Orange Is the New Black

As a get-out-of-prison gift, Neri had my astrological chart done.

Either way, she thought it might give me some insight into myself.

I'm a Gemini. In Latin, Gemini means "twins."

So there's this inherent duality to me, right?

If you believe this shit.

Sorry.

Gemini is an air sign.

Our metal is quicksilver.

- Sorry. - This side is going down, dummy.

I know. I'm a big dummy.

A Gemini's lucky color is yellow.

One of the negative traits of people with my birthday

is that we're often stressed

and torn between personal freedom and ties of love that hold us back.

But on the positive side, I have the same birthday as Liam Neeson.

- Hi, guys. -

- I brought home pak boong. -

That's morning glory. I'm gonna be really fluent in Thai soon.

- At least Thai menu Thai. -

- I'm not completely sure it's vegan... -

because they do put fish sauce in everything,

but it's definitely vegetable-forward.

Do you want some now or should I put it in the fridge?

Come on, Goodall. Make a poo-poo. You can do it.

I'll put it in the fridge.

Piper, we've asked you to please

not bring home non-biodegradable takeout containers.

We are a zero-waste house. Almost.

And I heard you. Ta-da.

- Oh! - Oh! It's okay.

My birthday tarot card is the Chariot.

If the Chariot card is presented upright...

It's a signal to enjoy the fruits of your efforts.

"You've done it, kid. Time to celebrate."

Maybe we should try that running-warm-water-on-the-feet thing?

No, no, that's for pee-pee.

We're trying to get her to poop. She gave us poop face.

- I mean... - I'm gonna head to bed.

Wouldn't we be happy with either one?

Good luck with the infant potty...

- - Oh!

- Good night, P. - Situation.

It might be confusing.

I think we're supposed to get her to pick one, aren't we?

Maybe we should watch the YouTube again?

What were the key words?

Yeah, elimination communication.

Or the, um, the lady with the accent. The Nappyless Technique.

- -

Hi, I'm Sandy. This is episode 3 of Nappy-Free Life.

Today, we're going to talk about...

Hey, you guys, could you remember to pick up vegetable oil

for the car before Wednesday?

I'm very grateful and you are all very, very attractive.

- Uh, Wednesday? - Yes.

My probation officer finally gave me permission, remember?

I'm gonna visit my wife?

God, I love saying that.

Oh, no. Wednesday's no good.

Goodall has the doctor on Wednesday. We need the car.

Oh, that's right! Wellness visit.

Who's following the protocols of Western medicine? You are.

Oh, now make a pee-pee.

Wait, I thought we agreed on poop. Did we not just agree on poop?

Oh, my gosh. You're right. Poop. I'm sorry. I'm so tired.

But you said that I could use it.

How about taking an Uber? Is Uber still bad?

- I can't remember. - Still bad.

I can't take an Uber. I can't afford to pay you rent.

You think I can afford to take an Uber to Litchfield?

You know, uh, actually, I wanted to talk to you about the rent thing,

because, you know, we could be Airbnb-ing that room.

Who's vacationing in Jackson Heights?

Oh, you'd be surprised.

I mean, they can go for up to $62 a night around here.

I don't know why you won't just ask Dad to help you out.

Uh, because my calls go straight to voicemail?

I was really counting on the car.

Oh! Shit! We have shit!

Good job!

- Yay! -

Good job!

Oh, shit.

Love you, too, Stretch.

Rec time. Line up for rec time.

I got nothing for you, Murphy. Get out of my way.

Oh, but you do. And you don't even know it.

See, there's this hot dog-eating contest in Coney Island this weekend.

My brother is comin' through on Wednesday. Kyle, not Shawnie.

I'm not giving you my visitation time.

It's my brother.

It's my wife.

Your wife.

Not missin' that one.

I mean, my new bunkie might be an angry thug,

but she's quiet and she ain't half as gassy.

Maybe that marriage of yours is working out so well

'cause you don't got to share a room.

Why don't you steal a time slot from one of your lackeys?

Isn't that what I'm doin' here?

If I punched her in the face right now,

just sucker-punched her nose into her brain,

how much would that cost me?

Shit. I promised Piper I'd be good. I'm being good.

If you're not in line, you're not going to the yard.

Maybe you should take a poke at me, Vause.

Then you'd get a shot and, lo and behold, a spot would open up in visitation.

Or maybe you'll get a shot doin' somethin' else.

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

Might as well give in now. God friggin' loves me.

I want drugs.

How about I tell you a story instead?

You see, I got these great stories.

You'll be back. Humans are narrative junkies.

Hey. You all got drugs?

I want drugs.

Do you have any drugs?

Thank you, mamacita.

Hey, put your eyes back in your head.

Baby, I'm only scopin' out customers.

Relax. That's just a ding for the cash register.

You know you're Daddy's girl.

Hello, my friend. Today is your lucky day.

I have here the finest hooch in all of Max.

Made with all-natural ingredients. Transport your spirit with my spirit.

I can guarantee you, there's no hand sanitizer in my hooch.

I cannot say the same for my competitors.

I want drugs.

Alcohol is a depressant, it is a euphoriant,

it is a sedative, it is a drug.

I want drugs.

I got drugs for you. Follow me.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Well, ain't that some shit.

We all got scooped by the ghost.

Maybe we need to bust that ghost.

Comes a time you gotta make an example out of somebody.

Yeah. Kill that bitch.

Easy, tiger. Fear is what we're goin' for.

Fear's what gets everybody back in line.

They won't be able to cut a deal anyway.

I ain't seen her since she got caught.

Yeah, man. That's just real.

It's that 187 bitch.

Damn. What's she gonna do?

She make me sweat in all my folding places.

I know.

Hey, roomie. Good to see you make an appearance in the fresh air.

Please let there be a fight. Please let there be a fight.

I want drugs.

Good luck with that.

Damn it.

- Yeah. - That's not enough.

- Oh, my Gorgonzola. - Oy.

She actually came outside.

Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't... Don't do that. Don't.

What? Why? I know her.

No, you don't, all right? You don't know her.

Whoever you knew ain't there no more.

Uh, no, she is right there.

Okay. You're not really understanding me right now, okay?

I realize that that was once your friend, but now she's a convicted murderer.

She's... She's a lifer.

I'm sorry.

You know, she used to be really fun.

Like, she almost always wore a smiling face.

And her dancing shoes. Her singing pants.

- She had pants for singing? - No.

Just used to sing a lot and mostly wear pants.

- Yeah. - Doesn't do that anymore, sing.

- Still wears pants, though. - Hmm.

Just now is a murderer no-smiler.

Yeah, and so was the guard that she shot in the face.

So, maybe that's fair, right?

I guess.

I mean, prison's hard, my friend, you know?

It's like, while I'm the exception,

I feel that I've gotten better since being here.

Most people get worse.

Man.

Drugs? I want them.

Fuck off, junkie.

Okay, animals. Back to your cages.

I don't hear no huffin' and puffin'. Let's go, Red.

You know how much a personal trainer would cost you on the outside?

You're gettin' the spoils of the rich up in here.

Come on. Show me what you got.

I'm taking a nap.

Uh-uh. You've already napped. Too many excuses, old lady.

Haul your ass out of bed.

A body in motion stays in motion. A body in bed gets depressed.

Red?

What?

Do Russians do pork?

What do you mean?

Every Puerto Rican family has its own recipe for pernil, roast pork.

Mmm.

We love our pork.