Rick and Morty

Wait, what’s that? Do I hear something coming down the chimney?

Rick Santa-chez here with gifts from across the multiverse!

-Yes. -Oh my god.

For Jerry, an extradimensional version of Miracle on 34th Street.

Two hours longer! They fixed my only problem with it!

For Beth, a framed photo of the two of us

from a universe where she wasn’t murdered as a child.

-Oh my God. Dad. -And for Space Beth,

he same thing because we, we don’t know which of you is real.

I am also touched.

Summer, ch-check your Venmo.

-Money? How did you know? -You’re seventeen.

And last but not least, for my number one number two.

Morty you asked for this a long, long time ago and I finally went

far, far away enough to get it since shipping would have killed me.

You didn’t! No fucking way.

-No fucking way. -No fucking way.

-Does it make the noises? -Of course it makes the noises.

-that’s like half the fun. -Awesome!

Do not turn that on!

Don’t worry. Morty’s only going to use this very honorable weapon

in designated Jedi zones like the garage right now.

Holy crap. I hate to say it but I wish there was something to attack.

Yeah it’s too bad nobody bought a cart a fruit!

You beautiful son of a bitch!

Grapefruit! Mango! Papaya! Watermelon! A second papaya! Another watermelon!

-Strike me down. -What?

-Strike me down. -I’m not striking you down.

Strike me down Morty! I’ll, I’ll become a pile of clothes like that old guy!

But you'll die, you’re drunk.

-Here, I’ll, I’ll do it myself. -No!

Wow, you did it! Just like Obi Wan. Rick? You can come out now.

I’m serious. Did you like, become your clothes? Are you T-shirt Rick now?

Over here, buttfart.

-That was awesome! -Right?

Rick, you know you’ve been so great the last couple months,

the family’s so happy, I’m really grateful.

Thanks kid, but less talk more melon slaying! Heads up!

-Oh shit shit shit. Open it, Rick! -Let me do it! Get up, get fucking move!

Hurry! Hurry!

You dropped it perfectly vertical, Morty! Perfectly fucking vertical!

-I got it, I got it -Ah, shi...

-Shit. -Elevator! Elevator!

-We gotta get ahead of it! Level ten? -No no no, fifteen!

Wait, we live over a cool sushi spot?

-Irasshaimase! -Domo. Domo. Not now though.

Okay, we overshot it. Good problem to have.

Still doing the eel roll?

-I told you we shoulda gone to ten! -No, Morty, not ten!

Morty, wait, wait, wait!

What the fuck?

-Rick? -You dumb fucking robot. You had one job!

Hey, that job is to be a good Grandpa,

-I go where the kid goes. -Don’t touch me!

How long have I... You said you weren’t a robot!

It killed me to lie to you, Morty!

But it would have literally killed me not to lie to you.

Betrayal! Betrayal on all sides!

Don’t overreact, Morty. I replaced myself towards the beginning of that

whole Knights of the Sun thing.

I’m no good to anybody until I resolve this arch nemesis crap.

You’re still hunting the guy who killed your wife?

You don’t have to rub it in, Morty, that’s why I removed myself.

I’ve become the thing I hate. It’s like a Netflix drama down here,

and I don’t mean an accidentally good one, I mean a regular-ass Netflix drama.

I did you a favor.

You gave him a fuckin’ lightsaber for Christmas?

It’s almost like someone designed me to be twenty-two percent

-more thoughtful than you. -Alright, that’s it,

-I’m shutting you down -Don’t you dare.

You’ve done enough. The whole family, Rick.

-Everybody loves this thing. -Oh, good.

By the way, your lightsaber’s probably run out of sub-basement by now, so, congrats.

Unbelievable.

I can’t believe you tricked us

-into loving you! -Not because I like it,

because it’s my job! But thank god I don’t have to do it anymore.

The fuck you don’t. It’s Christmas!

Get up there and trick everyone into loving you more!

Let’s get our miracle on.

-Speaking of miracles. -What, bored of your toy already?

Just excited to spend time with my family.

You know me and Morty, we’re all about those streets.

Would ya look at this! New York City!

Who woulda thought it had so many streets?

And avenues too. Oh Gosh! Hey, sir! Sir, have you seen any miracles?

My little girl, she’s sick and she needs a miracle.

The Presidential blackhawk is landing on the lawn.

I’ll get rid of him.

-You got something to tell me, Morty? -Merry Christmas?

Who dropped a lightsaber perfectly fucking vertical?

Guess what, numb nuts, it’s a mile deep and still going.

You know what’s in the hilt of that thing?

-Kyber Crystals. -Okay, nerd.

Whatever it is, when it hits the core,

it’s gonna cause a chain reaction that destroys the Earth.

-It is? -Why are you still playing wth

laser swords anyway? You’re fourteen.

You know all that Star Wars shit is silly, right?

Lucas promised a new trilogy for decades, then when he delivered fans turned on him

and started giving any knucklehead with nerd cred a shot

and churned out these irredeemable cash grabs. Half pretend to be satisfied,

half shit on it and in the end no one’s happy.

Do you know why, Morty?

Because when you start with a turd, you end with a turd.

Why you crying? Where’s Rick?

He’s busy, and I hate him, and I lost my lightsaber and now it might destroy Earth

and you’re unloading all this Gen X hatred on me for even wanting one

-and it’s the worst Christmas ever! -Okay, Morty, Morty.

I shouldn’t have talked to you like you’re a UN official.

Let’s get your embarrassing ass lightsaber back so you can swing it around

instead of kissing girls.

You found me! Found me! Found me!

-Security breach. -What the hell?

-Unauthorized presence. -What the fuck Morty?

This morning, a real life version of George Lucas’s trademarked lightsaber

was dropped point down and is whomp whomping its way to the core of the Earth

where it will blow us all up.

Touch my shit and die. That’s not a threat from me, that’s how advanced my shit is.

Impressive lair, Sanchez. Got about six hundred thousand permits?

If I wanted the government in my house I’d buy an Alexa!

-I invited him in, Rick. -Yeah, well, they can leave.

-I’ll destroy it. -We’re gonna retrieve it.

-Well that’s stupid. -What kind of grandfather are you?

It’s Christmas for God’s sake,

and you look like Phil Spector wiped his ass with Randy Quaid.

If you’re gonna help, help, otherwise step aside.

Merry Christmas to me.

-Merry Christmas to me! -To me!

Anyhoo, I’m no expert but it seems we’ve gotta...

a certain amount of time to build a big drill ship.

A big drill ship?

That’s some pretty loud stepping aside you’re doing.

-Just let me destroy the thing! -You’ve destroyed enough!

Oh, I see someone found my Told-ya so Dispenser.

Oh my god, look at all these streets! We got 34th street! 35th street!

36th street coming too! It’s a miracle! We got miracles on 37th street!

38th, and don’t even get me started on the Avenues!

I can’t believe they cut this!

Dad. You’ve been so great lately.

I’m almost afraid it’s not real. You’re not a robot, are you?

Put it this way, honey. If I am, I’m a robot

programmed to love you very, very much.

Will this drill down fast enough to get under the lightsaber?

Yep. It will be under the lightsaber in one hour, because the...

Wait, it’s lower now. Oh, right, it’s moving.

You fucking idiot. Get out of here!

Good luck finding a good scientist on Christmas!

I’m President of the United Assholes.

All right, genius, I give you permission

-to make our drill ship faster. -I’m not touching that thing.

I’ll get neurotypical cooties, I have son-in-laws more imaginative

-Alright, just destroy the lightsaber! -Thought you’d never ask.

Not true, I knew you’d ask.

-What is that? -A second lightsaber

with an AI controlled gyroscopic rocket in the hilt.

-You had a lightsaber? -Oh did you want one?

What a terrible gift that would have made.

-Vertisaber, state your prime directive. -To stay vertical.

-Then show ‘em how it’s done. -Affirmative.

-Yeah! -America!

-Maintain verticality, Vertisaber. -Affirmative.

Alright, looking good. Stay on target.

Progress report.

-Vertisaber, do you copy? -Do I have to respond every time?

-Excuse me? -I’m designed to stay perfectly vertical,

not to give constant affirmation, you do your job I’ll do mine.

-I control you! -Okay,

I’ll just turn off my brain and you can do that, bye!

Fucking kidding me? Shit!

Trajectory’s drifting, sir.

-Where is it coming out? -Looks like Italy, sir.

Okay, that coulda been worse.

Well, that is definitely not Amore.

-Way to show us how it’s done, Rick. -Whatever.

-Italian Prime Minister on line one. -Put him on hold.

We can pin this on the Saudis. This is something they’d do.

They may as well have done it.

They did do it.

Oh, there’s another miracle at the end of the intersection

of four hundred and first boulevard and seven thousand street!

-That’s a miracle per block so far. -Okay even I’m nearing my limit.

Let’s play a Christmas game!

Have you guys ever played “Are You a Robot?”

Each person here has to decide whether or not t-they’re a robot.

-Ooh I like that. -Yes, yes, yes.

But don’t say it out loud. Because if you’re a robot,

you’re not allowed to say you are, that’s the rule.

That’s the horrible, painful thing about being a robot.

But you do have to answer everyone’s questions.