Last Tango in Halifax

That is the most selfish, mindless piece of driving

I have ever witnessed.

Keep your hair on, I'll be under 60 seconds.

Idiot. Snotty bitch.

Some braindead, lowlife, trailer trash stole my parking space.

And you've met my daughter? Sorry?

Now then, we've got some news for you.

We're getting married.

You're very pretty. You're magnificent.

This marriage is over! It is dead! It is redundant!

It never was!

We made love.

It was my birthday, we were both a bit pissed.

'He's in hospital. He were rushed in last night. He had a heart attack.'

Did I come to see you last night?

Alan? Or were I dreaming?

Yes, you did. You came to see me.

I love you.

He's come round, he's regained consciousness.

'Oh, Mum!'

Gillian's just in with him just now. She's just chatting to him.

Alan's come round.

'And are they...?'

Is he, erm...? Are they confident he's going to...?

Well, I mean, it's early days but he seems very perky.

'You mustn't tire him.'

I'm not going to tire him!

I love you.

I love you.

I think I love Celia as well.

So do I.

Hey, you can keep your hands off her. She's mine.

What are you going to do?

Are you going to stay with us here, or are you...?

Oh, I think I'd like to be on hand over the next few days,

just till we know what's what. I mean, if that's...

It's wonderful, it's perfect.

Do you want me to drive over to Harrogate, fetch any of your things?

No, no. You don't want to be setting off, you need to be here.

No, I'll get Lady Muck to bring over a few bits and pieces.

She won't mind.

Celia... What?

I just... Can I just...

What, love?

..hug you? Oh!

Thank you.

Thank you for making him so happy

and thank you for bringing him back.

Do you know? I think I did.

No, I know you did.

Now, you mustn't fall out with him again.

Oh, well, it was him that fell out with me.

Yeah, well, whatever. You know what I'm saying.

I am never going to fall out with him again.

Ever! About anything.

There you go, ladies.

You're a gem, and a star. Thanks, love.

I've penned that ewe up on her own in t'barn and I've made a lasagne.

There's enough for everybody, if Caroline wants something when she gets here.

Have you any idea how good he's been?

It's ME. Are you packing me that suitcase?

I have packed you that suitcase.

Robbie says he'll have a bit of supper ready for you when you get here, if you like.

'Oh, that's lovely.'

Thank you, tell him. 'And Gillian says you're welcome to stop

'the night, if you don't fancy turning round

'and driving straight back.' OK. Great. Why not?

So we'll see you in a bit.

Yeah, bye. 'Drive carefully.'

Yeah, I will. Bye-bye.

Why don't I pop over with her bits and pieces? You?

Well, it'll save you time and... The best thing you can do, if you want to be useful,

is stay here with the boys cos I might stay over there.

Why? Well, just tonight. Why not?

They're old enough to... why don't I come with you?

Come... What for?

Well, so I can apologise to everyone for...

Well, it was all my fault, wasn't it? How?

Well, if I hadn't told Celia about you being...

And then if she hadn't reacted so badly to that,

Alan wouldn't have seen how

small-minded and bigoted she...can be

and then if they hadn't fallen out about that,

he might not have got upset and had...had...had the...

the heart attack.

But it really is all about you, isn't it?

That's... That's just...

When I get back, we really do need to work out what's what

and whose is what and all the rest of it.

Boys!

I'm off over to Halifax.

Dad's going to be here.

I'm on my mobile if you want me. I'll see you later.

PHONE BEEPS Mum, you've got a text.

PHONE BEEPS

'Halifax?'

Yeah! He's come round, he's regained consciousness.

'Oh!'

Yeah, he's going to be fine. Well, we hope.

'That's...' I know.

..fantastic. 'So I'll be back tomorrow.'

Oh. So, we're not doing anything tonight, then?

Well, we left it up in the air, didn't we?

So, is that all right?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, course.

We'll do something tomorrow.

Good.

Can I just check your blood pressure, Mr Buttershaw?

Hm? Oh, yes.

How are you feeling? I'm very happy.

I was watching you. You and your wife.

You're just so completely in love with each other, aren't you?

She's not my wife yet.

But I do think we need to get on with it.

We are popping up back to the hospital again, aren't we, Gillian?

This evening? Absolutely. I'd like to.

Do you need me to come?

Why? Have you got plans?

Ellie.

Who? Girlfriend. She's not my girlfriend.

PHONE VIBRATES She running rings round you again?

She's not like that. What is she like?

She does blow hot and cold.

Oh, you don't want that. Life's too short. We're just mates.

She uses you. She doesn't use me.

She damn well does! Once.

What happened? Nothing.

They had a date. "Date."

Only she stood him up cos she got a better offer.

Yeah, nice(!) Bitch.

That ain't what happened. Is.

How would you describe it? PHONE RINGS

Well, I'd be minding me own business.

John? What's he want?

Hello? 'Celia! Hi.'

'What's up?'

Just ringing to let you know that Caroline's just set off, just now.

Right.

Probably be with you in an hour, an hour and a half.

Right. 'How is he?'

Alan?

'Well, it's early days, but he's conscious anyway.

'Didn't she tell you?'

Good. Yes! She did.

Is...? Could I...? Is Gillian there?

Gillian? Yes, she's here, and Raff and Robbie.

Could I...? Could I speak to her? 'Gillian?'

Yes. 'What for?'

'Well, just...just...'

It's John. He's asking to speak to you.

What about?

Hello?

Gillian. 'Yes.'

It's John.

Yes.

Hi. Yes?

'Look... Sorry. I realise you're cross with me.'

Am I?

Yeah. Aren't you?

'For getting drunk and making a fuss

'and spilling the beans about Caroline to Celia and...'

Oh!

..so forth.

Well, it's all water under t'bridge now, so...

'Good. Good. Is it?'

Gone and forgotten.

Good. Good. Well, that's good.

Bye, then.

No. Wait.

Then, there's the other thing.

The other thing?

'Could we...? I'd like to see you again.'

Right. Well, that's... That's not...

The thing is. Oh, God.

Hello?

I think I'm a little bit in love with you.

Right. Right. OK.

Well. That's...not exactly my problem as such, is it?

You can't talk. Obviously.

And there is that.

'Maybe... Could we...meet up?

'Somewhere? Sometime?' No.

I don't mind popping over.

Did you get my text message? Please don't say no.

I don't think I could...

OK, so shall I give you back to Celia?

'No. No. I don't need to speak to Celia again.'

No, OK. Ta-ta, then.

Gillian. Gillian. This is...

My dad's in hospital, John.

We've got a lot on just now at this end.

Of course. Course you do.

Sorry. Sure. It's just...

'Boys all right?'

Er...boys are fine.

OK. Bye!

Bye. Bye! Bye-bye.

Dad! What's for tea? Nothing.

I don't know.

Hi, Judith. It's me. Are you doing anything this evening?