Anger Management

So I'm buying this bag and the lady tells me

there's extra pockets inside

to keep my kid's snacks in.

And I'm like, "Does this body look like it's had a child, bitch?"

So she calls her manager and...

And you make out with him so he looks the other way

and you steal the bag.

Patrick, I told everybody at the beginning of session

if you interrupt and don't have something deeply personal to say...

ahem...

...you have to suffer the consequences.

- Stick out your tongue. - Not the habañero sauce.

Rules are rules. Tongue.

Now, here's the antidote,

but you don't get it until you say something

personal and revealing.

My father never loved me.

Something we don't know.

I write erotic fan fiction

based on old reruns of "The Facts of Life."

Not good enough.

Last night Tootie made Blair wear a saddle.

That's milk worthy.

Send me a copy.

Hey, Charlie. Oh, sorry, I thought you'd be done by now.

I just came by to tell Nolan

that I sold all 16 of your grandmother's silver teakettles

on eBay in three hours.

That's great. I really need the cash.

I'm always saying to my pot dealer,

"I don't know where all my money goes."

- That's all. I'm gonna go. - Too late. New rules.

When you interrupt my group,

you get habañero sauce on your tongue.

You gotta be kidding me.

Tongue.

Now, to get the milk,

say something personal and revealing.

My ex-husband cheated on me with the babysitter

and he's a dick.

Very good, no names, please.

Ahem. Where were we?

You were fixing to wind up the session.

No, I wasn't. We still have, like, 20 minutes left.

It was worth a try.

Hey, Charlie.

Sorry to interrupt.

Your girlfriend's gotta do it, too.

I'm sorry, sweetie.

Anybody who interrupts the group

has to put hot sauce on their tongue.

Oh, all right.

Anyway, I got great news.

I got the permit from the city for my halfway house.

Well, congratulations.

Hey, guys, Sasha is opening up a place

where prostitutes can live so they're not on the streets.

Damn, how do you do that? Your eyes aren't even watering.

Oh. I had this freaky client from Japan

who used to pay big bucks to watch me eat ghost peppers.

So, yeah, this? It's nothing.

Your girlfriend is such an inspiration for women everywhere.

I mean, who would've thought you could make money

by eating food in front of Japanese businessmen?

Clearly, you missed the point.

I'll cut you in on my teakettle money

if you look me in the eye

while you eat a bag of potato chips.

Okay.

All right, guys. Next week, if you go off on a tangent,

you have to snort a line of wasabi.

I will not be defeated.

So great news about the halfway house.

Well, actually, I'm a little nervous.

I told the girls to cut ties with their pimps

and that I'd take them to the new place tonight.

Well, what's there to be nervous about?

I mean, pimps are usually pretty understanding people, right?

Well, the contractor just called

and the halfway house isn't gonna be ready for two days.

So they've got nowhere to stay.

Okay, now I'm getting nervous.

Come on, Charlie. It'd only be a couple of days.

Please?

I don't know.

Where are they gonna sleep?

I don't have enough towels.

And they can't even eat cereal for breakfast

because I just used up all my milk.

Please?

All right, fine.

Anger Management 2x78 Charlie and the Houseful of Hookers

Ladies, ladies, look.

I know that you all just got here,

but please stop using my Vaseline.

Especially after you've been eating cheese puffs.

I bet it was Kimmy. You know she got them alligator elbows.

Which are, mysteriously, cheese puff-free.

I got sandwiches, everybody.

You cut the crust off their sandwiches?

You don't have to coddle them.

Angelina's eating cheese puffs dipped in Vaseline.

I just want them to know they're cared for.

Truth is, they're just lost little girls.

- I'll cut you, bitch. - Screw you, whore.

I think I know why no one's trying to find them.

You don't even know how to play the game.

- Don't touch me. - Hey, hey, hey. What's going on?

Nikki picked up the eight ball,

asked it a question and shook it.

When you touch the balls, you forfeit the game.

- Is that true, Charlie? - Uh, well, yeah, those are the rules.

Ah. I'm gonna kill you as soon as you fall asleep.

I understand.

All right, you handle this. I'm gonna go find a weapon

and drink a case of Red Bull.

Charlie, wait.

I just got a text from my mom.

- There has been a terrible accident. - What happened?

Well, her neighbor has this chimpanzee...

Oh, no. I've heard about this.

She offered the monkey some food and it tore her face off?

No, no. It's the monkey's birthday

and she went to get it a card

and she fell in the store and hit her head.

When are people going to learn that these are wild animals

that don't care about cards?

- I mean, is she okay? - She might have to have surgery

- and I've got to go. - Well, of course you do...

in a couple of days when all the girls are out of the house, right?

I know it is a lot to leave you with.

You're the only one I trust to look after them.

- So, will you do it? - Yeah, I'll be fine.

It's just me and a house full of hookers.

I've been training for this moment my whole life.

Hey, Charlie. Your car's parked out on your front lawn.

- How the hell did it get there? - That's where I left it.

- You took my car? - Don't accuse me like that.

Yes, I did.

If my pimp's not gonna drive me around anymore,

I need to learn how. I did good, too.

I only hit two of your neighbors' mailboxes.

"Char-wie," it's my turn in the shower.

I'm scared to be "a-wone" up there.

Would you come in with me?

Yeah, look, it'd be different if I wasn't with Sasha

or if I was completely deaf.

But I'm sorry, that's not gonna happen.

Okay, well, if you change your mind

and you wanna join me...

I will rock your world.

That's a hard one, I knew you could do it.

Good call. That bitch is crazy.

Hello.

What's the deal with all the women?

They're a bunch of hookers who don't hook anymore.

Oh, no. What happened?

Apparently the American dream of selling your body

on the street to strangers doesn't pan out for everyone.

- Sasha dumped 'em on me. - Listen, I hope you can get away

because a buddy of mine who manages The Roxy

told me that the Rolling Stones

are playing a secret show there tonight.

The Roxy? That place is tiny.

That close we could definitely

steal a vial of whatever's making Keith Richards immortal.

Dude, it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Nobody even knows about it. They're playing under the name "Ruby Tuesdays."

Oh, it's... it sounds awesome, but I can't.

I promised Sasha I'd keep an eye on the girls until she got back.

All right, so you're gonna miss the greatest rock band in the world

to not bang five hookers?

Look, I got to do the responsible thing here.

Trick Jordan into watching them

so I can go to the concert.

Those girls will eat her alive.

You're right, you're right, but she's the only person I know

who definitely will not have plans on a Saturday night.

Hey, Jordan.

What are you doing tonight?

Oh, really?

Coming.

Hey, Nolan. What are you doing here?

I won't have your money for a couple days.

It's not that.

I figured out why the teakettles sold so quickly.

Oh, I know why, Nolan.

It's because I put the word "rare" in the description.

Yeah, it could be that.

Or it could be because every picture of a teakettle

has a reflection of your naked boobs.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. It was, uh, hot.

I was cleaning the house.

I took my shirt off

and then I decided to take the pictures and...

- I feel so stupid! - Oh, don't feel bad.

People make mistakes like this on eBay a lot.

I've seen boobs reflected in cars, toasters, mirrors.

Sometimes you have to spend a whole day looking.