New Girl

Ugh! Son of a bitch. Nothing.

I'm trying to get in touch with Sam...

You know, to clear the air...

Get out

of my life.

Why isn't he responding?

I'm just gonna go out on a crazy limb here...

Maybe it's because you got his girlfriend to dump him?

I'm not being weird about it.

I just texted him three times.

And I called him.

He wasn't there.

I left him a sensible voice mail.

To lighten the mood,

I told a little story

about how the first-graders' pet rabbit

got stuck in the lawn mower

and I had to...

I had to collect it.

That's a terrible story.

Colonel FlapEars?

Wow. Unbelievable.

I had to park two blocks away,

like an animal.

The new bar, Presh, is doing valet

and they took all of our spots.

I've been saying for months that we need valet.

Is there anything sexier than tossing your keys

in the general direction of someone you care nothing about?

"Keep it running."

Hi. I'm looking for Jessica Day.

Oh, right here. You've just been served.

What?! What?

A restraining order?!

From Sam.

Oof...

I'm not a restraining order person.

A restraining order. That's worse than herpes.

When I find Sam...

I'm gonna kill him.

You can't find Sam.

'Cause you have a restraining order.

Winston. You have to help me with this.

Sam is the only one who can drop this charge.

But the magic

of a restraining order

is that you can't talk to him.

And that...

that is human drama.

Wow.

Tasteful, hip...

I mean, nothing matches, yet nothing is random.

That's just a framed toupee on the wall

and it friggin' works.

What are these bartenders wearing?

They look like Civil War surgeons.

This is a very professional establishment.

Let me do the talking.

You don't think I talk professional good?

You don't think I professional talk good?

What am I saying weird there?

You speak poorly, professionally. Okay.

Hey, hey. I'm Connie, the owner.

You're the nutmeg wholesaler?

Me? No, I'm not the nutmeg wholesaler.

You have a nutmeg wholesaler vibe.

That's what it is.

I've been trying to figure it out for years.

You totally look like a nutmeg wholesaler.

- Me no nutmeg... - How can I help you?

Connie, hello.

Very nice to meet you.

We are both local entrepreneurs,

as you are.

Uh, we co-own the bar up the street,

and there is a business situation that we would like

to bring to your attention... Yeah, your stupid valet

is taking all the spots in front of our bar,

and it's time for it to come to an end.

It's not sittin' well

with us folks over at the Griffin.

What's a griffin?

What is...

wait, what is the Griffin?

The Griffin is the name of the bar

that we own together, you buffoon.

You don't know the name of our bar? Why don't we...

We don't have a sign. We should have a sign.

Is this the time for this?

I feel like this is a conversation

I don't need to be a part of.

My valet

is totally legal.

But thanks for stopping by.

Maybe, you know, maybe I'll stop by your bar.

I'll just, like, knock on doors until...

until I find you.

Uh, please don't leave. Pl...

Okay, leave. We'll d-discuss this...

I don't like this woman.

Hey, uh, where should I put this,

uh, nutmeg?

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

The lady's name is Connie.

She's o-over that way.

I'm here to overturn a restraining order.

I brought lots of excellent character references.

In the words of Ms. Cheryl Riggins of Portland, Oregon:

"When the school sewage line broke,

"Jessica was the only student who rolled up her sleeves,

"grabbed a pail and went to work.

"She should be tested for hepatitis immediately.

Immediately."

That's not the one...

Uh, sorry about that, Riggs.

Uh, Jessica, you better be here

because you wrote a song you wanted me to listen to.

I just don't get why Sam would do this.

I'm not dangerous. Hey.

Friend face. That was cute.

Cop face. Girl, sit yo' ass down.

And use the word

"allegedly" when discussing Sam.

I do not need Internal Affairs crawling all up in my holes.

What if I typed up a note and left it on his car?

Oh, you stop it, Jess.

Yeah, but I...

Let it lie.

Okay.

No letters.

This would've been a better plan

if I knew what he drives.

A lot of black cars.

Cars should have people's names on them.

Ugh, it's so stupid.

Well, have a good one.

See you later. See you tomorrow.

No. No.

Sam drives a truck?

Oh, geez, oh, geez, oh, geez, oh, geez.

Well, this is not my fault.

Hey, Jess, I'm at work. Is this a cop

situation or a friend situation?

Both. What would you say

if I told you I was in the bed of Sam's pickup?

Allegedly.

I said "allegedly."

Okay, good. So you're not in the back of a truck.

No, I am.

I'm-I'm, I am "allegedly"

in-in Sam's truck.

Jess, you seem to be confused. Here's how it works.

Um, allegedly, Ferguson and I

are eating pasta in a hot air balloon. Realistically...

Winston, I'm in the back of Sam's truck right now.

I wanted Sam to know

that I'm not crazy.

Wait, shh, he's changing his music.

Selena Gomez, interesting.

Ugh.

Jess, what is happening right now?

Connie, with her fancy cocktails.

I can make a fancy cocktail.

Sure you can.

Hey, hey, hey, what's going on here?

What the hell is all this stuff?

We need to make some...

some real improvements around here,

if we're gonna compete with Presh.

Improvements?!

Just minor tweaks, okay?

Like a jukebox that doesn't catch fire sometimes.

Separate olive and cherry trays.

A toilet that flushes down and not up.

Okay, that's an attraction

and a lot of our customers actually like that.

Why are you so eager

to change our bar?

We should be ruining their bar.

We should cut their power.

We should paint a door where there isn't a door.

We're not talented enough to paint a realistic door, Nick.

All right, okay. Try this.

I call it "Whiskey Business,"

but surprise!

There's vodka in that.

Boom.

Thank you, honey.

Come on.

It's a little chunky.

Tastes like loose chili, a little bit.

Yeah, I'm gonna go get some fresher ingredients.

Okay, you do that, hon.

Can we please stop competing

with these fad bars?

I hate fads, man.

Nick, just a small little piece