Driver's Ed

Idiot.

What's so important on your phone, monsieur?

Oh, it's nothing. I'm, I'm sorry.

Um... Bibliothèque?

Please read us what is on Monsieur Jeremy's phone.

Um, do I have to?

Mhmmm

Okay, it's just a... it's a text message. It's boring. [Evie chuckles]

Go on...

: He's sext-texting.

It says, "I Googled lovesickness last night

and it's actually a thing. Did you know that?"

"It's on WebMD. I miss you so much. This is harder than I thought it would be."

"Parentheses, that's what she said."

"But seriously, when I started thinking about when we swam naked at the lake..."

"...and now I'm in French class with le boner."

"Haha, I love you. Let's FaceTime at lunch."

And the rest is just emojis.

Lots of hearts and eggplants!

Why didn't you just delete it on your way to my office?

Sorry, I didn't think of that. I...

This is like the first time I've been in trouble,

except for obviously the talent show last year.

Oh right, the talent show. Yeah.

How could I forget about the talent show? I got a lot of calls about that one.

Yeah. Well, you know, it's really difficult to make an emotionally truthful film

about gangsters that isn't R-rated.

Um, I thought people would appreciate the realism.

Do you?

Yeah.

That's what you think.

Do you have any kind of idea the bullshit that I'm up against?

Do you think about that? Or do you just think about yourself?

Cause I got problems, okay?

I got PSAT scores from last year that are in the toilet!

I got the janitors threatening to go on strike again!

I have ninth graders walking around with weed

gummies like they're Flintstone vitamins!

I am skating on thin ice here, okay? My job's on the line. It's stressful.

I don't have time to deal with your bullshit! I'm busy!

Busy, busy! I have calls to make! Things to do! One person, okay?

Yeah.

Look, you're obviously passionate. That's good. You're probably a good kid.

But you're killing me man. You cannot sext in the middle of class. Do you understand?

Principal Fisher, have you ever been in a long-distance relationship?

That's private. I'm not answering that.

Okay, well, um... off the record, can I swear?

No, you can't swear.

Well, I mean you just said bullshit.

I'm the principal. I can say whatever the fuck I want.

Okay. Um...

So Samantha, my girlfriend, just started at Chapel Hill.

And we decided that we were gonna stay together.

Which is fine because I'm gonna go meet her there in a year.

Oh.

The point is that I'm stuck here. And it effing sucks.

I just can't stop thinking about her. I don't know what to do.

Well, college is a big change.

Yeah. But, you know, you're always the same person.

Well, no, actually you're never the same person because change is constant.

It's just part of growing up.

Yeah. I mean that's one take.

No, that's the right way of looking at it.

Alright, listen. I'm gonna give you detention next week, Monday to Friday.

Here's your phone.

It was a victimless offense.

Get out of my office. I don't want to hear it. Out! Get out!

Um, are you guys getting service?

Yeah. - Mmhmm

Cool.

Hey, you know, I'm sorry I read that boner part out loud.

Oh no, I didn't have one.

What boner?

Uh, it was a text to my girlfriend. Um...

Of your boner?

No. No, man. There was no...

Wait, you got a new girlfriend already?

No, no. Me and Sam are still together.

She's in college. Is that even legal?

Yes.

Legal to fuck?

Why would it not be? I'm 18, she's 18.

We're both... everyone's 18.

Who the fuck is that guy?

Wait, is he coming here?

I hope not.

Hole in one. - All right.

I'm Mr. Rivers. You can call me Jesse.

Where's Mr. Cameron?

Oh, I don't know who that is.

I just go where they tell me.

Wait, you subbed World History last year, right?

Yeah, probably.

Yeah, you showed us Gladiator even though

we were supposed to be studying World War I.

Oh yeah! Great flick. You're welcome.

This is just a side gig by the way. I'm actually writing a novel.

What happened to your arms?

Oh, I fell down an escalator going up at the mall.

Whew! Do not recommend.

Why did they set them in that position?

I don't know. I was asleep. By the time I woke up, I was a little teapot.

Oh.

All right buddy, focus up. Hands 10 and 4.

Wait, isn't it 10 and 2?

10-2, 10-3, 10-10. It's just numbers. Do what feels good, you know.

Follow your heart. And the rules of the road.

Let's go. Okay.

Okay, now keep... okay, no, no, no.

Slow down. It's okay. Slow down.

Great. You're doing really well.

Now just press the start.

You don't have to hit the brake.

Use both feet. You're just using one foot.

Okay, no no no

All right, go left here.

Or go that direction.

You're crushing it man. You're a natural driver. Very good.

So, what are a bunch of seniors doing in driver's ed?

Um, well, I divorced my entire friend group this summer,

so I don't really have anyone to give me a ride.

Ah, their loss.

Well, if I'm gonna create a prototype of the solar car

I've been developing,

I'm gonna need to know how to drive it.

Solar car, go you!

I failed this class three semesters in a row.

This is your year amigo, I can feel it. Give me a bump.

Ow! Oh!

What about you, Slim?

Oh, um... my girlfriend, you know,

she used to drive me everywhere. -

She already has her license.

Used to. She cut you loose, huh?

Oh, no, no, no. She's at college. We're making it work.

Ah, yeah. Living on borrowed time, my man. I'm sorry.

It's gonna hurt, but you will grow from it, okay?

Oh my god, look at this asshole going 15 in a 30.

At that point just get out and walk! Honk the horn!

I thought we were only supposed to honk the

horn if it was like to warn of imminent danger?

Yeah, I'm in imminent danger of dying of old age in this car. Honk the horn!

There you go buddy, see? There's a lot of gray areas in driving.

Life too, you know. You can't drive scared.

Cowards die a thousand times. Brave men die one time.

That's a quote.

Actually it's "Cowards die many times before their

deaths; the valiant never taste of death but once."

It's Shakespeare.

Yeah, his shit is so tight.

You're not supposed to text and drive.

He's at a stop sign, it's fine.

Um, Evie, can you read this for me? Please?

Please? Thank you.

Um, it says "Can't FaceTime at lunch. Let's talk later."

Ooh.

That's it?

Yeah.

There's no like... no emojis or anything?

Nothing else? - No.

Whoa! - Fuck!

You just hit that car!

It's okay, you just grazed it.

That's called a Carolina kiss. Keep driving.

That's sick.

Don't look back. Never look back. Unless you're in reverse.

And even then use the mirror.

What?

Did you eat?

Um, yeah, yeah. I had some cereal.

Can I come in?

Yeah.

School called today.

What did they call about?

Honey, I know you miss her. But you can't let it ruin your life.

She's the best thing in my life. I mean shouldn't we be celebrating that?

Oh no. I don't think we should be celebrating a week of detention. You know?

Sorry.

No, it's fine. I get it.

What are you working on?

It's a script.

It's about a female undercover narcotics agent at a high

school who uh, you know, may or may not be a cannibal

and she finds out that the principal is in

bed with the cartels selling to the students.

I'm gonna, you know, I'm writing it for Sam. She's gonna be in it.