Lewis Black: Old Yeller - Live at the Borgata

Announcer: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

please put your hands together

for the one and only Mr. Lewis bl‐a‐a‐ack!

I sure would like to see the show

you fuckers think you're gonna see.

'Cause that's really gonna be a great show,

and call me when it's on the air,

'cause I want to catch it.

We are here in the music box theater,

the borgata for those of you at home,

and my parents, just so you know,

are here this evening with me.

Because besides the tension of doing a show live,

I thought I'd bring my parents with me.

Behind me is‐‐ the set that you see

is a painting that my father did and‐‐

My father worked for the government

for a number of years, retired at the age of 55,

and then at the age of 60, began to paint,

and he painted until he was 83, at which time,

he quit painting.

And I said, "why'd you stop?"

And he said one of the greatest things I've ever heard

anyone who's done art say.

"I've run out of ideas"

and my mother is here tonight.

Were lucky she's here because‐‐

when she finally understood just in the past few days

what pay‐per‐view meant, she said,

"you mean for 20 bucks, I could've just stayed home?"

So...

You know...

For the longest time,

I had this‐‐

I had this revelation this year

because for the longest time, I have really thought

that the‐‐the great disappointment in my life

was the fact that I don't have a family of my own.

I am heterosexual, single.

I have no children.

I thought, wow, i‐‐

I'm a failure.

And then just this year, I realized

that isn't what I fucking thought.

That's what was married people thought about me.

Because you married people are pricks.

You bring a judgment when you sit down with single‐‐

every time I am stopped by someone,

they inevitably ask‐‐

a married couple will be standing here,

"so, are you married? Do you have children?"

And I go, "no," and then they just look sad.

"Oh...

Why do you exist?"

And then it's that other look I get from time to time

from married people, like that snide little look

like, "oh...

We know what you do, Mr. Black.

You're early in the morning and you run in the woods

and rub your cock on trees."

Which is certainly something I've thought about but...

I don't know what poison sumac looks like.

So I arrived home this past new year's,

and I walked into my apartment alone

and stood there for a moment and went,

"son of a bitch!

Being single‐‐(Scoffs) Is why I'm happy!

Oh, wait, what's that sound?! Silence!"

So what I've realized now is the great disappointment

in my life, actually, is this century.

The 21st century.

This century, whether you've noticed or not,

blows chunks.

This is not the century I was told

it was good to be when I was a kid.

Everyone, "oh, this 20th century's awful, but wait!

The 21st century, it's gonna be magnificent!"

When it arrives!

This is the 20th century, I don't know if you've noticed,

all over again,

only this time, it's in high‐definition.

One of the things that they said is that space travel

would be like science fiction now,

and it's‐‐ it's‐‐it's fiction.

We don't have a space program anymore.

I can't fucking believe it.

One of the few things I liked. Not so much exploration,

but, you know, shooting shit into the air.

The north Koreans have a space program!

I don't know what they're shooting up there.

I think, like, washers and dryers and old tvs,

but they're trying!

You younger members of the audience,

you're lucky.

You still have a future to look forward to.

This is my fucking future!

I'm standing in the tunnel,

and the light is coming right at me.

One of the reasons this‐‐ this century

hasn't worked out the way it should,

part of the fault for that

we are the ones who help shape this pile of shit.

And I love my generation dearly,

don't get me wrong.

My generation is the generation that was gonna change the world,

and we certainly have done that.

We've managed in our short time here on the planet

to just fuck about everything up.

And the thing is is that the reason

it hasn't worked out the way we thought

is because when we said we were going to change the world,

we were all very young.

We were like 16 to 21.

When you're that young, you really don't know

what you're going to be great at,

and it turns out that what my generation is great at

is completely antithetical to getting shit done.

Because what we're great at,

greater than any generation before and,

I guarantee, greater than any generation after,

no generation, and I mean no generation,

hangs out better than we do.

We are the greatest generation

to ever just want to sit on a couch.

And if you provided us. With the proper seating

and proper plumbing and brought us whatever nutrition

and drinks, drugs, whatever it takes

to sustain life in our body, we would sit there

until the day we fucking died and talk to you

about any god damn thing you wanted.

We don't have to know it. "Nuclear physics?

Son of a bitch, I thought you'd never ask."

And then we'll go on to do what we were born to do,

which is bullshit.

We're magnificent at it.

You kids out there, you're interested in facts.

That'll serve you in good stead.

We never had an interest in facts,

which is why things have turned out the way they are.

But we were more creative.

What we know about nuclear physics?

We know probably neutron, proton, molecule, atom.

Four words, and we'll sit there and go on for hours, hours,

just weaving tales of nonsense, and we don't have

a fuck‐all idea of what we're talking about,

but we don't care.

We just enjoyed listening

to the sound of our own god damn voices.

And then one of you kids will go,

"I don't think that's right.

I'm gonna Google it."

And as soon as you do that,

you're not hanging out any more, fucker.

You're doing research.

But what's amazing is a lot of the times,

the things you'll look up see if you're right about

is actually the shit we fuckin' made up

now...

Apparently, you see,

my parents' generation passed on to my generation

social security, and...

It seems...

That we...

Were supposed to pass that on.

And, um...

I wish somebody had told us.

There were no memos, nothing.

You know, the big argument will be going on and on

and on about how to make social security work.

And the democrats and the Republicans will tell you

whatever they want to about it,

and you can believe whatever you want,

but the fact of the matter is this‐‐

reason social security doesn't work is‐‐

is very simple.

It's because it's math.

And it's really hard math.

It's the kind of math that's so hard,

it makes me squeeze my pee‐pee, that's how hard it is.

It is a lot of long division, and most of you in the room

don't even remember what fucking long division is!

That's when you take a number

and put it under a hut.

And that...

Let's say for the purposes of argument

that number is all the money in the social security system.

That's a really long fucking number.

That number goes on forever.

And then let's say we divide it

by another big fucking number‐‐

all the people who are in the social security system.

Now you look at this number. Now you look at that number.

And you go, "whoo...

It's time for a nap.

Then you have two guess‐‐ you have to guess‐‐

which number you divide into this number

that when multiplied by that fucking number‐‐

pay attention!

Will be less than and not more than

the super‐fuck number!