the little ugly runt

in a litter full of pretty puppies.

You know, the little ugly one that nobody wants to touch.

You're, all hairless and big-eyed and wild-looking.

But you just wanna take you home and give you love,

or stuff you in a sack with a bunch of rocks

and just toss your little ugly ass

at the bottom of the ocean.

Just put you out your misery.

Oh. Okay.

Thank you, Mr. Black.

Please, call me Christian.

Christian. I hope I answered all your questions.

You certainly did.

Hannah. Christian.

Ooh, shit!

Oh, God!

Oh!

Jesus Christ!

Oh, God, make it stop!

White girls, get that elevator fixed.

Ooh, Hannah!

So, how was he?

He was all right, I guess.

Oh, shit! You fucked him, girl! I knew that shit!

Yeah, girl, get that dick, girl, get that dick.

What? Uh! Get that dick! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Take it to town, motherfucker. Get that dick.

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Shit, girl, yeah! Ooh!

So, did he have a big dick?

What? Ooh, girl, was it like real skinny, girl,

or was it like real long, like skinny long?

'Cause that's fucking weird.

But, like, short and thick, girl?

I can get down with that short, fat dick.

No, there is... There's no... There's no dick.

Remember what I told you, okay?

If it's got like little red zit-like things on the head of that shit,

you put that in your butt, okay?

He gonna be like, "Oh, girl, no, it's just skin tags."

"Bitch, you got 47 skin tags on your dick?

"I ain't falling for that shit.

"Again!" Okay?

Mmm, but you gotta admit, girl, he is bangin'! Mmm!

Yeah, I guess if you're into the wildly-successful,

super-handsome, possibly-dangerous thing,

then Christian Black is your guy.

Bitch, I'm talkin' 'bout Lil Weezy!

Ooh, girl, he got tats on his tats.

And he ain't afraid to get a bitch pregnant.

Let you keep the baby and everythin'.

Mmm.

You gonna eat that?

Ooh, I wish I could find a man the size of this to satisfy me.

This shit better be gluten-free.

Hmm, Mr. Black.

Oh, God.

Mmm... God, Christian.

Mmm...

Oh, my God, you know what I wanna do.

Hi. What the fuck?

What a pleasant surprise, Ms. Steale.

Please, call me Hannah.

Okay, Ms. Steale.

I was just in the area and wanted to pick up a few items.

Are you stalking me, Mr. Black?

Yes.

I mean, unless you don't want me to.

You do want me to, don't you?

Just something to think about.

Can I help you with something?

Yes.

I would like to pick up some cable ties and some tape.

Well, you're in luck, we got some cable ties right here.

What color do you want? Red.