Samuel the Boy Prophet

Roxie: Ah, nuh-uh.

Kev, you can't strain your eyes. Your brain might explode.

Guys, it's really nice of you to be taking such good care of me, okay,

- but I need to check my emails. I... -Don't.

I'm expecting one from the Italian company I'm supposed to interview with.

- I'll check. - Okay.

Roxie: Okay, let's see. You have a news alert,

- a book signing invite... - Oh.

And four emails from Mom. Kev, you have got to set your filters better.

- Oh, Gourmet Couture? - That's them.

They want to interview you here in LA this week.

I don't know if I can pull it together this week, I mean...

maybe that's a sign I shouldn't do it. I don't know.

Kevin, don't worry about it right now.

Yeah, you know what? You just worry about getting better.

- Yeah. - Okay.

Ugh, I can't take it. He's so needy.

Well, to be fair, he did get knocked unconscious by a 50-pound sign.

But, I mean, I got kicked in the head once by a wild pig.

I didn't even feel it.

The EMT said it's because my body went into shock.

You gotta be a real man to completely shut down like that.

God. You know, the worst part is,

I don't even have time to prepare for this audition, and I really want the part.

It's a TV movie remake of Casablanca.

You know, that old black and white movie.

Oh yeah, by that Woody Allen guy?

Yeah, probably. Anyway, it's gonna be awesome.

So, in the original, the lead is just this random dude in a hat,

but in this one, it's a hot woman lifeguard.

Totally feminist.

Oh, you gotta get that part in a swimsuit.

Like... Like, you know, for the women of the world.

Yeah, I know. I'm trying, but when am I gonna find time to rehearse?

I mean, I spend my days brushing Kevin's teeth,

and then sticking straws in his apple sauce.

Look, we gotta do this, okay? It's our duty.

Kevin: Hey, guys! I'm thirsty.

Here's your breakfast, bud. Okay? And here's your anti-convulsant.

Do you want me to crush it up and put it in your food?

No, I can still chew.

No, he doesn't need the meds yet, anyway.

Yes, he does. It's been two hours.

He's supposed to take it every four hours. Read the bottle.

I did.

Okay, I'm sorry, I thought you were on electronics, and I was on the meds.

No, no. I'm on meds. When have I not been on meds?

Kevin: Very rarely.

Guys, please stop arguing, okay? You can both give me meds.

I thi... I think we both did, Kev.

- (snoring) - Brian: Yeah, okay.

Forget duty. If he survives this, we definitely need to get some help.

- Kevin? - Kev?

- Kev. Kevion. Kev-Kev. - Kev. Kev?

So, I looked into it,

and Kevin's insurance covers a nurse's aide.

- Really? - Yeah.

That's awesome, Brian.

So, you know, get on in there and practice for your audition.

I'll let you know when she gets here.

Aw, thank you. You're the best!

- Aw. - Okay.

Thank you.

Did you see my linen scarf? I'm late for work.

It's in the sleeve of my black moto jacket.

- Did you borrow it? - Yeah.

I didn't ask you 'cause I thought that would make things weird.

It must be nice to have a place to go,

a job where people look up to you,

even though you look down on them.

What are... What are you talking about?

Dev's in Miami at a DJ convention.

I'm feeling lonely.

I've already had four mimosas, one without orange juice.

Okay, you need to get out.

You know, Brock and I are going to trivia night

tonight at the bar. Do you want to come?

- With you guys? - Yeah.

No, I'd just feel like a third wheel.

Okay, if you change your mind...

Okay, fine. Stop harping. I'll go.

Okay.

It's insane to remake a classic like Casablanca.

Can you read me something else?

Something that'll help me prepare for my interview?

Oh, uh, you emailed back Gourmet Couture, right?

Yes, but it's the day after tomorrow,

so you won't be able to go, unless you relax.

Okay, ready? So the update is genius.

It takes place at a beach club.

Oh, really?

Yeah, and they replace the Nazis with the staff of a competing spa.

I don't want to ruin it.

At least no more than that.

"We'll always have Paris. That hotel in Vegas where we met."

Oh my God.

"I was 19. You were 20.

But a young 20."

The spa technicians are better in Paris.

I should be leaving for Italy.

But say the word, and I'll stay.

Don't go in the water. She's trouble.

No, you're wrong.

She's sweet and funny.

And have you seen the way she watches football

and actually knows what's going on just enough,

but not so much as to be annoying like,

"Hey, look at me. I'm a guy's girl."

I appreciate that.

I'm the one she should be with.

But she doesn't appreciate you back. When are you gonna see that?

Damn, I look hot in this.

Hello, I'm Beverly. The agency sent me.

Okay, how big is he? My last patient was a 600-pounder.

I spent all my time mopping up tears of regret

that I swear were pure bacon fat.

'Cause the fat.

Oh, she needs to get off the bed.

You can sleep with her all you want once you're up to snuff.

Brian: No, no, no. No, he's not sleeping with her.

She's not sleeping with anybody. She's available.

Well, she needs to dismount the bed, because it's dangerous,

and we need to pad the corners of these night stands. They're dangerous.

Now, I'm gonna be in the bathroom to see if I can find anything...

- Dangerous? - To read.

- I'll see you in ten. - Eh.

Does the agency have any other...

Calling while she's on the can, believe me.

Did someone call Jimmy Jammy, the funny duddy buddy? Hoo hoo hoo!

I am Ramone, the healer you are blessed with today.

- Oh, you're hired. - Wrong house.

Hey, whoa, uh...

Wh... What's going on?

Oh, we must keep the lighting dim to aid in Kevin's recovery.

You should totally have Ramone make you lunch.

It is incredible.

When I opened the refrigerator,

I noticed a selection of luncheon meats,

so I paired it with a loaf of soft wheat bread

and a grainy mustard, with a hint of spice.

That sounds like an awful fancy way to say

you made a ham sandwich.

Isn't he supposed to, like, change bed sheets and sterilize stuff?

Oh, he already did all that. Ramone is amazing,

and when he talks, it sounds like music.

No, it doesn't.

- Okay. -We're all signing this for Kevin.

Brain bruising is for the birds.

It's from a set of 400 cards,

one for every injury and disease you've ever heard of.

There's one for non-Addison's adrenal malfunction that's a crack-up,

if you know anyone.

I can't think of what to say.

This is Patti's fault. She made me second-guess myself last night.

Okay, next question.

Write down as many Tom Cruise movies as you can.

We're running out of time. Mission Impossible.

- A Few Good Men. - Magnolia.

- Minority Report. - Night and Day.

- Far and Away. -Where he rode on that horse to that land.

- Far and Away! - We have that one.

- Tropic Thunder! - Tropic Thunder!

- Brock! - I said that!

Four hours too late. You're killing us.

She does have a strong personality.

Yeah, she's bossy.

It's like a queen bee.

It's not a good thing.

She made me feel like a third wheel

in my own relationship. Who does that?

- Did you win? - Yes.

Two tickets to one of those escape room games,

which I'm taking for myself

because I paid the entrance fee.

Well, if you think it'll help,

I would go out with Patti while Dev's gone.

I mean, occupy her for a while.

Really? That would be great. Thank you.

Consider it done. I can't wait.

Unlike you, I like when Patti takes control.

I feel a deep letting go,

a freedom of responsibility.

I hope I don't accidentally thrill kill someone.

Don't you think you should save some of that for Kevin?

Oh, he already did Kevin. Ramone's amazing,

and he has single-handedly made Kevin feel so much better.

No, he's not. He's not that great.

Please excuse me while I make Kevin a ham and cheese sandwich.

Oh, uh, no. He doesn't like cheese on it.

Trust me. I've been making the kid's sandwiches for years.

Kevin said he'd like to try my sandwich

as I prepare it, con queso.

I don't know what you just said right there,

so I'm gonna take offense. That's it!

Roxie: Brian, wait. What are you doing?

Hey.

No, no, no. Ramone said that it has to be dark in here.

Look, Ramone doesn't know anything.

He's a phony, and that accent isn't real.

Nobody really talks like that,