The Conners

>>> OH, THE CONNERS IS LIVE IN FRONT OF A FULLY VACCINATED

STUDIO AUDIENCE.

>> WAIT, WHAT?

>> I THOUGHT D.J. WASN'T ALLOWED TO COOK SINCE THE GREAT GREASE

FIRE OF '07.

>> LEAVE HIM ALONE.

I'M JUST GLAD TO SEE TWO PEOPLE COOKING IN THIS KITCHEN AT THE

SAME TIME.

IT GIVES THE ILLUSION THAT ALL OF OUR APPLIANCES ACTUALLY WORK.

>> YOU KNOW, I THINK DOING THAT

ALL THE TIME FINALLY BROKE THE SEAL THAT KEEPS THE MICROWAVES

IN.

I WAS HEATING UP A CUP OF TEA AND IT COOKED THE CHICKEN THAT

WAS SITTING ON THE COUNTER.

>> YOU KNOW, YOU CAN STILL CHANGE YOUR MIND ABOUT MARRYING

INTO THIS GROUP OF MANIACS.

>> BECAUSE ONCE YOU'RE IN, YOU CAN'T GET OUT.

I KNOW.

I TRIED.

>> JUST STOP.

SHAW AIN'T ASCARED OF NONE OF YAS.

>> SHE'S ONLY SEEN US ON OUR BEST BEHAVIOR.

>> THIS IS YOUR BEST BEHAVIOR?

>> HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ONE OF US WASH OUR FEET IN THE KITCHEN

SINK?

>> HAVE YOU HEARD FROM BEN SINCE HE SAID HE WAS THINKING ABOUT

BREAKING UP WITH YOU?

>> NOPE.

>> I THINK YOU'RE PLAYING IT RIGHT.

THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO IS GIVE HIM THE SPACE HE CANNED

FOR.

>> NOTHING GOOD EVER CAME FROM A MAN THINKING TOO LONG.

>> I PUT DOWN A HEFTY DEPOSIT ON AN APARTMENT TO MOVE IN WITH

HIM.

>> THERE'S AN EMPOWERING MESSAGE TO YOUR KIDS, I'M GETTING MY

MANS BACK.

>> YOU'LL UNDERSTAND WHEN YOU'VE DESTROYED A RELATIONSHIP BY

BEING A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR LIKE YOUR MOTHER.

>> WHEN I LIE, I LIE STRATEGICALLY.

PATHOLOGICAL MAKES IT SOUND LIKE I CAN'T CONTROL IT.

>> YOU WERE STILL GOING TO HAWAII BEHIND BEN'S BACK.

>> STOP USING THAT BEHIND ME.

>> IT'S ALWAYS HARD WHEN YOUR MENOPAUSAL KID MOVES OUT FOR THE

FOURTH OR FIFTH TIME.

>> MARK IS UP AND THERE'S NO PRODUCT IN HIS HAIR.

SOMETHING IS WRONG.

>> I WAS UP ALL NIGHT WORKING ON A SCHOOL PROJECT.

>> THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR TRYING TO PULL YOURSELF OUT OF

GENERATIONAL POVERTY.

>> WE'RE ROOTING FOR YOU, BUT WE'LL SAVE YOU A SPOT.

>> MY PROJECT IS KIND OF ABOUT THAT.

SOME SCIENTISTS SAY THAT CHOICE WE THINK WE'RE MAKING OF OUR OWN

FREE WILL ARE DETERMINED BY OUR GENES.

SO I'M GOING TO CALL OUR RELATIVES AROUND THE COUNTRY TO

SEE IF THEY ARE LIKE US.

>> WOULDN'T BE FASTER TO JUST START LOOKING FOR A CURE?

>> I KNOW I WOULD BE INTERESTED IN SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO ASK THEM?

>> I'M GOING TO SEE IF THEY SHARE OUR FAMILY TRAITS,

DISTRUST OF AUTHORITY, LOW PAYING JOBS, ALCOHOLISM.

>> I HAVE ANTICIPATED THIS.

I HAVE CAREFULLY CURE RATED THE NUMBERS OF OUR FAMILY IN THIS

DRAWER.

>> DEAD, DEAD.

HE TURNED UP IN PAKISTAN.

COUSIN KENNY, YOU'LL PROBABLY BE RECORDED BY THE FED IT IS YOU

CALL THIS.

>> LET'S TRY ONE RIGHT NOW.

HEY, THIS IS MARK CONNER FROM THE LANFORD CONNERS.

IS THIS ADRIAN CONNER?

>> YES, IT IS.

HOW ARE YOU?

>> HEY, WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

>> I'M FROM TAMPA, FLORIDA.

>> NICE.

WELL, COOL, I'M HERE WITH MY FAMILY RIGHT NOW.

>> HI!

>> AND I'M DOING A SURVEY ABOUT THE CONNERS FOR COOL.

I WOULD LIKE TO ASK YOU A QUESTION.

I HAVE A RELATIVE WHO DRINKS BEER ALL DAY AND HIDES IN THE

GARAGE.

DOES YOUR FAMILY EVER GET ON YOU ABOUT ANY OF YOUR HABITS?

>> UMM, NOT THAT PROBLEM.

BAD HABITS, OH, YEAH.

I DO HAVE ONE BAD HABIT OF CHEWING MY FINGERNAILS AND I GET

PICKED ON FOR THAT.

BUT I WATCH A LOT OF SCARY MOVIES, SO THAT'S MY XUS.

>> THAT'S FAIR.

THANKS FOR BEING A CONNER.

BYE.

>> HEY, WHAT'S THIS?

>>> THERE YOU GO, THANKS, ROBIN.

>> THANKS, DAN.

>> HEY, I WAS JUST OVER AT MADAME SWEET CAKES AND TOOK A

PICTURE OF THE MOST PERFECT WEDDING CAKE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

>> IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

BUT $400 IS A LOT UNLESS WE'RE GOING TO LIVE IN IT.

>> COME ON, IT'S CHEAPER THAN

THE OTHER ONE I SHOWED YOU.

>> I KEEP TELLING YOU, IT'S NOT WORTH IT.

ONCE MY FAMILY DIGS INTO THAT THING, IT'S GOING TO LOOK LIKE A

FROSTED SEAL AFTER A SHARK FRENZY.

>> HEY, YOU GUYS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS CAKE?

>> WOW, $400.

WHAT IS IT MADE OUT OF UNDERSTAND ELON MUS INCOME

MUSK?

>> ALL RIGHT, I GUESS I'M OUTNUMBERED.

SEE YOU LATER.

>> WE'RE JUST PUTTING UP SOME BIG SCREENS FOR THE LUNCHBOX'S

REOPENING AT A SPORTS BAR, AND WE NEED MOUNTS.

>> AND JACKIE NEEDED A FEW THINGS FOR CROWD CONTROL.

I'M FILLING IN FOR AUNT BK.

>> WE'RE GOING TO OPEN WITH A BEER SPECIAL.

BRING YOUR OWN BEARS HELMET.

I'M GOING TO NEED AN AX HELMET AND A TASER.

>> AISLE THREE.

>> HEY, IS BEN AROUND?

>> HE'S STILL LIVING HIS BEST LIFE IN THE LITTLE CAMPING

SECTION IN BACK.

GOOD LUCK, HONEY.

>> THANK YOU.

I'M GOING TO TAKE A BAG OF THESE PORK RINDS.

>> BETTER RUN, IT'S A LOT FURTHER THAN YOU THINK.

>> DARLENE, IT'S THE SET OPPOSITE.

>> HEY.

>> HELLO.

HEY.

>> I BROUGHT YOU SOME PORK RINLDS.

>> OH, THANK YOU.

I'VE HAD MY EYE ON THESE SINCE I PUT THEM ON THE RACK.

>> UH, I ALSO BROUGHT YOU THIS.

>> WHOA.

$1200 DOWN ON AN APARTMENT?

>> NO, I PUT $1200 DOWN ON US.

I AM DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT US LIVING TOGETHER, AND I WANT TO

SHOW YOU THAT I'M FINALLY PUTTING YOU BEFORE EVERYTHING

ELSE.

>> OKAY.

WELL, THIS IS BIG.

I BELIEVE YOU'RE SERIOUS.

>> AND?

>> WELL, I WASN'T EXPECTING THIS.

I MIGHT NEED A MINUTE.

>> OH, YEAH, YEAH.

I WANT YOU TO BE SURE, BECAUSE I KNOW I AM.

SO ABSOLUTELY, TAKE A MINUTE.

OH, YOU DIDN'T MEAN THAT LITERALLY.

OKAY.

>> HI, IS THIS LISA CONNER?

>> YES, IT IS.

>> HI.

THIS IS MARK CONNER FROM THE LANFORD CONNERS.

MY SISTER IS GOING TO ASK YOU A QUESTION, BUT FIRST, MY FAMILY'S

BROKE AND RIDDLED WITH HEARTBREAK.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK IS MORE IMPORTANT, MONEY OR LOVE AND

WHY?

>> MONEY.

BECAUSE YOU CAN ALWAYS BUY LOVE.

>> YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

FAIR ENOUGH.

>> SO HERE'S MY QUESTION.

I'M A TATTOO ARTIST.

IF I COULD GIVE YOU ANY TATTOO, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

>> UMM, PROBABLY A FLOWER.

JUST SOMETHING GENERIC AND PRETTY.

>> OKAY.

>> SOMETHING I COULD LIVE WITH MY WHOLE LIFE.

>> OKAY, COOL.

WELL, THANKS FOR BEING A CONNER.

BYE.

>> EXCUSE ME.

CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE DARLENE CONNER'S OFFICE IS.

>> MY I ASK WHO IS CALLING?

>> JUST TELL HER BEN, THANKS.

>> OH, WOW, YOU'RE BEN.

OKAY.

YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE AN UPTIGHT BUZZKILL AT ALL.

YOU LOOK MORE LIKE A HIPSTER WEREWOLF SORT OF GUY.

>> THANKS FOR YOUR OPINION, GUY, I DIDN'T ASK.

AND YOU ARE?

>> JEFF.

JEFF.

DARLENE IS MY BOSS.

I DEPARTMENT MEAN ANYTHING BY THAT.

I AM JUST SAYING YOU LOOK LIKE A GUY THAT WOULD WANT TO GO TO

HAWAII.

>> DARLENE TOLD YOU ABOUT HAWAII?

>> SURE, YEAH, YEAH.

WE ALL SHARE STORIES AT LUNCH.

YOU KNOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU WOULD ASK YOUR LADY TO USE

HER VACATION MONEY TO PAY BILLS WHEN SHE CLEARLY NEEDS SOME

EMOTIONAL DOWNTIME.

IT'S A DOUCHE MOVE, DUDE.

>> OKAY, I THINK I'VE HEARD ENOUGH ABOUT HAWAII.

JUST POINT ME TO DARLENE UNLESS YOU WANT TO END UP STUFFED INTO

ONE OF THOSE BOXES.

>> GUYS, STOP.

BEN, IT'S NOT HIS FAULT.